When it comes to my recommendations about homework and children, I am all about not reinventing the wheel. I have a book that I like to suggest to parents because I really like the advice that it gives and it is an easy read. The book is Homework Without Tears by Lee Canter. In this book, he gives some great suggestions to ease the many difficulties that can arise during that dreaded part of the evening. I will highlight a few of his ideas here and some of my own, however I strongly urge you to find a copy of this book and read it.
I believe that some of the problems that occur during homework time could be eliminated by some carefully planning to develop a good work environment. Canter makes the following recommendation when settling on a studying location: it should be a quiet location (not in the viewing line of the television), well lit, a “do not disturb” sign and a homework survival kit that includes all the supplies that your student may need while studying. The survival kit may include: several sharpened pencils, erasers, paper, scissors, crayons, calculator. Having all the supplies within reach limit’s the number of interruptions.
Setting a time aside each weekday for homework and posting that time may eliminate some of the arguing that erupts when it is time for homework. Best scenario is that it is at the same time each day, however with all the after school activities that our children are involved in this may not be practical. Set aside a daily time that fits into your schedule. Times may be different for different days of the week, but I suggest that those times stay the same from week to week. If your child doesn’t have any homework one evening, it is still important to stick with the routine of homework time. They could read or do practice math problems to fill the study time.
If your child requires your attention in every step of their homework and refuses to do any of his homework without asking what seems like a million questions, Canter suggests a fun re-enforcer for this problem. It is called the M&M game. You set a small pile of M&Ms in front of your child at homework time, letting them know that each time they ask a question you will take an M&M from the pile. Any M&Ms left at the end of study time are for your child to eat. Please note that this activity is not meant for every child, only those who will not do any of their homework on their own. With other children, it may act as a deterrent to asking you for some needed help. Use caution with this activity, although I have been told it really works.
With a little preparation, and a whole lot of patience, homework time can turn into a pleasant experience for both you and your child.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Grief and Loss Podcast
Our latest podcast is posted, and should be available on iTunes shortly, and soon appearing in the box to the right of this post.
I wanted to reiterate the fact that grief and loss do not only apply to death. Any loss (moving, friends leaving, pets dying, parent's loss of job, etc.) all involve a lot of the same basic principles and can be used to help your child through these issues.
If you have ideas for future podcasts, and in particular guests for interviews in future episodes, please let us know. We would love to include you in a future episode. E-mail us at ParentSharing@aol.com if you have an idea.
I wanted to reiterate the fact that grief and loss do not only apply to death. Any loss (moving, friends leaving, pets dying, parent's loss of job, etc.) all involve a lot of the same basic principles and can be used to help your child through these issues.
If you have ideas for future podcasts, and in particular guests for interviews in future episodes, please let us know. We would love to include you in a future episode. E-mail us at ParentSharing@aol.com if you have an idea.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Grief and Loss
As a school counselor, I deal with the issue of loss a lot with children of various ages. The most important thing to understand about children and death is that there is no timetable when it comes to dealing with death, they will face the loss in their own time. If your child is not displaying the signs of grief that you feel that they should be, it may be their brain protecting them from whatever they are not yet able to process. They may need time before they are ready to address the issue of their grief. Pushing them to deal with grief before they are ready, may have long lasting negative ramifications.
So how will you know when a child is ready to fully begin the grieving process? Unfortunately there isn’t a cookie cutter answer, but one sign may be when they start asking questions about the person who died or about the death itself. This is when you need to be ready to walk your child through the stages of grief. If your own pain is too fresh to be able to properly help your child, entrust a close friend or family member. Make sure that when you are picking this person that they share your same beliefs regarding death. If they do not, it may be necessary to pick someone else, in order to limit confusion and contradiction.
An understanding of Kubler-Ross Stages of Grief may help you understand your own grief, as well as help you with dealing with child’s grief. The five stages are: Denial (the “this is not happening“ phase), Anger, Bargaining (the “what I promise to do, if you can make this not happen” phase), Depression, and Acceptance. One thing to keep in mind about the stages of grief is that as you pass through the stages, they are fluid and you may find yourself or your children going back and forth through the stages for a period of time.
