Coronavirus Post 2...Additional Ideas

Many parents are finding themselves having to fill roles that they never imagined that they would need to. Having to function as teachers while working from home can put a great deal of stress on parents. Take care of yourself. Don't work late into the night to catch up on work that you didn't get done during the day. Sleep deprivation lessens productivity, reduces your patience and increases your stress level.  These are all things that I believe to be counterproductive in these trying times. If possible, get family members or friends to help. Since my household is self isolating at this time, we have offered to help my granddaughter with her school work via facetime. This is not extremely difficult, since she is in Kindergarten.

In my last post, I shared with you some ways that we are staying connected with our grandchildren while remaining safe. Here are some others that we have been doing. We sent them on a scavenger hunt. We left a note in their "mailbox" and little sticky notes with clues to each of the next locations. We have been playing tic tac toe on our French doors using dry erase markers.  They had so much fun doing this, that I outlined a coloring book page on the doors with their favorite characters so that they could color them on the door like a stain glass window. Two things that I learned from this activity is to tape the coloring page to the outside of the door and outline on the inside (that way they can reuse the outline) and if there is another page on the back you should hang something behind the page so it is easier to see when outlining.

Keep calm and stay safe.

Does the Facebook Age Restriction Really Keep Our Children Safer When They Are On the Internet?

In a recent study parents reported that although Facebook's minimum age is 13, 36% of all parents surveyed reported that their child joined Facebook before the age of 13, and that 68% helped their child create the account.
78% parents surveyed think it is acceptable for their child to violate minimum age restrictions on online services.

Given the results of this survey, I think that our money could be better spent by educating parents and children on how to stay safe on the internet, rather than enforcing an outdated law passed in 1998 before sites like facebook were created that children and parents can get around by lying about the child's age. Websites like isafe.org, www.netsmartz.org, and www.stobullyingnow.hrsa.org provide great information both for parents and children on how to stay safe online.

Are GPS Tracking Systems Right for You and Your Teenage Driver?

Installing a GPS tracking system in your car is one way of knowing where your teenager is going and whether they are driving safely when they use the car. I am not quite sure how I feel about installing GPS tracking equipment in your car in order to keep track of your child’s driving and whereabouts. Having spent many nights worrying about my teenager's safety when they were out driving my car, I can understand the level of comfort you may get knowing where your children are going and how well they are driving. However, understand that this feeling of comfort comes at a price, and the price is a portion of the trust that you have built between you and your child.

Do you choose to tell your child about the system or not? Just knowing that the system has been installed may deter some children from engaging in unsafe activities in the vehicle or from going to places other then where they told you they were going. By not telling them, you may get a more accurate picture of what your child is doing when you are not around. It is important to understand that if you don't tell them about it and then use this information to discipline them, you will erase any trust that the two of you have built. Tough call. You know each of your children best, use this knowledge when making your decision about the installation of a GPS tracking system.

What to Do If You Catch Your Child in the Act of.....Masturbating

If you suspect that your child is masturbating, fight the urge to freak out. Remember how it made you feel when your parents caught you. They may have tried to scare you by telling you that if you kept doing it you would go blind or your hand would fall off. This may have left you feeling ashamed and feeling abnormal. Attempt to reassure them that it is normal and that they do not need to be ashamed. Masturbation only becomes a problem if it starts interfering with other aspects of your child’s life.

Having the Sex Talk with Your Child

There is a new way of thinking when it comes to having "the talk" with your child. The feeling now is that you should begin laying ground work at a very young age and keep adding information as your child matures. After hearing this, I began thinking that this really isn't a new way of doing things, but just an added twist to the old way. Our parents taught us the names of our body parts, and their uses at a very young age also. What they didn't do is break up the main talk into doable chunks. Breaking the big talk into smaller chunks that are age appropriate may take away some of the uncomfortable feelings that we get when thinking about talking to our children about sex. It may also eliminate some of the confusion our children experience when they are given a lot of new information. In addition, they may not feel as embarrased when you are talking about sex, if it is something that you have been talking about for most of their lives.

