Friday, April 29, 2011

Words of Parenting Wisdom from a Well Known Authors

Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you. ~Robert Fulghum

If I had my child to raise all over again,
I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging and less tugging.
~Diane Loomans, from "If I Had My Child To Raise Over Again"

The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed. ~Author Unknown


The trouble with having a stubbornness contest with your kids is that they have your stubbornness gene. ~Robert Brault

If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says "keep away from children." ~Susan Savannah

In bringing up children, spend on them half as much money and twice as much time. ~Author Unknown

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Reason to Rethink How and When We Have theSex Talk with Our Children

Statistics suggest that our children are developing both physically and intellectually sooner than ever before. At the same time, they are developing emotionally at slower a rate. This delayed emotional development may be due to a reduction of interaction with adults, the instability of the family unit and/or technology taking the place of the art of communication. Whatever the reason for this discrepancy in the various areas of develpment, it does pose a growing problem for parents. Our children may be physically capable and intellectually understand about the mechanics of sex, but they are not at all prepared for the emotional rollercoaster that comes along with having sex.

The schools focus their sex education on the biological aspects of sex and assume that the parents will educate their children on the values and beliefs about sexual activity. It is up to you to provide them with an understanding of the emotional side of sex. The guilt, the fear, the curiosity, the excitement and the rebellion all associated with having sex. By clueing them into these things, they may delay having sex until the time they feel emotionally ready to have this experience. Remember that a sexual experienced that you are physically, mentally and emotionally prepared for is going to be a much btter experience.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Children are Sexual Beings

Here are some scary but truthful words to think about as parents. Children are sexual beings. Even before young babies can talk, they begin exploring their bodies. This is perfectly normal behavior. Young children engage in "playing doctor" or "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours" games at a very young age. The most important thing to do when you think that your child is engaging in this type of play is to NOT FREAK OUT. Sit down with your child and have a talk about the differences between boys and girls. They are curious about these differences, so better that you guide their understanding then someone else.

Teaching Your Children the Actual Terms for Their Private Parts

It is much cuter for a young child to use terms like peepee or weiner than it is for them to use terms like vagina and penis, however teaching your children these terms may protect them from falling victim to a predator. I am not suggesting that they use these terms all the time, just that they are aware of them. Be aware that these words may come out of your child at some inopportune moments like in front of their grandparents or loudly at a fancy restuarant. Believe me when I say "been there, done that". I think that increasing your child's safety is well worth a little embarrassment.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

What to Do If You Catch Your Child in the Act of.....Masturbating

If you suspect that your child is masturbating, fight the urge to freak out. Remember how it made you feel when your parents caught you. They may have tried to scare you by telling you that if you kept doing it you would go blind or your hand would fall off. This may have left you feeling ashamed and feeling abnormal. Attempt to reassure them that it is normal and that they do not need to be ashamed. Masturbation only becomes a problem if it starts interfering with other aspects of your child’s life.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Some Thoughts about What to Include When You have the "Talk" with Your Children

When is the right time to have the major talk with your children about sex? Having been a child who found out about my period when I got it, I would like to encourage you to talk to your children when they begin to show any signs of puberty. In today's society that can be as early as 8 with all the growth hormones in our food. I can still remember how frightened I was when I started bleeding. I thought that I was dying. I had learned about sex from my friends, but what it was like getting your period was not part of that discussion. A big thank you to my friends who were with me at the time, they provided me with comfort, support and elevated all my fears about what was happening.

I believe that breaking this talk up into two or three parts may help you and your child feel more comfortable. Your children certainly will absorb more of the information if given in smaller chunks. One way to break up these talks is by starting with what they can expect will be happening to their body, then move on to what is happening to the bodies of the opposite sex a few months later, and end when they are 11 or 12 with a discussion about sexually transmitted diseases, birth control and your beliefs on being sexually active at a young age. I know that many parents believe that talking to your children about birth control constitutes giving permission to your children to be sexually active, but I think if you include a good dose what your beliefs are, this will not be the case. I think that by not including this part of the discussion, you run the risk of becoming grandparents much earlier than you wanted to.

