An Inspirational Book for Parents Everywhere

I just finished reading a book called The Christmas Box by Richard Paul Evans. I would recommend this book to all parents. The message of this book is about the importance of spending time with our children. Not missing out on those special events and moments that occur every day when our children are young. In addition, there is a second message for Christians reminding us about the very first Christmas gift that God gave to the world. It is a very quick, easy and inspirational read that I feel provides us with very important insight into what is truly important in our very busy lives.

Picking Out the Perfect Pet for Your Family

Picking out the perfect pet for your family can be very time consuming, and rarely ends with all family members agreeing on which pet to choose. Begin your research by considering whether any of your children are allergic to any animals, the age of the youngest child in your house, how much interaction that you want to have with the pet, the amount of time that you are going to be leaving the pet alone each day, the amount of room required to allow the pet to move around and the overall cost of the pet. Doing your research prior to looking may save a number of hardships down the road. There are many different types of pets and it takes time to come up with the pet that it is right for your family. Whether you choose a dog, a cat, a rodent, snake, rabbit or pig, there are some important things to consider prior to your purchase.
It is important to start with a clear understanding of why your family wants to get a pet. This will understanding will greatly assist you in picking out the right type of pet for your family. Do you want a pet that is independent and requires little contact or are you looking for an energetic companion with whom you can jog or play Frisbee? Pets that are more independent are: fish, turtles, rodents, and snakes. Dogs, rabbits, potbellied pigs and some cats require more attention.
Some types of pets will need you to provide constant supervision when younger children are playing with them. Young children tend to hug pets a little too hard or may try to feed them something that would be bad for the pet. Older children can help you with some of the chores associated with having a pet. My own experience is that this help lasts for maybe two or three weeks, and then the responsibility of the pet falls on your shoulders. Many times I chose to bypass the aggravation associated with trying to get one of the children to take care of our dog and I just did it myself. I think that the best investment that we ever made was to fence in the backyard and install a doggy door. This saves me a lot of time that I was spending walking the dog, but the chore of picking up the dog droppings is not all that pleasant either.
When you begin looking into the cost of the pet, don’t forget to include things like food, shots, vet bills, bowls, toys, cages/homes and who will care for the pet when you are vacationing.
The amount of time that the pet will be alone each day will greatly affect the number of choices that you have. Everyone at our house is gone from early in the morning until dinner time. We all knew that we wanted a dog, we are definitely dog people. Bringing a puppy into our household would spell disaster. Puppies require a lot of attention and training. They tend to chew and pee on everything when left unattended. We chose to rescue a full grown dog from the dog pound because often times they are already trained and are much more tolerant of being home alone.
It is also important to consider your home environment when choosing a pet. How much room is there for the pet to move around or to set up their home? How will your neighbors or your landlord feel about this new pet? This is a big one to consider if your dog turns out to be a barker.
I hope these suggestions help you in your quest to find the perfect pet for your family. I think having and caring for a pet, if it is the right pet, can teach your children many valuable lessons.

Update about the Importance of a Bike Helmet

Here is a story tailor-made for you if you are still on the fence about wearing a bike helmet. A young girl in Orlando fell off her bike right in front of a bus, and the back tire ran over the top of her head. Her helmet was broken into many pieces but she was home nursing just a few scrapes and scratches. Her father credits the helmet with the fact that he was not planning a funeral for his daughter this weekend.

A Quote from Mother Theresa on Giving and Doing

“It is not how much we do, but how much love we put in the doing.
It is not how much we give, but how much love we put in the giving.”
Mother Theresa

Helping Relatives Pick Out the Right Gift for Your Child

It’s that time of year again. People are picking gifts for your children and you are picking gifts for theirs. My children have been the recipients of some very noisy, obnoxious and hideous toys and clothes. I have felt compelled to share my opinion on gift buying, so that you can share it with those well meaning Grandparents and relatives before they go out shopping. Hopefully, it will prevent some after Christmas returns or hurt feelings.

• Ask the child’s parent what the child would like.
• Consider helping out the family by purchasing clothes or other essential items like diapers, formula or food for infants and toddlers. The toddler is not going to remember what you bought them but if you get the child these items, I am sure that the parents will remember your thoughtfulness.
• Be sure that the toys you are purchasing are age appropriate. Check the label as to what age the toy was meant for, that is what the labels are there for. Using a toy or game that is not age appropriate can cause a great deal of frustration for your child. Some suggestions for toys for children younger than a year are: soft squeeze toys, large stuffed animals and push-pull toys. Children age three to five might like receiving: simple puzzles, card games, and books. Children in elementary school are ready for bicycles, board games, books, puzzles and sports equipment.
• If purchasing a bike or riding toy, make sure that it is fitted to the size of the child. Nothing can be more upsetting to a child then to have a bike that they can’t ride because it is too big. I know that my son received a bike that was too big for him and after falling off of it several times, he had to put it away until he grew into it. The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission notes that most of the injuries in children resulted from falls from riding toys – not dangerous or defective products. I guess my son was lucky that he didn’t get a broken bone or a serious injury.
• Make sure that the toys or stuffed animals you are purchasing for young children do not have small parts that can break off as this can pose a choking threat.
• Make sure there are no toxic or dangerous materials used to make the toys. I think we can all still remember the recalled toys from China that were painted with lead-based paints.
• Make sure that the toy does not make an annoying sound. If you can’t stand the sound of the toy in the store for more than a minute, there is a reasonable chance that the parents of the child will not let them use it very often. My son received a very loud pull toy when he was a toddler and since my children were the oldest grandchildren on both sides, I got the inspired idea of passing all of those obnoxious toys that they had bought for my children down to their children. This practice really cut down on the number of obnoxious gifts that we received from them.