Death is not permanent for children before about the age of six. Children before the age of six (and sometimes even later depending on your child’s development) believe that the person who died will return to life again. This point was solidified with me when a family member, who was five at the time of his father’s death, told us that his dad was going to walk down the stairs from heaven and play a game with him later on that night. For this reason, it is very important to use words like death and died when referring to a loss. Using terms like loss, sleeping, or they are on a journey to heaven other euphemisms for death may confuse your child even more. The child may be left with the sense that the person who died needs to be found, that they will be coming back at some point, or they may begin to associate sleep with death.
Terms that we associate with a death are not terms children are familiar with. I have had to explain to children as old as eleven words like casket, funeral, memorial service, cremation and burial. These are terms that are thrown out often during a time following a death. We all experience fear of the unknown, and to many children these terms are unknown. Asking your child whether they understand what the terms you are using mean, can go a long way to relieving the anxiety that they may feel at this time. A little knowledge can make a big difference in the grieving process.
The Big Question????
I wish I had a dollar for each time a parent has consulted me about whether the child should go to the funeral home, or attend the funeral, I would be a very wealthy women. There is not an easy answer to this question. If you consulted ten professionals on this topic, you would get ten different answers. My belief is that you need to listen to what the child is saying that they need. An example of this was again with my nephew when his father died. He kept telling his mother that he needed to say goodbye to his father and he just wanted to hold his hand one more time. She believed strongly that he needed to be kept far from all of the grief at the funeral home and the burial. After some convincing she agreed to let him go to the funeral home with for ten minutes prior to everyone else showing up. When he got there, he sat right next to the casket talking and holding his dad’s hand. It allowed him to begin the healing process, by seeing his dad one last time.
So how will you know when a child is ready to fully begin the grieving process? Unfortunately there isn’t a cookie cutter answer, but one sign may be when they start asking questions about the person who died or about the death itself. This is when you need to be ready to walk your child through the stages of grief. If your own pain is too fresh to be able to properly help your child, entrust a close friend or family member. Make sure that when you are picking this person that they share your same beliefs regarding death. If they do not, it may be necessary to pick someone else, in order to limit confusion and contradiction.
An understanding of Kubler-Ross Stages of Grief may help you understand your own grief, as well as help you with dealing with child’s grief. The five stages are: Denial (the “this is not happening“ phase), Anger, Bargaining (the “what I promise to do, if you can make this not happen” phase), Depression, and Acceptance. One thing to keep in mind about the stages of grief is that as you pass through the stages, they are fluid and you may find yourself or your children going back and forth through the stages for a period of time.
Death is not permanent for children before about the age of six. Children before the age of six (and sometimes even later depending on your child’s development) believe that the person who died will return to life again. This point was solidified with me when a family member, who was five at the time of his father’s death, told us that his dad was going to walk down the stairs from heaven and play a game with him later on that night. For this reason, it is very important to use words like death and died when referring to a loss. Using terms like loss, sleeping, or they are on a journey to heaven other euphemisms for death may confuse your child even more. The child may be left with the sense that the person who died needs to be found, that they will be coming back at some point, or they may begin to associate sleep with death.
Terms that we associate with a death are not terms children are familiar with. I have had to explain to children as old as eleven words like casket, funeral, memorial service, cremation and burial. These are terms that are thrown out often during a time following a death. We all experience fear of the unknown, and to many children these terms are unknown. Asking your child whether they understand what the terms you are using mean, can go a long way to relieving the anxiety that they may feel at this time. A little knowledge can make a big difference in the grieving process.
The Big Question????
