Monday, February 28, 2011

What Is Our Divorce Doing to Our Children--Through the Eyes of a Little Girl

Today’s post is a story that I want to share with you. I am hoping that it will get you thinking about what putting children in the middle of a divorce does to them. I was counseling a Kindergartener several years ago who was continually acting out in class. She was throwing things, hitting students and not making any friends. Five year olds tend not to have the ability to vocalize what they are feeling so they tend to act out. One day when I was meeting with her, I asked her to show me what it felt like to be her. She lined up three bears in one of my chairs and one bear in another chair. Her father had remarried and had a baby, while her mother and she lived on their own. Placing herself in between the two chairs, she picked up a bear from each chair and began swaying from side to side. To me it looked as if the bears were playing tug of war with her as the rope. I don’t think that I could describe what we do to our children when we put them in the middle of our divorce better, if I used a thousand words.

The Stats about Divorce and Our Children

Having counseled children whose parents had recently divorced, I believe that divorce should be a last resort rather than the "go to" when a marriage is having problems. I do not go as far as Dr. Laura who believes that unless there is abuse, you should stay in a marriage for the sake of the children. I believe that you should try counseling, and work on compromising to see if you can make things work first. I don't believe that staying in a bad marriage is any better for the children.

In today's society, we have begun to look at marriage as throw away. "When the going gets tough the tough get going" seems to be our motto in the United States in particular where the divorce rate is higher than any other place in the world. The rate has not quite reached the 50% rate that the media is reporting. According to enrichment journal on the divorce rates in America, the divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41%; the divorce rate in America for second marriage is 60%; the divorce rate in America for third marriage is 73%. According to discovery channel, couples with children have a slightly lower rate of divorce than childless couples.

A divorce increases children's risk for a variety of problems, though not all children who experience divorce have problems. Children of divorce are twice as likely as children living in nondivorced families to experience difficulties. Roughly 20% to 25% of these children will have problems, which means that 75% to 80% will not experience difficulties. Children of divorce are at greater risk for developing problems, but most will not have major problems.

The statistic suggest that divorce does not have to be devastating for our children. There are things that you can do as a parent to ensure your child's well being following a divorce. I will explore these ideas in detail in future blogs but want to focus in on one thing right now. Stop sharing all the details of your troubles with your former spouse with your child. This person is still your child's parent and sharing these things causes conflicting emotions in your child. Find a trusted friend or family member that you can vent your feelings to, but make sure that little ears aren't listening. If you do not have someone in your life that you feel comfortable enough to share your innermost thoughts with, then I would suggest that you seek a counselor who will assist you in making peace with your emotions about the divorce.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Helping Your Children Navigate Your Divorce

Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left.
-Jean Kerr

If we as adults feel this way when we are getting a divorce, just imagine how it must feel to our children. I will be doing a series of postings and podcasts about helping your children survive a divorce the best way that they can. I will include: activities that you can do with them to ease the transition, ideas on how to tell them about the divorce, thoughts about what to tell them if your ex is having a new baby with someone else, and some thoughts on how to maneuver custody and visitation. I will include interviews with parents who have teenage children who are trying to play both parents against each other and parents with younger children who are dealing with how their ex is treating their children. I hope that this information will help ease some of the fear and pain associated with divorce.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

More Food for Thought

The conscience of children is formed by the influences that surround them; their notions of good and evil are the result of the moral atmosphere they breathe. -Jean Paul Richter

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

What's in Your Baby's Food

I am all for either making your baby's food from fresh vegetables and fruits, or buying baby foods that are made with all natural ingredients. Having a child with an autoimmune disease, gets you to think about what is in the food you're eating. I don't think that the preservatives that are in baby foods are good for your baby. I hope that this post gets you to start thinking not only about what is in your baby's food, but what is in your's as well. Cattle and chickens are fed growth hormones to help them to grow quicker. Ask yourself what eating chicken and beef that have been raised on growth hormones does to you and your children. There has not been a lot of research done on this topic, however many of us only need to look around at our children to know the truth. Children are developing at a much younger age then ever before and autoimmune diseases are at an all time high in developed countries. So next time you are at the grocery store, I hope you carefully consider what is going into your shopping cart.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Preparing Your Child to Survive a School Shooting

None of us want to consider the possibility that our child may be at a school where there is a shooting but the reality is that all our children are at risk. There are weekly incidences involving guns in the school, in fact it has become so common place that the news doesn’t even report it anymore. In a survey conducted in 2008, that 100,000 students in the United States report bringing a gun to school daily.