In Light of the Shots that Rang Out at a Houston Elementary School Yesterday

In light of the shots that rang out at Ross Elementary School in Houston yesterday, I was compelled to address a parent's responsibility with regard to gun safety. This shooting was not about revenge, mental illness or protection like so many of the other school shootings. This school shooting was about a six year old boy having access at his home to a loaded gun. I don't believe that this little boy brought this gun to school to do any harm. It is quite disturbing to me that the parents of this boy had a loaded gun lying around where he could get to it.

Early in my counseling career a little boy of about the same age told me about the loaded gun that his parents had under their bed to shoot the oppossum that kept getting into their trash at night. I immediately called the parents and let them know that their son knew about where the gun was hidden and had actually taken it out and played with it. The parents' response surprised me. At first it was one of denial, their son did not know where the gun was hidden. This response was curious to me, as I was able to relay to them where it was hidden. Denial is a wonderful thing. Next, they held to the fact that their son knew better than to ever touch the gun. It wasn't until I told them that they would be held accountable for any injuries incurred if their son discharged the gun, that they agreed to lock the gun up where their son could not reach it. I was saddened by the fact that they only agreed to take action because they may get in trouble. Many states have laws that hold the parents accountable for any injuries done by their child with a gun that they own. Check your state for the laws that apply to you.

I don't believe that guns and young children belong in a house together. If you believe that you need to have a gun in your house to protect your family, I hope this incident makes you rethink how safely you are storing that gun. Are your children able to get to it? Is it locked up? Are you storing it unloaded with the bullets hidden in a different location? Remember children are innovative at getting things that they are not suppose to have. Food for thought: although it is sometimes difficult for me to open those child proof medicine bottles, children typically have no problem opening them at all.

Is a Virtual School the Right Choice for your Child?

A virtual school or cyberschool is a school that teaches courses entirely or primarily through online methods. They are descendants of the correspondence courses that have been around for a long time and utilized the postal service for communication. Using the internet for communication seems to be a much more effect way of communicating and may be the reason for the growth explosion of virtual schools. A virtual school differs from the traditional school by linking administrators, teachers, and students together utilizing the internet. Accredited schools must meet rigorous standards designed to insure that students are receiving the highest quality instruction and education, however many virtual schools are not accredited at this time.

Virtual Schools are now available to all grade levels and can provide a full curriculum to your child or an al carte type menu where they can choose to attend some classes through a virtual school. It is important to note that not all Virtual Schools provide your child with the ability to receive a diploma, so be sure to research the guidelines governing the schools in your area. There are many different models of virtual schools available. Instructional models range from fully independent self paced courses to teacher facilitated courses, so you’ll need to do some research on what model will best suit your child’s needs and abilities. Keep in mind that it will take a lot of will power to stay on track and focused in an entirely self-paced course. Class sizes range widely with anywhere from 25 students to as many as 200 students in each class section. Students keep in contact with teachers and collaborate with other students through web communication tools. In some cases students communicate by phone with instructors.

A link is beginning to develop between Public and Virtual Schools. Many districts either have their own Virtual Schools or have linked together with an already existing Virtual School. Some Public Schools are providing computer labs where students can take online courses right on their campus. Typically if there is this connection between the two types of schools there will be no charge to the parent for the course or for materials required for the course. Check with the schools in your area about fees and supplies since they will differ greatly from school to school.

Some advantages of attending a virtual school are: not being required to attend and travel to face-to-face classes so students are able to set their own schedule and the daily use of digital media in the curriculum keeps these students up to date on the latest technological advances. In addition, I think that it provides a student with the ability to work at their own pace in a subject that they may be struggling with.

Disadvantages of this type of schooling include: lack of social interaction with the teacher and their peers, the challenge of staying focused while in the home environment and that these schools are not held up to the standards of other types of schools. The lack of socialization can be addressed through participation in group activities held outside of the schools just like it is addressed with home school students. Standards are being developed for these types of schools and they do have some accrediting agencies but they are still in the growing phase. It is important given this information that you conduct your own research on the Virtual Schools available to you before jumping into this choice. As far as the focusing issue, that is all on you and your child. Do you both have the ability to stay committed and focused to the tasks at hand or like me are you a major procrastinator? That is a question that only you can answer.

Is Private Scool the right choice for your child?