How to Fight Back When Your Child Gets the Gimmies

When all you hear from your children during the holidays are the phrases “I want…”, "I have to have" or “Is that all I'm getting”, it is time to take action and fight back against the gimmies. I think the most important gifts that we can give are children in this “Me” society are gratitude and generosity. It is best to start this from an early age because the “gimmies” is a hard habit to break. It is hard to break this habit in a teenager but not impossible. I tried to address this issue in my own children from two directions: volunteering with them to help others and building holiday traditions or experiences.
I began taking my children to help out with the Thanksgiving Dinner for the Homeless that the Salvation Army puts on every year. I started this when my children were nine and twelve. In addition, we volunteered at various Christmas stores for the needy. Check with the organization as to whether they need any help and their age requirements for helping before you go. There is nothing more disappointing than to get there and not be able to help out. These organizations are overrun with volunteers at this time of the year, and are often begging for helping throughout the rest of the year. Consider volunteering at other times of the year, the experience will probably be much more rewarding for your children. I also had my children pick a name from one of the giving trees in the stores at Christmas time. They used their own money, which they earned by doing chores for me, to purchase gifts for these children. They wrapped the gifts and sent them with a special note of holiday cheer. In addition, they began making donations to organizations that the people on their gift list supported instead of getting them a gift. Another thing that our family has committed to is raising money through garage sales, parties and events for charities that are closed to our heart. I think that choosing a charity that holds special meaning to your family really motivates all of you to go out there and do it. There are so many different ways to volunteer, I bet your family will come up with some great ideas that fit the talents and interests of all of you.

Consider giving your children the gift of experiences during the holidays. The gift of your time is what they really want. Some of my fondest memories from my own childhood are not the gifts that were under the tree, but the fun that we had as a family setting up the tree, baking cookies and driving around looking at the lights. I realized just yesterday how important these things are to children when my son (who is in his late twenties) asked me when we were going to drive around and look at the lights.
I think that the best way to fight the “gimmies” is to include your child in the giving process and to provide your child with holiday experiences. Hope that this helps you to have a more joyous, less gimmie-filled holiday season.

What You Should Teach Your Child to Do If They are Being Cyberbullied

Here are some things that you can encourage your child to do if they are the victims of Cyberbullying:
1) Tell the Cyberbully to stop in an assertive message

2) Tell your parents. It is important that you do not freak out when they come and tell you that they are victims of cyberbullying. Take a deep breath, understand that it is great that they felt comfortable enough to come to you looking for help. Most importantly do not take the computer away from them. If you take the computer away, they will probably not trust you in the future to help them with their problems. Problem solving together may stregnthen your relationship and assist your child in handling problems in the future.

3) Ignore the Cyberbully—Block or filter the communication with this person by removing them from your friend list and not opening up their messages.

Why Do People Do Things Online They Wouldn’t Do Other Places?

Why do people do things online they wouldn’t do other places? I think that there are some misguided beliefs that leave people feeling more comfortable to bully online much more viciously then they would anywhere else.
1)"You can't See Me, I Can’t See You". This suggest to me that the person doing the bullying believes that there is a level of anonimity when online. Help them to understand that the reality is that you are not anonymous when on the internet.
2) Can't see the other person's face-so bully develops no empathy for the victim. If I can't see that my words are hurting you, they must not be. Make sure that they understand that the hurt is still occuring whether they can see it or not.
3) "What happens online is just a game". Help your child to understand that what happens online IS real. Although there are games on the internet, not everything online can be considered a game.
4) “Everybody does it”. Help them to understand that not everyone does it and that there are consequences for these types of behavior.
Talking to your children. Disputing these misguided ideas may save your child some headaches down the road.

What is Cyberbullying?

Cyberbullying is using the internet, e-mail, instant messaging, text messaging, digital images, web pages, blogs or chat rooms to send mean, obscene or threatening messages or images. With the increased use of technology at all ages levels, this type of bullying is growing faster than any other type. Here are some things that you, as a parent, need to know about cyberbullying. Most incidences of Cyberbullying do not occur at school. This should be a wake up call for all parents; for the most part this type of bullying occurs when your child is at home or at their friends' houses. There are a lot of different types of activities that are considered cyberbullying: Flaming is Online “fights”; Harassment is repeatedly sending offensive, and rude messages (this may include pictures); cyberstalking is repeatedly sending messages that include threats of harm or make a person afraid for their safety(i.e. my bff is going to beat you up in the parking lot); Denigration is “dissing” someone on line by posting cruel gossip or rumors; Impersonation occurs when someone breaks into another person's personal on-line account and sends messages to get that person in trouble; Outing and Trickery is sharing someone’s secrets online, or tricking them into sharing this information.
It is important, as a parent, to arm your child with information about Cyberbullying and the consequences that may result from engaging in these behaviors.
Future blogs will contain information about why so many children and adults are engaging in this type of bullying and what you can teach your children to do if they are a victim of cyberbullying.

Cybersafety: What to Teach Your Children about Cyberpredators

It is important to instill in your children the idea that they do not necessarily “know” the person that they may have been chatting to or playing games on line. Cyberpredators often present themselves as young children on line in order to gain information about children. Instill in your children that cyberpredators can be great POSERS. Making your children aware of the “grooming process” that cyberpredators use may go a long way towards protecting them. An instant message of “ASL” (which is asking for age, sex and location) could be the beginning of that grooming process.
Talk to your children about ways that they can stay safe on the internet. They should not give anyone personal information or post pictures. Seemingly harmless pictures can provide predators with clues as to your child’s location. One girl posted a picture of her playing soccer for her eighth grade team. Using the colors and number on the uniform, and the town she was from, he was able to track her down. Encourage your children not to fill out profile information, to delete email from senders they don’t know and never give anyone their password. Assist them in developing their screen names and e-mail addresses so that they do not provide predators with hints to their identity. Examples of some screen names to steer your children away from are: Mary_Smith, SweetGirl12, or Jennifer_luvs_HagertyHS. If someone is bothering your child on the internet, teach your child how to change their screen name or block that person. A good policy to have is to only let friends that they know join their Buddy List. Make sure that they check with their friend before adding friends of a friend to their list, as the friend may not know this person.
Most important of all, teach them never to meet anyone face to face that they only know from the internet. I understand that this is not a popular stance to take and you may run the risk of having your child sneak out and go anyway. Use your best judgment when deciding whether to let them go, you know your child best. Never let them go alone. Go with them and make sure that prior to the meeting that the chat buddy knows that you are going to be there. If this is a predator, they probably will not show if they know you are going to be there.
In today’s society, the internet plays a vital role in our children’s lives. In order to keep them safe in cyberspace, it is important that we provide them with the necessary tools and education about the dangers of the internet.