There does not appear to be a profile that encompasses all of the shooters to assist our children in identifying a potential shooter. It is likely that they have been bullied and that they like violent video games, movies and television shows. That describes 95% of all teenagers, so that provides no help. Help your child to understand that they should trust in their gut instinct about someone. The signs are there prior to the incident. In 93% of the shootings, students indicated that the shooters had been exhibiting behaviors that they found concerning. Early identification may assist the shooter in getting the help that they need and prevent a tragedy. In addition, make sure that they know what to do if they see someone with a weapon. They should get away from the person and report it to a school staff member immediately.

Here are some ideas from a book entitled Surviving a School Shooting: A Plan of Action for Parents, Teachers and Students by Loren W. Christensen that might just save your child’s life.
*First and foremost, teach them to flee if they have can and run as fast as they can. If they can’t go out the door, try the window. If there is no exit, barricade the door with filing cabinets or book cases.
*Encourage your child to do some pre-planning by taking a look around all the areas that they are in throughout their school day for exits, hiding places and things that they may be able to use as weapons to defend themselves against a shooter. Remember even a stapler can be a weapon.
*Help them to learn and practice breathing techniques, like Diaphragmatic breathing to use when they find themselves in any crisis situation.

For additional ideas about what you can teach your child to do in this type of situation, read this book or one similar to it. The one hesitation that I have about the information in this book is that it goes into some detail about how to teach your child to fight back. I am not sure that I would encourage my child to fight back, and I think that you should take some time to think about what you would want your child to do in this situation. I recommend that if you are going to encourage your child to fight back when facing a shooter, get them some formal training. Many martial arts schools offer this type of self-defense training.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Parenting isn"t Easy!

Parenting isn't easy, that's what makes it so rewarding when you do it right!

Is a Virtual School the Right Choice for your Child?

A virtual school or cyberschool is a school that teaches courses entirely or primarily through online methods. They are descendants of the correspondence courses that have been around for a long time and utilized the postal service for communication. Using the internet for communication seems to be a much more effect way of communicating and may be the reason for the growth explosion of virtual schools. A virtual school differs from the traditional school by linking administrators, teachers, and students together utilizing the internet. Accredited schools must meet rigorous standards designed to insure that students are receiving the highest quality instruction and education, however many virtual schools are not accredited at this time.

Virtual Schools are now available to all grade levels and can provide a full curriculum to your child or an al carte type menu where they can choose to attend some classes through a virtual school. It is important to note that not all Virtual Schools provide your child with the ability to receive a diploma, so be sure to research the guidelines governing the schools in your area. There are many different models of virtual schools available. Instructional models range from fully independent self paced courses to teacher facilitated courses, so you’ll need to do some research on what model will best suit your child’s needs and abilities. Keep in mind that it will take a lot of will power to stay on track and focused in an entirely self-paced course. Class sizes range widely with anywhere from 25 students to as many as 200 students in each class section. Students keep in contact with teachers and collaborate with other students through web communication tools. In some cases students communicate by phone with instructors.

A link is beginning to develop between Public and Virtual Schools. Many districts either have their own Virtual Schools or have linked together with an already existing Virtual School. Some Public Schools are providing computer labs where students can take online courses right on their campus. Typically if there is this connection between the two types of schools there will be no charge to the parent for the course or for materials required for the course. Check with the schools in your area about fees and supplies since they will differ greatly from school to school.

Some advantages of attending a virtual school are: not being required to attend and travel to face-to-face classes so students are able to set their own schedule and the daily use of digital media in the curriculum keeps these students up to date on the latest technological advances. In addition, I think that it provides a student with the ability to work at their own pace in a subject that they may be struggling with.

Disadvantages of this type of schooling include: lack of social interaction with the teacher and their peers, the challenge of staying focused while in the home environment and that these schools are not held up to the standards of other types of schools. The lack of socialization can be addressed through participation in group activities held outside of the schools just like it is addressed with home school students. Standards are being developed for these types of schools and they do have some accrediting agencies but they are still in the growing phase. It is important given this information that you conduct your own research on the Virtual Schools available to you before jumping into this choice. As far as the focusing issue, that is all on you and your child. Do you both have the ability to stay committed and focused to the tasks at hand or like me are you a major procrastinator? That is a question that only you can answer.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Is Private Scool the right choice for your child?