Private Schools do not have to abide by the rules that the government sets down for Public Schools because they do not receive funding from the government. This often means that children who attend Private Schools are not required to take the yearly achievement tests that many states require. This can be a big plus when you consider that many states have mandatory retention laws if a student doesn’t receive a passing grade on this exam. Many children suffer from test anxiety or learning difficulties that may affect their ability to pass such an exam. The Private School may provide an alternative to retention. Most Private Schools do follow the guidelines set down by the state with regard to class content and curriculum. Therefore, what they are learning in this type of school should be similar to what is being taught in the public school. Some Private Schools are religiously affiliated and therefore add classes in religion to the courses that they offer. Other Private Schools provide special assistance aimed to improve the lives of students with special learning needs. Class size in Private Schools is usually smaller than that of a Public School and therefore allows a teacher to provide more individual attention to a student.

Private Schools are funded for the most part through student tuition. The amount of tuition varies from school to school, and some schools offer scholarships for students who may be athletically talented, academically talented or financially challenged. Research the Private Schools in your area to see what the tuition cost are and what they may have to offer your child with regard to scholarship money.

A few websites that you may want to visit to obtain information about the Private Schools in your area are: privateschoolreview.com and nces.ed.gov/surveys/pss/. These websites provide information about the school’s philosophy, classes offered, and school population. They may assist you in determining whether a Private School is the best choice for your child. Both of these websites are for schools in the United States but I am sure that there are similar websites available to you if you reside in another country.

Is Home Schooling the Right Choice for You and Your Child?

Home Schooling when done the right way can be extremely beneficial to a child. These children can actually far exceed a child who is receiving their education in a public school setting. They can explore areas of interest in depth and specialize their education to meet their needs more than a public school classroom can. It also takes up less time in their day to complete their studies since they are not traveling and their education is so individualized. This frees them up and allows them more time to explore other interests. This type of schooling can be very beneficial if your child is very involved and talented at a particular sport or musical endeavor. I know of one parent who chose home schooling for her son because he was training for the Junior Olympics.

My experience with home schooling has been limited to seeing students reentering the public school system. Some found themselves being placed in advanced classes, but many found themselves very far behind their fellow classmates and some even had to repeat a grade. Often times the choice of home schooling comes out of a negative reaction by a parent or student to something that happened in the school setting. When we find ourselves making decisions reactively, we often don’t make decisions in an informed way. Be careful that you make this decision after careful thought and not in response to something. Home schooling is hard work for both the student and the parent who is going to be overseeing their schooling. It is a huge commitment on your part that will affect your child for the rest of their life, please don’t make this decision lightly. It may be less of a time commitment on the part of your child, but it is certainly a huge time commitment on your part. Preparation and implementation of a home schooling curriculum is time consuming and does not fit into everyone’s busy life style.

One thing I think it is important to include in your home schooling curriculum is access to other home schooling parents who may have expertise in a subject that you are not strong in. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and it is important to play to your strengths and find support in your areas of weakness. I am very strong in Mathematics and somewhat weak in Language Arts. If I were home schooling my child, I would find another parent who would compliment my abilities in order to provide the best education that I could for my child. I think “swapping” teaching in a circle of home schoolers will strengthen your child’s education. These groups already exist in most areas, you just need to go out and find them. In addition, many virtual schools are providing “ala carte” classes for homeschoolers to supplement the curriculum. Virtual schools are not yet available in all areas but I believe that they will be soon.

I also think is important to include social interaction with same age peers. I have found that some home schoolers are lacking the ability to interact with their peers when reentering the public school system because they have had little contact with groups of their peers during their home schooling experience. This peer interaction can be obtained through participation in sports leagues. classes at the local YMCA, or church groups to name just a few. Public schools will sometimes allow students who are being home schooled to participate in Art, Music, P.E. and some itinerant Special Education classes. You will need to check whether your district allows for this.

When choosing Home Schooling, it is important to consider your commitment to educating your child. There are many benefits that can come from Home Schooling your child if you are committed to doing it the right way. It is important to choose this option with your eyes wide open to the amount of time and energy that is going to take in order to do it right. Before making this decision, talk to parents that are currently home schooling their child. You can find them by researching on the internet for Home Schooling groups in your area. Again I emphasize the importance of doing your homework before making the decision about which school will provide the best learning environment for your child.