For those of you who think that 11 or 12 is too soon to discuss these topics with your child, take a really good look around at your children's friends because according to ETR Associates 7% of teens reported having their first sexual experience before the age of 13. This message was brought home to me when my son came home from fifth grade one day and stated that one of his friends had had sex with a 12 year old girl.

Try to keep current on the signs that your child is sexually active. Who would have thought that children would wear different colored gummy bracelets to signify different sexual acts that they had participated in. When I was working in the elementary schools, many children in the fourth and fifth grade were proudly displaying these bracelets. A case can be made that some of these children were lying about what they were doing, but what concerns me is that I know that not all of them were lying. I don't believe that children of this age are emotionally mature enough to handle being sexually active.

Better safe than sorry is my motto when talking to your children about sex.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Having the Sex Talk with Your Child

There is a new way of thinking when it comes to having "the talk" with your child. The feeling now is that you should begin laying ground work at a very young age and keep adding information as your child matures. After hearing this, I began thinking that this really isn't a new way of doing things, but just an added twist to the old way. Our parents taught us the names of our body parts, and their uses at a very young age also. What they didn't do is break up the main talk into doable chunks. Breaking the big talk into smaller chunks that are age appropriate may take away some of the uncomfortable feelings that we get when thinking about talking to our children about sex. It may also eliminate some of the confusion our children experience when they are given a lot of new information. In addition, they may not feel as embarrased when you are talking about sex, if it is something that you have been talking about for most of their lives.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

In Light of the Shots that Rang Out at a Houston Elementary School Yesterday

In light of the shots that rang out at Ross Elementary School in Houston yesterday, I was compelled to address a parent's responsibility with regard to gun safety. This shooting was not about revenge, mental illness or protection like so many of the other school shootings. This school shooting was about a six year old boy having access at his home to a loaded gun. I don't believe that this little boy brought this gun to school to do any harm. It is quite disturbing to me that the parents of this boy had a loaded gun lying around where he could get to it.

Early in my counseling career a little boy of about the same age told me about the loaded gun that his parents had under their bed to shoot the oppossum that kept getting into their trash at night. I immediately called the parents and let them know that their son knew about where the gun was hidden and had actually taken it out and played with it. The parents' response surprised me. At first it was one of denial, their son did not know where the gun was hidden. This response was curious to me, as I was able to relay to them where it was hidden. Denial is a wonderful thing. Next, they held to the fact that their son knew better than to ever touch the gun. It wasn't until I told them that they would be held accountable for any injuries incurred if their son discharged the gun, that they agreed to lock the gun up where their son could not reach it. I was saddened by the fact that they only agreed to take action because they may get in trouble. Many states have laws that hold the parents accountable for any injuries done by their child with a gun that they own. Check your state for the laws that apply to you.

I don't believe that guns and young children belong in a house together. If you believe that you need to have a gun in your house to protect your family, I hope this incident makes you rethink how safely you are storing that gun. Are your children able to get to it? Is it locked up? Are you storing it unloaded with the bullets hidden in a different location? Remember children are innovative at getting things that they are not suppose to have. Food for thought: although it is sometimes difficult for me to open those child proof medicine bottles, children typically have no problem opening them at all.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Reconnecting with Your Children Even If It Has Been a Long Time Since a Very Bitter Divorce

Is it too late to reconnect with your children after not seeing them for years due to a bitter divorce? The easy answer to this question is "no", but it is important to reaalize that this may not turn out to be the fairytale reunion that you are envisioning. There are some things that you are going to need to think about when getting ready to reconnect with your children. This decision is tied up with the emotions of several other people, so consider the idea of this reconnection carefully. Do you really want to reconnect or do you just want to briefly check in on them and then disappear from their lives again? If you are not in it for the long haul, please find another way to obtain the information that you are seeking. It was very hard for your children to deal with your abandonment years ago, and it would be extremely selfish of you to put them through it again just to fulfill your needs.