Some Specific Suggestions to Keep your Child Safe in Cyber Space

It is important to set ground rules for computer use with your children to keep them safe when they’re on the internet, but be aware that you are bound to meet some resistance from them when doing this. Children view the internet as their playground and don’t want parents interfering with their fun. Parenting is not about being popular with your children, so stand firm about your ground rules for computer use. Some suggested ground rules: your child’s computer use should take place in a central location, not behind closed doors; set time limits; set limits to the sites that your child is allowed to visit as many are not age appropriate for young children; educate them about the dangers facing them on the internet including predators, and cyberbullying.
Keeping track of the sites that your children have been visiting may provide you with some peace of mind. This was an easy task to complete by going to the computer history but now many children are computer savvy enough to know how to go in and erase the history. Have no fear, the computer programmers have come to the rescue of parents everywhere. There are several types of software that can be purchase that will assist you in knowing where your children have been surfing and prevents them from altering it. In addition to this software there are parental controls on your computer that will prevent your children from going to sites that you don’t want them on. These controls are password sensitive so as long as you don’t make these passwords too obvious your children should not be able to override them.
Adults view pop ups and inappropriate material as an annoyance, children are curious about what they are. It is important to teach them not to click on pop ups because pop ups can download spyware, viruses or can link them to an inappropriate site. Many of the pop ups lure children in by suggesting that they have won something or will get something for free. It is important that you teach them nothing is ever free so that they will not be tempted to click on it. There are pop up blockers that you can install on your computer to help with this problem.
Today, it is necessary for children to do research on the internet. Be aware that these harmless searches can sometimes yield unexpected results. Here are some examples: when researching about the white house, one site that comes up is whitehouse.org which is a pornography site; when searching for information about Martin Luther King, a site that is suggested is martinlutherking.org which is a hate site. There are some search engines on the internet that are more kid friendly then BING or Google. One search engine that I would suggest is www.kidsclick.org. In addition, teach your children about how to find reputable sites when doing research.
Educate yourself on the terminology that children use when texting and instant messaging. We all know that LOL is laugh out loud and BRB is be right back, but did you know that p911 means parent alert or that PAL means that parents are listening. The list of these acronyms is extensive, become “Cyberspeak” savvy so you know what your children are saying.
My last piece of advice about keeping your children safe on the internet would be to educate yourself about all the things that are available. Get your own accounts on My Space, Facebook, Blogs and Tweeter, and learn how to use sites like I-Tunes, and E-Bay because that is what your children are doing. If you allow your children to access these sites, you might consider setting up the accounts for them so they need you to type in the password to gain access. This lets them know that you are monitoring everything that they are doing on the internet.
My next blog on this topic will be about keeping your children safe from “Cyberpredators”. It has become the latest way for pedophiles to find their next victim.

Bullying-Anger Management

Anger plays a large role in much of the bullying and violence that it is found in schools today. I believe that anger and jealousy is at the heart of much of what the bully is engaging in, and also the victim’s response after repeatedly being bullied. Teaching a few important facts about anger and several anger management skills will assist your child in better dealing with any anger that they experience.

It is important to let your child know that everyone gets angry, and that it is not the anger that gets them in trouble, but the behavior that they engage in when they are angry that gets them in trouble. In addition, your children should also understand that anger is cumulative and contagious. Cumulative is just a fancy way of saying it can build up. One thing happens to make your child angry, then another and another, followed by a seemingly small thing happening and your child explodes. Anger management techniques could be used to bring down the anger each time, resulting in no explosion. Contagious means that your child can catch anger from other people. Teaching them to stay away from people who when they are angry may help them to keep their cool more often.

Two anger management techniques that I like to teach children are: diaphragmatic breathing and counting to ten and back again. It is important that these be taught and modeled to your children in a very specific way. Do some research on how to properly do this type of breathing, if you don’t know how to do it already. With younger children I use the term balloon breathing to provide them with a better understanding about what their stomach should be doing. Older children may be more willing to learn this type of breathing if you let them know that it will assist them with playing sports or if they play some musical instruments. It is important when teaching your children to count to ten and back again that you stress with them that it is important to elongate the numbers as they are counting. If your child doesn’t want to count out loud, this technique works when doing it silently in your head as well.
Helping your child learn these few simple techniques may assist to keep them out of trouble in the present, but maybe more importantly throughout their lifetime.

Bullying-Anger Management Podcast

In the latest episode of Parent Sharing we move away from the direct bullying information and discuss anger management, and the ways that that may help in dealing with a bully. The information discussed in this podcast can be used in your everyday life, and not just in bully situations. Check it out on iTunes or in the player to the right. E-mail us at ParentSharing@aol.com

A Few Thoughts on Giving Thanks and Giving Back

It is easy to find ourselves, and our children, all tied up in the busyness of the holiday season forgetting the true importance of this time. Try to remember to include some time to give thanks for the many things that you have. Before sharing our Thanksgiving meal, it is our tradition to go around the table stating what things each of us is thankful for. In these troubled financial times, I know it is sometimes hard for children and adults to find things to be thankful for but remembering friends, family, and shared memories may be a good place to start. Make the effort to share the things that you are thankful for with your children. Listen carefully to what they are thankful for, sometimes great wisdom comes out of the mouths of babes.

As our children approached the "tween" years and started to really develop the "gimmies" during the holiday season, we began participating in activities that had us all giving back to our community. Some of the activities that we have participated in over the years include: helping feed the homeless on Thanksgiving, being a shopping assistant at a church or Salvation Army Christmas store, raising money for a good cause, and collecting food for the food bank. The list of ways to give back is endless, and the rewards of doing this as a family are great.

Many times children ask what difference can one person make. I suggest replying to this by giving examples of individuals who single handedly changed the world like Rosa Parks, Mother Theresa or the boy in my community who collects enough food each year to feed 500 families. A movie that my family loves to watch that really brings the point home that one person can make a difference is Pay It Forward. Be aware that there is some pretty heavy content in this movie, so it is not meant for young children, but it is well worth a watch for the inspirational message that it gives all of us.

The Rules of the Road When It Comes to Biking

Here are some must-know bike safety tips to teach your children. I have compiled these tips from several reliable sources on the internet.
1) Always ride with a helmet. Statistics and experiences of people I know support the incredible importance of this rule for children and adults.

2) Stop at all stop signs and obey traffic lights just as cars do. Yield to pedestrians, stop at red lights, and be especially careful at intersections.

3) Always ride in the same direction as cars do. Never ride against traffic. When walking or running, it is just the opposite, you should walk and run against traffic.

4) Try to use bike lanes or designated bike routes whenever you can — not the sidewalk! Everything that I read indicated that it was alright for younger children to ride on the sidewalk if a bike trail is not available.

5) Never ride at dusk or in the dark. If you need to ride at this time, be sure to wear reflective gear and also be sure your bike is also outfitted with reflective material, or lights are even better.