I wish I had a dollar for each time a parent has consulted me about whether the child should go to the funeral home, or attend the funeral, I would be a very wealthy women. There is not an easy answer to this question. If you consulted ten professionals on this topic, you would get ten different answers. My belief is that you need to listen to what the child is saying that they need. An example of this was again with my nephew when his father died. He kept telling his mother that he needed to say goodbye to his father and he just wanted to hold his hand one more time. She believed strongly that he needed to be kept far from all of the grief at the funeral home and the burial. After some convincing she agreed to let him go to the funeral home with for ten minutes prior to everyone else showing up. When he got there, he sat right next to the casket talking and holding his dad’s hand. It allowed him to begin the healing process, by seeing his dad one last time.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Pregnancy and New Baby
Bringing a new baby into the home can be a stressful time for any child. We all have trouble dealing with change. Placing yourself in your child’s shoes can be helpful in better understanding where your child is coming from. Children, as I talked about in a previous post, are attention seeking and when a new baby comes into the picture they usually receive the lion’s share of the attention. It is not hard to believe that your older child would start engaging in bad behaviors to gain your attention. This is an area of parenting where a little prior groundwork and well placed attention to the older child or children may prevent a lot of headaches down the road. Here are some ideas that I have either used or collected from other parents to ease this transition. Keep in mind that these activities will not eliminate all the acting out, nothing will because we all go kicking and screaming when change is involved. You can not change human nature, but you can influence it.
1) Let your child assist you in some of the preparations for the baby. I took my son shopping with me when I was picking out things for the nursery. When I did this with my son before the birth of my daughter, he chose a diaper that had his favorite character on it. He was very excited about sharing stories about this character with the baby every time that I changed her. Granted she was the only female baby on the block to have He-Man on her bottom and we got a lot of “what a cute little boy”, but what this did to ease my son’s transition to having a new family member was PRICELESS.
2) Have them purchase or make a Birthday gift or card for the new baby. This also helps them to gain understanding of what a birthday is commemorating.
3) There may be sibling classes offered in some areas to assist the big brother or sister through this transition.
4) Include your child in the milestones of the pregnancy. I had a copy of the ultra sound picture made for my son to keep. He took this picture to his pre-school show and tell, and proudly displayed it on his bedroom mirror for all of his friends to see. I told him about his story. Using pictures, we talked about when I was pregnant with him and what it was like when I brought him home from the hospital. In addition, I let him put his hand on my belly and feel the baby kick. Before he went to bed, he liked to put his hand on my belly and sing the baby a lullaby. By the time the baby was born, he was very connected to her.
5) Give big brother/big sister a disposable camera to take pictures when they meet baby.
6) Make a recording of your child’s favorite books so that they can listen to it while you are in the hospital having the baby.
7) Ask your closest family members and friends who will be visiting the new baby to remember big brother/big sister with something small when they bring a gift for the new baby. Some suggestions are: bubbles, play dough, a book, or a game. It does not have to be something expensive, but it should be something that the child would see as being fun.
8) If at all possible make special mommy and me time for your older child. I know this is asking a lot since it must seem that your life is spinning out of control and sleep is a distant memory, but this will go a long way in reduce the jealousy of the older sibling.
I hope that one or more of these ideas helps you through this transition period. A little pre-birth planning and some individual attention to the older sibling after the birth, should help.
1) Let your child assist you in some of the preparations for the baby. I took my son shopping with me when I was picking out things for the nursery. When I did this with my son before the birth of my daughter, he chose a diaper that had his favorite character on it. He was very excited about sharing stories about this character with the baby every time that I changed her. Granted she was the only female baby on the block to have He-Man on her bottom and we got a lot of “what a cute little boy”, but what this did to ease my son’s transition to having a new family member was PRICELESS.
2) Have them purchase or make a Birthday gift or card for the new baby. This also helps them to gain understanding of what a birthday is commemorating.
3) There may be sibling classes offered in some areas to assist the big brother or sister through this transition.
4) Include your child in the milestones of the pregnancy. I had a copy of the ultra sound picture made for my son to keep. He took this picture to his pre-school show and tell, and proudly displayed it on his bedroom mirror for all of his friends to see. I told him about his story. Using pictures, we talked about when I was pregnant with him and what it was like when I brought him home from the hospital. In addition, I let him put his hand on my belly and feel the baby kick. Before he went to bed, he liked to put his hand on my belly and sing the baby a lullaby. By the time the baby was born, he was very connected to her.
5) Give big brother/big sister a disposable camera to take pictures when they meet baby.
6) Make a recording of your child’s favorite books so that they can listen to it while you are in the hospital having the baby.