Another thing to consider is the age of your children. If they have not yet reached adulthood, you will need the approval of their guardian. Often times this will be your ex. Are you ready to reach out and talk to your ex? It probably will not be a warm and fuzzy discussion, as they were the ones who had to deal with the fallout when you left the first time. You will probably be met with strong resistance to this reunion. Even though you know that you have committed completely to this reunion, you will probable have an uphill battle convincing your ex of that. If you children are adults, you may also meet with resistance from them. Be ready to answer their questions about why now. They may think that you are only connecting with them because you need something from them. If this is the case, best to be honest about it.

Allow your children time to vent their anger towards you over your leaving. Do not try to convince them that it is not your fault or let them in on the whys about why you left, there will be time for that. At first just let them vent and let them know that you are listening to what they have to say. They may have a lot to work through before they are able to begin developing a relationship with you. Don't expect to fall right into the role of parent, I think the most that you can hope for is friendship. If your children end up deciding that they don't want to have a relationship with you at this time, let them know that its okay to decide that and that you will be there for them if they change their mind down the road.

Even if this does not work out the way you envisioned it, it is important to still make the attempt. Whether your reconnection ends in a new relationship or falls flat, it served a very important purpose. It allowed your children to get rid of some of the emotional baggage left over from their childhood.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Choose Your Battles Carefully When It Comes to Your Children

Is it really that important for children to dress the way you want them to, wear their hair in the style that you like and participate in the activities that you think that they should be participating in? We are all trying our best to raise children who will become productive adults. Consider that if you are making all the decisions for your children, you are making it very difficult for them to have confidence in their own decision making ability. Next time that they want to paint their nails pink or wear clothes that are typically worn by the opposite sex, support their decision. It will be difficult to do, but the benefits will be great.

Save your battles for the important issues like drugs. If you are constantly correcting your children, they will start tuning you out. Start today letting them make some of their own decisions (mistakes) on the smaller things, they may just start listening to you again in time to hear your words about the big stuff.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

What about that J. Crew Picture and those Pink Toenails?

Should we continue to promote the idea of gender specific activities with our children or should our childrens' ply reflect a society where the gender specific roles are becoming a little more blurred? In today's society, we have stay at home dads and female corporate moguls. This is not our parents "Father Knows Best" society anymore. I think that by engaging in activities that cross gender lines, we will be raising more well rounded and tolerant children. For me the question is not about whether it was okay for the J. Crew executive to paint her son's toenails bright pink, but rather whether it was okay to exploit her son in an ad that benefitted her career. I don't believe that crossing gender lines with the way our children play causes gender confusion. A person's gender identity comes from within no matter what their age is. It's a natural part of growing up to explore who you are.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

A Few Words about Divorce and Adult Children

Don't forget that your adult children are still your children no matter how old they are. They will experience some of the same emotions that younger children experience in a divorce. Many parents lean on their adult children when there is a later life divorce. Eventhough they have a better idea of the true nature of their parents, don't forget that your ex is still their parent. Use restraint when venting to them.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Some Things to Consider When Developing a Visitation Schedule that Works for Your Family

There are a number of things that you must taken into consideration when developing a visitation plan. First and most importantly, you must consider whether there is a risk for abuse from your ex. If there is a risk of child abuse, the court can mandate either no visitation or supervised visitation. If the abuse is directed at you, the alternative may be to complete the child exchange in a public place or by a third party. If abuse is involved, I encourage you to seek assistance from the legal system when developing your visitation plan. In this case it is good to have it in writing.

Other things to consider when developing your visitation plan are: the activity schedule for you and your children, and parent's job constraints including hours worked and travel. If at all possible, schedule some time every once in a while when you all do something as a family, just to let your children know that you can still get together without all hell breaking loose. This will go a long way in preventing the children from playing you against each other to get what they want.