6) Always stop and check for traffic in both directions when leaving a driveway, an alley, a curb or railroad tracks. Be careful when going across the tracks, as several of my own family members have gone down when crossing these.

7) Watch traffic closely for turning cars or cars leaving driveways, or pulling out of parking spaces.

8) Don't ride too close to parked cars — doors can open suddenly.

9) Always walk a bike across busy intersections using the crosswalk and following traffic signals. Often people riding in hilly areas don’t like to follow this one because they want to get a running start at a hill. Better to have to work a little harder at making it up that hill than finding yourself nursing a serious injury.

10) When riding in a group, always ride single file on the street. This is one that we have all broken at one time or another. It is very important to follow this one on a busy road.

11) When passing other bikers or people on the street, always pass to their left and call out "On your left!" so they'll watch for you. My family also yells out when there is a car passing.

12) Never share the seat with a friend or ride on the handlebars — only one person should be on a bike at a time. It's easy to lose balance or suddenly swerve into traffic when riding with a passenger. I still have a chip out of my tooth and a scar on both knees to help remind me of the importance of this rule.

13) Never wear headphones while biking — it's essential to hear everyone else on the road at all times. I know that it is tempting to put on the iPod and tune out the rest of the world, my family have all purchased a small case that attaches to their bike. It holds their iPod and has speakers.
14) Never hitch a ride on a moving vehicle.

15) Never change directions or lanes without first looking behind you, and always use the correct hand signals. This is one that I am working on because I find it difficult to let go of my handlebars with one hand for very long. I have to believe that with practice I will get better at signaling.
Use your left arm for all hand signals:
Left turn: After checking behind you, hold your arm straight out to
the left and ride forward slowly.
Stop: After checking behind you, bend your elbow, pointing your
arm downward in an upside down "L" shape and come to a stop.
Right turn: After checking behind you, bend your elbow, holding
your arm up in an "L" shape, and ride forward slowly.

Keep in mind that it is important for you to model these rules for your children when you are riding your bike. Even if they don't always listen to you,they are always watching you.

Keeping your Child Safe in Cyberspace

Before beginning on a series of blog postings that are going to suggest all the dangerous that face our children out there on the internet, I think it is important to make one point very clear: the internet is a wonderful information rich world that our children will need to be using in all facets of their life. I am not suggesting that you give in to your fear of the dangers of the internet and ban them from using it, just that you empower your children and yourselves by learning all you can about internet safety.
There are a multitude of reasons that children use the internet. This list of reasons is in no way complete, but I do believe that it gives us, as parents, a sense of what an important role the internet plays in our children's lives. Our children use the internet to research information for school projects, prepare for standardized tests using on-line preparation programs, visit educational websites, play games, e-mail, instant message, social network, chat, surf for information about things that interest them, shop, sell things, post videos, and blog. Since the internet is becoming so vital to the way our world works, it is becoming more important every day that we arm ourselves and our children on how to keep save out in cyberspace.
A few websites that I recommend that you visit are: www.isafe.org, www.netsmartz.org, and www.stobullyingnow.hrsa.org. I-safe is a website for parents and I recommend that you view the I-learn modules. I will warn you that some of the videos that were created are frightening. I think that occasionally it takes getting frightened to prompt us to act. After viewing them, you may want to share a few of the videos with your children as well. I have shown these videos to children ages 9 and above. The other two sites have information and activities for you and your children. The children that I know who have gone to these sites have really enjoyed them. I think the best way to learn something is if you have fun doing it.

Great Bully Prevention Website

I have found the following website to be very informative and user friendly for both adults and children alike. This website includes advice on bullying for parents, information about cybersafety and activities for children of all ages. The website is: stopbullyingnow.hrsa.org.

Bike Safety: Why Now?

It may seem a strange time of the year to be discussing bike safety, but I am compelled to do it now for two reasons: where I live it has finally cooled down enough that this is the perfect time for biking, and many children receive bikes on Christmas morning.
When we were out biking as a family this weekend, I realized that I did not know the rules with regard to biking. Fortunately for me, the rest of my family is very familiar with the hand signals, and traffic rules for biking. They have been participating for several years now in a bike ride for Crohn’s and Colitis called Get Your Guts In Gear. This is a three day, 210 mile bike ride. I will be talking about this more in future posts because it is a very important event and community to my family since my son has Crohn’s disease, but I mention it now just to let you know why they are so familiar with the rules of biking and I’m not. I am a member of the crew for this ride. Upon returning from the family bike ride, I decided to do some research about the rules of biking. Future posts will outline what I have learned. I am also hoping that educating myself will help me become more relaxed when riding. I just started riding again last year, after not being on a bike for many years, and I took several spills at that time. Hand signaling, shifting and watching traffic has me very apprehensive, but I find bike riding a fun, family activity and want to get more comfortable at doing it. I don’t want to be left behind anymore while my family is training for the 210 mile ride. Let’s learn together.

Some Things to Consider When Picking Out a Bike Helmet

Having already covered the importance of wearing a bike helmet, here are a few tips to keep in mind when picking the right helmet for you and your child.
1) Make sure that the helmet has a CPSC or Snell sticker inside. These indicate that the helmet meets standards set by the Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) or the Snell Memorial Foundation, a nonprofit group that tests helmet safety.
2) Make sure your child’s helmet fits correctly and can be adjusted. A bike helmet fits well if it: sits level on the head, isn’t tilted forward or backward; has strong, wide straps that fasten snugly under the chin; is fastened tight enough that no sudden pulling or twisting could move it around. You should be able to get help with the proper fit and adjustments at any bike store.
3) Helmet should be well ventilated
4) Pick bright colored helmet in order to make your child more visible to cars
5) Make sure that they have fastened the chin strap tight enough and that they are not wearing a hat underneath the helmet
6) Helmet should be replaced if your child has hit a hard surface when wearing it, it loses it capacity to absorb shock
7) Helmets should not be worn at the playground or when climbing because the strap could get caught on something and result in choking
8) This may be the most important tip of all. Having your child help you pick out the helmet may make them more inclined to wear it.

A Few Statistics about the Importance of Using a Bike Helmet

If you want your child to wear a bike helmet, you need to wear a bike helmet!

The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety reports that just under two percent of motor vehicle crash deaths are bicyclists. Ninety-one percent of bicyclists killed in 2008 reportedly weren't wearing helmets. The most serious injuries among a majority of those killed were to the head, highlighting the importance of wearing a bicycle helmet. Helmet use has been estimated to reduce head injury risk by 85 percent. Twenty-one states and the District of Columbia have helmet laws applying to young bicyclists; none of these laws applies to all riders. Whether your state has a law that applies to you and your child, you should always make sure that you both wear a helmet every time you’re riding. It may just save a life.