7) Ask your closest family members and friends who will be visiting the new baby to remember big brother/big sister with something small when they bring a gift for the new baby. Some suggestions are: bubbles, play dough, a book, or a game. It does not have to be something expensive, but it should be something that the child would see as being fun.
8) If at all possible make special mommy and me time for your older child. I know this is asking a lot since it must seem that your life is spinning out of control and sleep is a distant memory, but this will go a long way in reduce the jealousy of the older sibling.
I hope that one or more of these ideas helps you through this transition period. A little pre-birth planning and some individual attention to the older sibling after the birth, should help.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Talking to Your Children about the Tough Stuff
There are certain topics that strike fear into the hearts of parents when they feel that the time has come to talk to their children about them. Whether the topic is sex, drugs, death or some crazy fad out there like the choking game, we all experience an uneasiness when preparing what we are going to say. No matter what the topic, some things about communicating with your children will always serve you well.
First on the list of things we all should do when preparing to talk with our children is get educated about the topic. Whether you are doing your research on-line or at the library, make sure that you have chosen a reliable source. This step is imperative because you want to have the facts when your children ask questions.
When setting aside a time to talk with your child, make sure that it is not at a time when you are angry or anxious. Anger and anxiety often lead to lecturing rather than talking, and we have all been at the receiving enough to know that the first thing that a child (especially a teenager) does when they believe there is a lecture coming is shut down. In order to prevent this from happening, make sure that the communication is a two way street. That you are listening, as much as you are talking.
Starting up the “tough” conversations is the hardest part. When you begin your talk, try not to start out with an accusing statement such as “Are you using drugs?”. Instead try starting with a statement something like “Have you heard anything about drugs at school?”. This will go a long way in keeping the lines of communication open and preventing your child from getting defensive.
A few thoughts about content. When talking with your child about any topic it is important that you use age appropriate content and vocabulary. The sex talk will be quite different for a nine year old and a fifteen year old. If you are not sure about what is age appropriate, do the research. A six year old asking about where babies come from is not looking for a biology lesson about the reproductive system, they may just want to know that they grow in their mommy’s belly. I think it is important to mention here that it is very important that no matter what age your child is you tell them the truth because if you lie and they find out later that you lied, this undermines the trust that you are trying to build. In addition, if during the course of your discussion, a question is asked that you don’t know the answer to fight the urge to fake it. A child will respect you much more if you say something like “I’m not sure what the answer to that question is, how about if we research it together.“ Building that trust is what is going to send your children running to you instead of their friends when they are faced with a major issue.
First on the list of things we all should do when preparing to talk with our children is get educated about the topic. Whether you are doing your research on-line or at the library, make sure that you have chosen a reliable source. This step is imperative because you want to have the facts when your children ask questions.
When setting aside a time to talk with your child, make sure that it is not at a time when you are angry or anxious. Anger and anxiety often lead to lecturing rather than talking, and we have all been at the receiving enough to know that the first thing that a child (especially a teenager) does when they believe there is a lecture coming is shut down. In order to prevent this from happening, make sure that the communication is a two way street. That you are listening, as much as you are talking.
Starting up the “tough” conversations is the hardest part. When you begin your talk, try not to start out with an accusing statement such as “Are you using drugs?”. Instead try starting with a statement something like “Have you heard anything about drugs at school?”. This will go a long way in keeping the lines of communication open and preventing your child from getting defensive.
A few thoughts about content. When talking with your child about any topic it is important that you use age appropriate content and vocabulary. The sex talk will be quite different for a nine year old and a fifteen year old. If you are not sure about what is age appropriate, do the research. A six year old asking about where babies come from is not looking for a biology lesson about the reproductive system, they may just want to know that they grow in their mommy’s belly. I think it is important to mention here that it is very important that no matter what age your child is you tell them the truth because if you lie and they find out later that you lied, this undermines the trust that you are trying to build. In addition, if during the course of your discussion, a question is asked that you don’t know the answer to fight the urge to fake it. A child will respect you much more if you say something like “I’m not sure what the answer to that question is, how about if we research it together.“ Building that trust is what is going to send your children running to you instead of their friends when they are faced with a major issue.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)