If you are having difficulty with either developing a visitation plan or one parent is not following through with the plan, there is some great software available to help out with this task. It allows you to develop the plan by inputting all of your information and provides you with several options to choose from for your family. You can also print a schedule for all parties. I believe that this can eliminate any confusion about whose day it is to have the children. Many times, I have sat wiping children's tears away when parents had gotten confused about whose turn it was to pick up the children. I believe that if these programs can prevent those tears from falling, they are well worth the money. Custodyxchange (which has an online component and a portion of it is a free download), Kidmate and
Custody Toolbox 2 by five o’clock software seem to all have good reviews.

A last thought about visitation. As the children get older, it is important to revisit your visitation schedule. Teenagers are busy developing their independance through activities and friends. They want to spend less time with their parents whether their parents are divorced or not. Try not to take this personally because it is a natural part of their development toward adulthood. Forcing them to maintain the visitation schedule that worked when they were young children may meet with much resistance.

Food for Thought about People who Influenced Your Life

Tell your kids about the people who influenced your life. They may be inspired to find inspiration in their life, and even share stories with you about those people who have influenced them. Sharing a part of yourself may stregnthen your relationship with your children (even those difficult teens).

If you have not had the opportunity to thank the person who had a positive influence on you, take the time to do that now if you can. I don't think it is ever to late to thank these people or if they have died you can let their families know how important this person was to you. What a great lesson for your children about gratitude.

Two lessons for your children for the price of one.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Choices to Consider When Deciding on Custody

What the decision of child custody boils down to is, is sole custody or joint custody in the best interest of the children. Sounds simple when stated that way but it is one of the most important decisions that you will make in your marriage. Sole custody is the traditional and most popular choice, however joint custody is becoming more and more popular. Joint custody can be done a number of different ways. It can be managed by schoolyear and summer, month to month, half week here/half week there or children staying with one parent all the time with shared parental responsibility and decision making. In my school counseling experience, the children who had a half week here/half week there custody arrangement seemed to struggle with disorganization. Leaving there homework, books or things that they needed at their other house. When doing my research for the topic of child custody, I came across an interesting alternative for joint custody that I feel may work best for the children. Instead of having the children move from house to house, they stay in one place and the parents move. This may present the parents with some logistical problems to work out like where are they going to stay when they are not with their children. One option is to get one apartment for both of you to share which may be a little creepy. I think that I would be concerned that my ex was looking through my stuff. Another solution may be to stay with friends or family on your child free times. Although I found no research done on this option, I think it provides an interesting alternative to the better known joint custody options. If you are concerned about what this uprooting might due to you, consider what uprooting your child does to them.

Research suggests that there is no difference in the emotional well-being of the children with any of these choices. The only factor that research suggests affects your child's emotional well-being is the way their parents get along both during the divorce process and after the divorce. So the most important thing that you can do for your children when making this decision is to it amicably.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Do Custody Fights Really Need to Get so Nasty?

Some of the nastiest fights that I have ever seen have involved a custody dispute. Why is it that custody issues are some of the toughest and most vicious decisions to be made in a divorce? The choice should be easy since there are only a few options to choose from and usually one parent has already been doing the lion’s share of the parenting. The answer is simple, emotions get in the way. The bad feelings surrounding the pending divorce affect the ability to make a rational decision. Often times we find ourselves trying to get back at the other person, either consciously or unconsciously, by using the children as leverage. Being aware of these emotions may help you stay focused on what’s important to consider when making this decision, what’s in the best interest of the children. Even if only one of you stays focused on what’s important and checks your emotions at the door, you will make a better decision regarding custody.

The best people to make decisions about children are their parents. Often times it is the courts that are left to make these vital decisions for children because the parents are unable to come to an amiable decision. Before you allow a judge to make this decision, consider that they base their decision on the limited information that has been collected for them. You know your children best! You know what each of your children’s needs are, the strengths and weaknesses of both parents, and family schedules. Clearly the two of you are better prepared and more knowledgeable than the courts to make this life changing decision. Having said that, if you are unable to put your bad feelings aside this decision will be best left up to the judge.