Words to reflect on

"Don't worry that children never listen to you, worry that they are always watching you."
- Robert Fulgham

Do as I say not as I do doesn't really work in today's society. I don't think it ever did work. Children are much more likely to do as you do and ignore what you say. So be sure that you are modeling the behavior that you want them to have.

What You Can Teach Your Child to Do If They are a Bystander

The role of the bystander in a bullying situation is vital to the bully. They are the audience and they provide the attention that the bully is seeking. If the bystander does not provide that attention, the bullying may stop. I think this group is the easiest to effect change with since there usually is no emotionally commitment attached to the bullying situation on the part of the bystanders. Make sure that you point out to your child the significant role that the bystander plays and how they can make the situation better just by reacting in a different way.
I hope that the following phrases become common place to all children when they find themselves playing the role of the bystander in a bullying situation: Speak Up, Speak To, Speak Out.

Speak up suggests to the bystander that they go seek out the nearest trusted adult if they see someone being bullied. I believe that bystanders should always go find a trusted adult when physical bullying is involved because if they step in and try to stop it they may be walking into something that they cannot control. Consider this scenario. A child comes upon a child beating up another child. They assess that the bully is smaller than they are and chooses to intervene. What happens if the bully has a weapon or has a black belt in karate. Now there are two people getting hurt and no one going for help. When discussing this with children, they can come up with all kinds of scenarios of their own. The one that most frequently comes up is: what if we are in the middle of nowhere when this fight occurs? My suggestion then becomes to keep a distance from the situation and utilize a distracting technique like shouting out “Look, a pink polka dotted elephant”. I know this sounds like a bizarre idea but sometimes a distraction like that breaks the trend of thought that was angering the bully and stops the behavior.

Speak to has the bystander attending to the victim after the bully leaves. A few carefully chosen words from a bystander can make all the difference with how the victim ends up feeling about the situation. Imagine the power of having someone come over to you after you’ve been bullied and asking if you’re alright and making sure that you know that they didn’t believe what the bully was saying. I have seen a victim go from hysterically crying to a huge smile just because of the words of a bystander. Pretty powerful stuff.

Speak out suggests that the bystander address the bully with a statement like “we don’t do that here” or “cut it out”. Be carefully to instill in your child that this is not to become some kind of shouting match between them and the bully, just a statement of fact. In the bullying situation, it is common for a bystander to come to the defense of the victim by bullying the bully. This is not the intent of Speak out. Be sure your child understands the somewhat subtle difference between these two.
Every bully prevention conference that I have attended and all the books that I have read on this subject have one thing in common. They all believe that the bystander is the most significant player in effecting change to the bullying situation. Educating your children about what they can do as the bystander, may go a long way in making your child’s environment safer.

In Our Children's Eye's, Our Behavior Speaks Much Louder than Our Words

Your children will see what you're all about by what you live rather than what you say.
-Wayne Dyer

Your children may not always be listening to what you are saying but they are always watching what you are doing. This is especially true about teenagers. Make sure you are setting an example that you want them to follow.

A Special Thanks to All Soldiers, Veterans and their Families

On a day like today, when we honor all soldiers and veterans for the sacrifices that they have made to make this country so great, I also want to send out a special thank you to their parents, spouses and chidren for the sacrifices that they have made. Hope you enjoy both of these two videos, they really tugged on my heart strings. They contain lessons that we can all learn from. Hopefully, you'll share them with your children.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2kX_3y3u5Uo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KTb6qdPu8JE

A Bullying Quote

When a resolute young fellow steps up to the great bully, the world, and takes him boldly by the beard, he is often surprised to find it comes off in his hand, and that it was only tied on to scare away the timid adventurers.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Bullying: The Bully

If you are sitting there reading this because you have just come to the realization that your child is the bully, know that you are a very strong individual. Know that you are not alone in this realization and that many parents have had to face that reality over the years. When surveyed, over 30% of children surveyed reported that they had been the bully. Keep in mind that the figure is probably much higher. So when I stated that you are not alone, I wasn’t just trying to make you feel better.


In previous blogs, I indicated that there was not much that could be done to change a bully’s behavior. Much of my focus is on how to change the victim’s and the bystander’s behaviors which will in turn change the bully’s behavior. If I have not totally lost you yet with that explanation, here are some things that may assist you in helping your child.

There is good news, bullies typically are outstanding leaders. They have an uncanny ability to get people to do what they want. If you could redirect these leadership skills towards something more positive like community service, sports, or student government, this may all but eliminate the need that is filled by bullying.

Help them to develop empathy for others. Children, who can place themselves in the shoes of others and imagine what they would feel like if it were happening to them, are less likely to engage in bullying behaviors. This can be accomplished with dialogue about how a person in a television show may be feeling, or by modeling empathy for others in front of your children.

Often bullies choose bullying behaviors when they are angry. Help your child to develop anger management skills and they may not engage in bullying behaviors as often. I will be discussing anger management techniques in a separate posting because I feel that this topic deserves more attention than just a paragraph at the end of a blog posting.

I hope you realize that acknowledging that your child is a bully, is more than half the battle. Now is the time to do something help them to change their ways. With all the laws being passed to address bullying, if they don’t change their ways they may be facing serious consequences.

As always, contact us at ParentSharing@aol.com with anything you want to say, or "like" us on Facebook.  Our podcast on "The Bully" is now live on iTunes, and on the player to the right of this blog.  We'd also love your ideas on topics and guests for future interviews.

New Podcast-Bullying: The Bully

Our latest podcast is live.  Check it out on the player to the right, or download it from iTunes.  You can e-mail us at ParentSharing@aol.com or check out "Parent Sharing" on Facebook and iTunes.

Bullying: The Victim (Part Two)

Earlier I stated that ignoring does not seem to work for most victims, but I am going to suggest that ignoring “with an attitude” is a very effective technique. It is all about the attitude, what your child is feeling and thinking inside their head that counts. We can help them make an attitude adjustment from taking what the bully is saying to heart to knowing that the bully does not know who they are. I often ask children, “who knows you best?” and I receive a variety of answers: Parents, best friends, teacher. Rarely do I get the correct answer. There are things about us that no one else knows but us. An understanding that the child knows themselves better than the bully knows them can help when trying to ignore what a bully is saying about them.