Private Schools do not have to abide by the rules that the government sets down for Public Schools because they do not receive funding from the government. This often means that children who attend Private Schools are not required to take the yearly achievement tests that many states require. This can be a big plus when you consider that many states have mandatory retention laws if a student doesn’t receive a passing grade on this exam. Many children suffer from test anxiety or learning difficulties that may affect their ability to pass such an exam. The Private School may provide an alternative to retention. Most Private Schools do follow the guidelines set down by the state with regard to class content and curriculum. Therefore, what they are learning in this type of school should be similar to what is being taught in the public school. Some Private Schools are religiously affiliated and therefore add classes in religion to the courses that they offer. Other Private Schools provide special assistance aimed to improve the lives of students with special learning needs. Class size in Private Schools is usually smaller than that of a Public School and therefore allows a teacher to provide more individual attention to a student.

Private Schools are funded for the most part through student tuition. The amount of tuition varies from school to school, and some schools offer scholarships for students who may be athletically talented, academically talented or financially challenged. Research the Private Schools in your area to see what the tuition cost are and what they may have to offer your child with regard to scholarship money.

A few websites that you may want to visit to obtain information about the Private Schools in your area are: privateschoolreview.com and nces.ed.gov/surveys/pss/. These websites provide information about the school’s philosophy, classes offered, and school population. They may assist you in determining whether a Private School is the best choice for your child. Both of these websites are for schools in the United States but I am sure that there are similar websites available to you if you reside in another country.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

A Recipe for Parenting

Consider letting your children help with the cooking tonight. If they are very young, there are some great simple recipes that they can help with. Some of my fondest memories from my own childhood surrounded spending time in the kitchen baking cookies with my mom. Don't get to uptight about making a mess, that's part of the fun and you can always make a game out of cleaning up.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Some Valentine's Day Thoughts

Don't forget to tell each of your children how much you love them today and everyday! Especially those moody teenagers. I think that by telling them this everyday, you are growing in them the believe that they are loveable. This may increase the amount that they love themselves, and we all know that people who love themselves do much better in life, particularly when times get hard.

Is Home Schooling the Right Choice for You and Your Child?

Home Schooling when done the right way can be extremely beneficial to a child. These children can actually far exceed a child who is receiving their education in a public school setting. They can explore areas of interest in depth and specialize their education to meet their needs more than a public school classroom can. It also takes up less time in their day to complete their studies since they are not traveling and their education is so individualized. This frees them up and allows them more time to explore other interests. This type of schooling can be very beneficial if your child is very involved and talented at a particular sport or musical endeavor. I know of one parent who chose home schooling for her son because he was training for the Junior Olympics.

My experience with home schooling has been limited to seeing students reentering the public school system. Some found themselves being placed in advanced classes, but many found themselves very far behind their fellow classmates and some even had to repeat a grade. Often times the choice of home schooling comes out of a negative reaction by a parent or student to something that happened in the school setting. When we find ourselves making decisions reactively, we often don’t make decisions in an informed way. Be careful that you make this decision after careful thought and not in response to something. Home schooling is hard work for both the student and the parent who is going to be overseeing their schooling. It is a huge commitment on your part that will affect your child for the rest of their life, please don’t make this decision lightly. It may be less of a time commitment on the part of your child, but it is certainly a huge time commitment on your part. Preparation and implementation of a home schooling curriculum is time consuming and does not fit into everyone’s busy life style.

One thing I think it is important to include in your home schooling curriculum is access to other home schooling parents who may have expertise in a subject that you are not strong in. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and it is important to play to your strengths and find support in your areas of weakness. I am very strong in Mathematics and somewhat weak in Language Arts. If I were home schooling my child, I would find another parent who would compliment my abilities in order to provide the best education that I could for my child. I think “swapping” teaching in a circle of home schoolers will strengthen your child’s education. These groups already exist in most areas, you just need to go out and find them. In addition, many virtual schools are providing “ala carte” classes for homeschoolers to supplement the curriculum. Virtual schools are not yet available in all areas but I believe that they will be soon.

I also think is important to include social interaction with same age peers. I have found that some home schoolers are lacking the ability to interact with their peers when reentering the public school system because they have had little contact with groups of their peers during their home schooling experience. This peer interaction can be obtained through participation in sports leagues. classes at the local YMCA, or church groups to name just a few. Public schools will sometimes allow students who are being home schooled to participate in Art, Music, P.E. and some itinerant Special Education classes. You will need to check whether your district allows for this.

When choosing Home Schooling, it is important to consider your commitment to educating your child. There are many benefits that can come from Home Schooling your child if you are committed to doing it the right way. It is important to choose this option with your eyes wide open to the amount of time and energy that is going to take in order to do it right. Before making this decision, talk to parents that are currently home schooling their child. You can find them by researching on the internet for Home Schooling groups in your area. Again I emphasize the importance of doing your homework before making the decision about which school will provide the best learning environment for your child.