Is a Public School the Right Choice for Your Child?

Is public school the right choice for your child? That is a question that a lot of parents are asking themselves nowadays. Parents are finding themselves looking for an alternative to public school given all the violence and bullying that is popping up in public schools, the funding cuts and the believe that teachers are focusing their teaching on what is going to be on a standardized test. There is some validity to these concerns; however the reports of violence and bullying are over emphasized in the news. Make sure that you are getting accurate information on the violence present in the schools located in your area and how your district handles bullying behavior because there are probably as many ways of dealing with bullies as there are districts in the United States. Don’t rely on the information reported on television or the information provided by the district. Get your information from parents and students already attending the school your child is zoned to attend. It is also important to understand that bullying occurs in charter and private schools as well.

I don’t believe that there is as much teaching to the test as is reported. If your child attends school in a state that has standardized testing each year, it is important to understand that these test were developed to ascertain whether your child has learned the concepts that they were to have learned in that year of schooling. Having said that, I have run into some teachers in the public school system in the twelve years that I was working there that I would classify as teaching to the test, but they are few and far between.

There are several benefits to choosing a public school over any other school choice. One that you may not have considered is the number of different classes that they can choose to take at the middle school and high school level. Depending upon their interests they may have the opportunity to take classes in photography, specialized art classes, woodworking, theater, mechanics, band, orchestra, and electronics to name just a few. Be sure to research what your district has to offer.

If your child has a special need such as a learning difficulty, speech or language delays, autism, low ability or emotional difficulties, the public school provides support that other types of schools cannot provide. Charter schools do provide some support for these difficulties but not to the extent that a public school provides them.

Public schools have access to many different types of technology that other types of schools cannot provide for their students. Most public schools have several computer labs which provide students access to programs like movie maker, Google map, and educational games that help support what the students are learning. In addition, they can share information and interact with students all over the world instantly. In our technology driven society, this type of access may be very important to your child’s future.

As you can see it is most important to do your research when picking out the right school for your child. Be sure to consider what your child’s needs are and which type of school best meets those needs.

An Inspirational Book for Parents Everywhere

I just finished reading a book called The Christmas Box by Richard Paul Evans. I would recommend this book to all parents. The message of this book is about the importance of spending time with our children. Not missing out on those special events and moments that occur every day when our children are young. In addition, there is a second message for Christians reminding us about the very first Christmas gift that God gave to the world. It is a very quick, easy and inspirational read that I feel provides us with very important insight into what is truly important in our very busy lives.

How to Fight Back When Your Child Gets the Gimmies

When all you hear from your children during the holidays are the phrases “I want…”, "I have to have" or “Is that all I'm getting”, it is time to take action and fight back against the gimmies. I think the most important gifts that we can give are children in this “Me” society are gratitude and generosity. It is best to start this from an early age because the “gimmies” is a hard habit to break. It is hard to break this habit in a teenager but not impossible. I tried to address this issue in my own children from two directions: volunteering with them to help others and building holiday traditions or experiences.
I began taking my children to help out with the Thanksgiving Dinner for the Homeless that the Salvation Army puts on every year. I started this when my children were nine and twelve. In addition, we volunteered at various Christmas stores for the needy. Check with the organization as to whether they need any help and their age requirements for helping before you go. There is nothing more disappointing than to get there and not be able to help out. These organizations are overrun with volunteers at this time of the year, and are often begging for helping throughout the rest of the year. Consider volunteering at other times of the year, the experience will probably be much more rewarding for your children. I also had my children pick a name from one of the giving trees in the stores at Christmas time. They used their own money, which they earned by doing chores for me, to purchase gifts for these children. They wrapped the gifts and sent them with a special note of holiday cheer. In addition, they began making donations to organizations that the people on their gift list supported instead of getting them a gift. Another thing that our family has committed to is raising money through garage sales, parties and events for charities that are closed to our heart. I think that choosing a charity that holds special meaning to your family really motivates all of you to go out there and do it. There are so many different ways to volunteer, I bet your family will come up with some great ideas that fit the talents and interests of all of you.