The difficulty comes in when there is an amount of truth to what the bully is saying. When I was young, people often made fun of how short I was. Since I currently am five foot two and I was the third shortest student in my class of almost eight hundred students, I am short. Developing a strong sense of self helped me realize that although I was short that was and is not all that I am. It does not define me, it is a tiny truth about me. If you can assist your child in reframing those things that they don’t like about themselves, it will take the power that the bully has over your child away. Help them to understand the little catch that they get in their chest when someone picks on them about something that they see as a shortcoming will probably not completely go away, but reframing it will limit the effect that the bully will have on them. Two additional things to consider when working with your children to learn to ignore a bully, no eye contact and be sure that they check their body language. The no eye contact is pretty obvious, however often times children’s body language tells the bully that they are paying attention to what is being said and the bully is getting to them. Assist your child in understanding that focusing on keeping their body relaxed will send the message to the bully that they are not listening.

Another technique to consider may be to encourage your child to use their words to let the bully know that they are hurting them. This may seem contradictory to what I previously said, but there are times that the bully doesn’t realize that they are doing anything wrong. This is most often true with younger children, and may only make the situation worse with an older bully. Do not push your child into confronting the bully. If they want to confront the bully, you may suggest that having a friend present may make the interaction go more smoothly.

Working with your child in advance on some witty comebacks to say when a bully picks on them may be helpful as well. Start by working with them to develop witty comebacks for those areas that they are prime targets to get picked on for. Suggest that they practice with you, and also practice in the mirror until they get the desired response prior to using them with the bully.

There is not one right way to help your child deal with bullying. Hopefully we’ve provided at least a starting point. As always you can contact us at ParentSharing@aol.com or through our blog with questions or for more information.

Bullying: The Victim (Part One)

A study recently reported that 60% of all children interviewed admitted that they had been bullied at one time or another. I think that the actual number is much closer to 100% than that (like probably 100%). In today’s society, when victims are lashing back with unspeakable acts of violence or suicide after years of being bullied, it is imperative that we teach our children a different way to deal with being bullied. Ignoring and pushing down the feelings isn’t working, it just allows the anger to build inside the victim until they can’t take it anymore. Teaching your child some methods of dealing with bullies and practicing these techniques with them through role play, may save lives. Help your child learn to be part of the solution, instead of part of the problem. All of these techniques will not be effective for your child, which is why the practice is so important. Help them find what works for them.


First and foremost, be sure that your child understands where the bully is coming from and what the bully is trying to achieve. It is important to help your child understand that one of the reasons bullies often lash out is because of their own insecurities. They may feel that by lowering others, they elevate themselves. Bullies often pick on things in others that they don’t like in themselves. Understanding where a bully is coming from may go a long way in eliminating the power that a bully has over your child. More on that in our blog about the bully.

Talking to a trusted adult or close friend may be helpful to your child. Letting them know that they can come to you about anything. Sometimes they just need a place to vent, and we as parents have a difficult time staying passive when our baby is telling us that someone is hurting them. They are not always looking for you to be their knight in shining armor; sometimes they are just in need of a sounding board. Knowing when you should just listen and when you need to take action may be difficult. Often direct intervention on your part may make the situation worse; your child may be seen as “a tattle tale” or something worse. Stop and think about what intervening will accomplish and whether this will make the situation better or worse. We are not telling you when to take action, that’s up to your judgment. Simply consider the ramifications for your child when you consider your options.

I believe that an empowered child is a happier child. Giving them ways to address a bullying situation may change their feelings about the situation from helplessness to empowerment. Anger management also offers tools which may help your child deal with bullying. We will discuss that in a future blog. In our next blog we will talk about helping your child prepare for direct contact with the bully.

Contact us through the blog, on Facebook, or at ParentSharing@aol.com for more information, or with specific comments, concerns or questions.

Bullying (an Introduction)

Today, bullying seems to be a very hot topic, even though it has probably been around since the time of the cavemen. Many states are passing laws to protect the victims and many news programs and newspapers are talking about bullying statistics. I believe the focus on this topic needs to change to one that is more proactive. Since many of the school shootings and violent acts are being committed by the victims, and not the bully, we need to take a different approach when talking to our children about being bullied. I believe the way to stopping this increase in violence is by educating our children on a better way to handle bullying. I will be addressing what you can teach your children to do differently as the bully, the bystander and the victim in separate postings. First, I think it is important to give our children a clear understanding of what bullying is and what it isn’t. Below is the widely accepted definition of bullying. I believe that many of these terms need to be defined for our children. I will define several of the terms in this definition and I suggest that you sit down with your children and do the same.


Bullying involves repeated acts of direct or indirect physical, verbal, or nonverbal behaviors that may include intentional hurting and an imbalance of power

Repeated acts mean that in order for there to be bullying, the behavior needs to be done over and over again

Direct bullying occurs when the bullying of the victim is done by the bullies themselves.

Indirect bullying occurs when the bully talks someone else into doing the bullying for them.

Physical bullying is the type of bullying we are most familiar with. This includes: hitting, kicking, shoving, spitting, and tripping.

Verbal bullying behaviors include: taunting, teasing, name calling, spreading rumors and threatening.

Non-verbal behaviors include – threatening or obscene gestures, deliberate exclusion from a group or activity, isolating, shunning, and cyberbullying.

Intentional hurting means that the bully intended the behavior to hurt the victim either physically or emotionally.

Imbalance of Power indicates that the bully is more “powerful” than the victim. This does not always mean bigger in stature, although that is the picture that comes to many of our minds when we think of a bully. This imbalance can also occur if the bully is perceived to be smarter than the victim, more athletic, or more popular.

In addition to giving your child a clear understanding of what constitutes bullying and what is just “messing around”, it is also important that your child understand the roles that each participant in a bullying situation plays in order for them to better handle these situations when they occur. There are three types of participants in the bullying situation: the bully, the victim and the bystander. Although it is the bully’s behavior that needs to be changed, the best way of effecting that change is by changing the behavior of the victim and the bystanders. This may seem strange to say, but as long as the bully is getting what they want from the situation, attention or control, they will continue to bully. If the victim and/or the bystanders do not have the desired response, the bully will stop bullying.

Future postings will specifically address what you can teach your children to do when they find themselves playing the role of the bully, the victim, or the bystander. Although, it is important to understand what is bullying and what is not bullying, it is a hundred times more important to help your child understand what to do in these situations that they will find themselves in.

Don't Under-estimate the Influence that You Have on your Children

Your children are watching you.  Observing how you handle tough situations, taking their cues from you.  Try hard to model the behavior that you want them to have.  "Do as I say, not as I do" does not work in today's society.  I don't think it ever did.

Bullying-The Victim

Our latest podcast has been uploaded.  It is the second in our series on bullying.  Be sure to check them both out on the right hand side of the page, or download them on iTunes.  We will have blog postings on Bullying coming shortly.

If you have any feedback, questions, comments, concerns, or show idea (including if you are interested in being a guest of the show) please contact us at ParentSharing@aol.com, at "Parent Sharing" on Facebook, or by commenting on this blog.

How Peers Influence our Children

There comes a time in every parent's life that they are no longer the center of their child's world.  Chiildren begin listening to what their peers are telling them and not what you are saying.  Being involved early on in helping your children with picking out friends can save you a lot of headaches when this time arrives.  In addition, I suggest that you meet your children's friends and if possible their parents.  This may give you some presence in your child's life at a time when they are doing everything they can to rebel against your beliefs and rules. 

Hope this gives you some peace of mind, the teen years will end and it does get a little better as they approach the driving years and you have control over the keys to the car.

Television and Movies Influence our Children

Often times we as parents are so busy that we will use t.v. or movies as a way of occupying our children.  I know that I did this many times when my children were young, just to keep them out of my hair when I had to get things done.  Today, we feel safe with the rating system and television stations that are promoted as "Kid Friendly" or the "Family Channel" that our children are watching age appropriate movies and shows.  In the past few months, I have seen several examples in the news that rattles my belief that these systems that are in place provide enough of a filter for our children.  I believe we need to monitor what are children are watching more closely when movies like "Fred the Movie" air on a kid friendly station.  This movie was about a teenage boy who appeared to be stalking a young girl that he liked.  In addition, he used many terms so close to swear words that we had to put on closed caption to make sure that they weren't swearing.  Also, the Katy Perry appearance that was scheduled to air on Sesame Street and was pulled because of parents' outcries. 

Having said this, I also feel it is important to not shelter our chldren too much from the things that go on in the real world because they will not be prepared to deal with them when they come up in their lives.  Difficult balance to find.  I believe that viewing these shows with your children may provide that balance.  Allowing you the opportunity to open those lines of communication on the tough issues.  You get to hear what they are thinking and they get to hear your views.

Influence of Music on our Children

Music and its lyrics can have a profound influence on our children.  I have heard songs on the radio that promote violent behavior against women, killing, rape and bad language. I am not sure that anyone should be listening to that type of music, let alone our children.   Fortunately, cds now carry a rating sysem which assist parents in determining whether the music is age appropriate for your children.  I realize that this rating system is only a guide for parents, and you need to exercise your own judgement when choosing to allow your children to listen to music. 

Responsibility

If you want your child to except responsibility for their actions and mistakes, accept responsibilityfor yours (especially difficult to do if you have to admit you made a mistake with them).

A Little Tip on Setting the Right Example

If you want your kid to wear a helmet while riding a bike, wear a helmet.  If you want your kid not to smoke, don't smoke.

And Dad's if you want your kids only to pee inside the toilet bowl...

(If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie wipe the seatie)

Potty Training: Sorting the Good Advice from the Downright Bizarre

Few things frighten parents more than the task of potty training. Everyone in your life is offering advice about how to go about doing this task, even those who have never actually done it before. Trying to sort through all of this advice, can turn into a daunting task. Rule out the advice that seems too bizarre to believe and try to come up with a plan of action before you begin. At this time I am going to add my two cents to all the advice that you are collecting. I have been involved in potty training seven children: two of my own and five in the school system, so at least I have some experience to draw on.


The first thing that I hope you are considering before undertaking this task, is that your child has begun to show signs that they are ready to be trained. If they are noticing that their diaper is wet and are hiding behind chairs when they are having a bowel movement, they are showing signs of an awareness of these body functions. If they aren’t. I would like you to consider that they are not ready yet. Rushing them into something that they are not ready for will cause them to become frustrated and just give you headaches. I would like to suggest that if your neighbor who is telling you that their child was potty trained by twelve months, that it wasn’t so much that the child was trained but the parent who was trained. In this instance maybe it is not so great to be keeping up with the Joneses.

Some thoughts about potty chairs that stand alone versus potty seats that attach to the toilet. Potty chairs are the right height for little ones to go on their own and many play music or have some built in reinforcer, however they need to be cleaned out. Potty seats do not need to be cleaned since they connect right to the toilet, and prepares child for an easy transition to the toilet itself, however it sit’s a little high for little ones to get on alone.

Whether you choose a method that trains in one day which has you taking your child to the bathroom every half hour to hour in order to catch them ready to go, or whether you choose a method that has your child letting you know when they want to use the toilet, I believe that positive reinforcers are key to making any training much easier. Reinforcers should be something only offered for going to the bathroom, be something that your child really wants and provides immediate gratification. Some possible reinforcers: food, candy, or stickers.

Boys present some additional challenges when training them. They may want to stand like daddy does and often even older boys have trouble hitting the mark. When training my own son, I encouraged him to sit backwards on the toilet by telling him it was like riding a horse. This way it was an easy transition to standing when the time and his height were right. Learn from my experience, be sure to teach your son to point his penis down, unless you are hoping to shower the bathroom with pee. This seems to be a problem for boys no matter what their age. A friend of mine who had a household filled with males, addressed this issue by painting a bull’s eye inside her toilet when she got tired of having to clean up around the toilet. Another friend dropped cheerios in her toilet to help with her son’s aim. I am not so sure about using food in the toilet for young children, as they may reach down and try to eat them.

No matter how you choose to train your child, making sure they’re ready will help eliminate frustration, but there will be setbacks and accidents. Don’t shame or yell at your child over accidents, it will only make things worse. Good luck!

Afterschool Activities

When considering activities for your child, it is important consider that we all want to raise balanced children. In order to raise a balanced child, they need to have lived a balanced life. My recommendation is to limit your child’s after school activities to no more than two or three days a week. I believe that this will leave your child enough time to just be a kid, while they are still a kid and can enjoy that. Children learn many of their life lessons through their play, so it is imperative that you give them time to play. In addition to these valuable lessons, there will be many opportunities to have teachable moments with your child about winning and losing, and success and failures. What better way to prepare them for what lies ahead of them in the "real" world.