Consider giving your children the gift of experiences during the holidays. The gift of your time is what they really want. Some of my fondest memories from my own childhood are not the gifts that were under the tree, but the fun that we had as a family setting up the tree, baking cookies and driving around looking at the lights. I realized just yesterday how important these things are to children when my son (who is in his late twenties) asked me when we were going to drive around and look at the lights.
I think that the best way to fight the “gimmies” is to include your child in the giving process and to provide your child with holiday experiences. Hope that this helps you to have a more joyous, less gimmie-filled holiday season.

What You Should Teach Your Child to Do If They are Being Cyberbullied

Here are some things that you can encourage your child to do if they are the victims of Cyberbullying:
1) Tell the Cyberbully to stop in an assertive message

2) Tell your parents. It is important that you do not freak out when they come and tell you that they are victims of cyberbullying. Take a deep breath, understand that it is great that they felt comfortable enough to come to you looking for help. Most importantly do not take the computer away from them. If you take the computer away, they will probably not trust you in the future to help them with their problems. Problem solving together may stregnthen your relationship and assist your child in handling problems in the future.

3) Ignore the Cyberbully—Block or filter the communication with this person by removing them from your friend list and not opening up their messages.

Bullying-Anger Management

Anger plays a large role in much of the bullying and violence that it is found in schools today. I believe that anger and jealousy is at the heart of much of what the bully is engaging in, and also the victim’s response after repeatedly being bullied. Teaching a few important facts about anger and several anger management skills will assist your child in better dealing with any anger that they experience.

It is important to let your child know that everyone gets angry, and that it is not the anger that gets them in trouble, but the behavior that they engage in when they are angry that gets them in trouble. In addition, your children should also understand that anger is cumulative and contagious. Cumulative is just a fancy way of saying it can build up. One thing happens to make your child angry, then another and another, followed by a seemingly small thing happening and your child explodes. Anger management techniques could be used to bring down the anger each time, resulting in no explosion. Contagious means that your child can catch anger from other people. Teaching them to stay away from people who when they are angry may help them to keep their cool more often.

Two anger management techniques that I like to teach children are: diaphragmatic breathing and counting to ten and back again. It is important that these be taught and modeled to your children in a very specific way. Do some research on how to properly do this type of breathing, if you don’t know how to do it already. With younger children I use the term balloon breathing to provide them with a better understanding about what their stomach should be doing. Older children may be more willing to learn this type of breathing if you let them know that it will assist them with playing sports or if they play some musical instruments. It is important when teaching your children to count to ten and back again that you stress with them that it is important to elongate the numbers as they are counting. If your child doesn’t want to count out loud, this technique works when doing it silently in your head as well.
Helping your child learn these few simple techniques may assist to keep them out of trouble in the present, but maybe more importantly throughout their lifetime.

Bullying-Anger Management Podcast

In the latest episode of Parent Sharing we move away from the direct bullying information and discuss anger management, and the ways that that may help in dealing with a bully. The information discussed in this podcast can be used in your everyday life, and not just in bully situations. Check it out on iTunes or in the player to the right. E-mail us at ParentSharing@aol.com

What You Can Teach Your Child to Do If They are a Bystander

The role of the bystander in a bullying situation is vital to the bully. They are the audience and they provide the attention that the bully is seeking. If the bystander does not provide that attention, the bullying may stop. I think this group is the easiest to effect change with since there usually is no emotionally commitment attached to the bullying situation on the part of the bystanders. Make sure that you point out to your child the significant role that the bystander plays and how they can make the situation better just by reacting in a different way.
I hope that the following phrases become common place to all children when they find themselves playing the role of the bystander in a bullying situation: Speak Up, Speak To, Speak Out.

Speak up suggests to the bystander that they go seek out the nearest trusted adult if they see someone being bullied. I believe that bystanders should always go find a trusted adult when physical bullying is involved because if they step in and try to stop it they may be walking into something that they cannot control. Consider this scenario. A child comes upon a child beating up another child. They assess that the bully is smaller than they are and chooses to intervene. What happens if the bully has a weapon or has a black belt in karate. Now there are two people getting hurt and no one going for help. When discussing this with children, they can come up with all kinds of scenarios of their own. The one that most frequently comes up is: what if we are in the middle of nowhere when this fight occurs? My suggestion then becomes to keep a distance from the situation and utilize a distracting technique like shouting out “Look, a pink polka dotted elephant”. I know this sounds like a bizarre idea but sometimes a distraction like that breaks the trend of thought that was angering the bully and stops the behavior.

Speak to has the bystander attending to the victim after the bully leaves. A few carefully chosen words from a bystander can make all the difference with how the victim ends up feeling about the situation. Imagine the power of having someone come over to you after you’ve been bullied and asking if you’re alright and making sure that you know that they didn’t believe what the bully was saying. I have seen a victim go from hysterically crying to a huge smile just because of the words of a bystander. Pretty powerful stuff.

Speak out suggests that the bystander address the bully with a statement like “we don’t do that here” or “cut it out”. Be carefully to instill in your child that this is not to become some kind of shouting match between them and the bully, just a statement of fact. In the bullying situation, it is common for a bystander to come to the defense of the victim by bullying the bully. This is not the intent of Speak out. Be sure your child understands the somewhat subtle difference between these two.
Every bully prevention conference that I have attended and all the books that I have read on this subject have one thing in common. They all believe that the bystander is the most significant player in effecting change to the bullying situation. Educating your children about what they can do as the bystander, may go a long way in making your child’s environment safer.

In Our Children's Eye's, Our Behavior Speaks Much Louder than Our Words

Your children will see what you're all about by what you live rather than what you say.
-Wayne Dyer

Your children may not always be listening to what you are saying but they are always watching what you are doing. This is especially true about teenagers. Make sure you are setting an example that you want them to follow.

A Special Thanks to All Soldiers, Veterans and their Families

On a day like today, when we honor all soldiers and veterans for the sacrifices that they have made to make this country so great, I also want to send out a special thank you to their parents, spouses and chidren for the sacrifices that they have made. Hope you enjoy both of these two videos, they really tugged on my heart strings. They contain lessons that we can all learn from. Hopefully, you'll share them with your children.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2kX_3y3u5Uo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KTb6qdPu8JE

A Bullying Quote

When a resolute young fellow steps up to the great bully, the world, and takes him boldly by the beard, he is often surprised to find it comes off in his hand, and that it was only tied on to scare away the timid adventurers.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Bullying: The Bully

If you are sitting there reading this because you have just come to the realization that your child is the bully, know that you are a very strong individual. Know that you are not alone in this realization and that many parents have had to face that reality over the years. When surveyed, over 30% of children surveyed reported that they had been the bully. Keep in mind that the figure is probably much higher. So when I stated that you are not alone, I wasn’t just trying to make you feel better.


In previous blogs, I indicated that there was not much that could be done to change a bully’s behavior. Much of my focus is on how to change the victim’s and the bystander’s behaviors which will in turn change the bully’s behavior. If I have not totally lost you yet with that explanation, here are some things that may assist you in helping your child.

There is good news, bullies typically are outstanding leaders. They have an uncanny ability to get people to do what they want. If you could redirect these leadership skills towards something more positive like community service, sports, or student government, this may all but eliminate the need that is filled by bullying.

Help them to develop empathy for others. Children, who can place themselves in the shoes of others and imagine what they would feel like if it were happening to them, are less likely to engage in bullying behaviors. This can be accomplished with dialogue about how a person in a television show may be feeling, or by modeling empathy for others in front of your children.

Often bullies choose bullying behaviors when they are angry. Help your child to develop anger management skills and they may not engage in bullying behaviors as often. I will be discussing anger management techniques in a separate posting because I feel that this topic deserves more attention than just a paragraph at the end of a blog posting.

I hope you realize that acknowledging that your child is a bully, is more than half the battle. Now is the time to do something help them to change their ways. With all the laws being passed to address bullying, if they don’t change their ways they may be facing serious consequences.

As always, contact us at ParentSharing@aol.com with anything you want to say, or "like" us on Facebook.  Our podcast on "The Bully" is now live on iTunes, and on the player to the right of this blog.  We'd also love your ideas on topics and guests for future interviews.