If your child is extremely talented at a sport and you think that they are headed to the Olympics or to a professional career, that may require a much larger commitment. Be sure that your expectation of athletic greatness is based in reality, before making this kind of commitment with your child. It will be a commitment for both of you and statistically this level of athlete comes along very infrequently.

After school activities are extremely important for your child to participate in. It teaches practical lessons in areas that talking to your children alone can not begin to teach. It helps them to develop a sense of good sportsmanship, builds confidence, teaches responsibility and teamwork, all for the price of one or two nights a week. Finding the right activity or activities for your child may take some time, and I know it did with my own children. Each tried soccer, t-ball, scouts, gymnastics before they both settled on karate. We insisted that they stuck with an activity for an entire season, for two reasons. First, we wanted them to make sure whether this was the right activity for them and that takes more than one or two days to make that type of decision. Secondly, we wanted to be sure to instill in our children that when you commit to something, people count on you to follow through and it wouldn’t b right to quit halfway through, leaving your teammates in a lurch.

My parting word of wisdom on the topic of after school activities has to be BALANCE. Without a balanced life, we raise “lop-sided” children.

PTC

The Parent Teacher Connection is critical to your child’s success at school. Just like the times that children pit parents against each other in order to get what they want, children try to pit their parent against their teacher. This may happen when their behavior has gotten them into trouble or when their grades are dropping. The best way of preventing this is to promote parent-teacher communication from the start of the school year. Attending conferences, open houses, PTA meetings and special school events sends the message to your child that their education is important to you. I suggest that you set up a conference with the teacher between the second and sixth week of school. Before the second week of school, the teacher is still getting to know your child. After the sixth week, your child’s school habits may be set for the year. If your child is having trouble, the teacher and you may be able to come up with some ideas that will help. You both have very valuable information needed to help your child: the teacher knows about curriculum and teaching techniques and you know your child.


At this point, I also want to include a blurb about over communication. With all the things that teachers are required to do, daily communication with parents is not possible. My recommendation is that you conference with your child’s teacher no more than two times in a semester (or four times in a school year) and limit phone calls to four a semester (or eight in a school year). Note that just like the times that teacher’s call to let you know when your child has done something good, teachers love to get calls from parents letting them know that they are doing something right. If more conferences are needed due to behavior or academic difficulties, let the request come from the teacher.

Should your child attend the conference? This question has no easy answer. When answering this question it is important to take into consideration the age of the student and the topic to be discussed. You will need to consider the pros and cons of your child attending a conference, each time you meet with the teacher. The answer may very well change from conference to conference.

Homework Made Easier

When it comes to my recommendations about homework and children, I am all about not reinventing the wheel. I have a book that I like to suggest to parents because I really like the advice that it gives and it is an easy read. The book is Homework Without Tears by Lee Canter. In this book, he gives some great suggestions to ease the many difficulties that can arise during that dreaded part of the evening. I will highlight a few of his ideas here and some of my own, however I strongly urge you to find a copy of this book and read it.


I believe that some of the problems that occur during homework time could be eliminated by some carefully planning to develop a good work environment. Canter makes the following recommendation when settling on a studying location: it should be a quiet location (not in the viewing line of the television), well lit, a “do not disturb” sign and a homework survival kit that includes all the supplies that your student may need while studying. The survival kit may include: several sharpened pencils, erasers, paper, scissors, crayons, calculator. Having all the supplies within reach limit’s the number of interruptions.

Setting a time aside each weekday for homework and posting that time may eliminate some of the arguing that erupts when it is time for homework. Best scenario is that it is at the same time each day, however with all the after school activities that our children are involved in this may not be practical. Set aside a daily time that fits into your schedule. Times may be different for different days of the week, but I suggest that those times stay the same from week to week. If your child doesn’t have any homework one evening, it is still important to stick with the routine of homework time. They could read or do practice math problems to fill the study time.

If your child requires your attention in every step of their homework and refuses to do any of his homework without asking what seems like a million questions, Canter suggests a fun re-enforcer for this problem. It is called the M&M game. You set a small pile of M&Ms in front of your child at homework time, letting them know that each time they ask a question you will take an M&M from the pile. Any M&Ms left at the end of study time are for your child to eat. Please note that this activity is not meant for every child, only those who will not do any of their homework on their own. With other children, it may act as a deterrent to asking you for some needed help. Use caution with this activity, although I have been told it really works.

With a little preparation, and a whole lot of patience, homework time can turn into a pleasant experience for both you and your child.

Grief and Loss Podcast

Our latest podcast is posted, and should be available on iTunes shortly, and soon appearing in the box to the right of this post.

I wanted to reiterate the fact that grief and loss do not only apply to death.  Any loss (moving, friends leaving, pets dying, parent's loss of job, etc.) all involve a lot of the same basic principles and can be used to help your child through these issues.

If you have ideas for future podcasts, and in particular guests for interviews in future episodes, please let us know.  We would love to include you in a future episode.  E-mail us at ParentSharing@aol.com if you have an idea.

Grief and Loss

As a school counselor, I deal with the issue of loss a lot with children of various ages. The most important thing to understand about children and death is that there is no timetable when it comes to dealing with death, they will face the loss in their own time. If your child is not displaying the signs of grief that you feel that they should be, it may be their brain protecting them from whatever they are not yet able to process. They may need time before they are ready to address the issue of their grief. Pushing them to deal with grief before they are ready, may have long lasting negative ramifications.


So how will you know when a child is ready to fully begin the grieving process? Unfortunately there isn’t a cookie cutter answer, but one sign may be when they start asking questions about the person who died or about the death itself. This is when you need to be ready to walk your child through the stages of grief. If your own pain is too fresh to be able to properly help your child, entrust a close friend or family member. Make sure that when you are picking this person that they share your same beliefs regarding death. If they do not, it may be necessary to pick someone else, in order to limit confusion and contradiction.

An understanding of Kubler-Ross Stages of Grief may help you understand your own grief, as well as help you with dealing with child’s grief. The five stages are: Denial (the “this is not happening“ phase), Anger, Bargaining (the “what I promise to do, if you can make this not happen” phase), Depression, and Acceptance. One thing to keep in mind about the stages of grief is that as you pass through the stages, they are fluid and you may find yourself or your children going back and forth through the stages for a period of time.

Death is not permanent for children before about the age of six. Children before the age of six (and sometimes even later depending on your child’s development) believe that the person who died will return to life again. This point was solidified with me when a family member, who was five at the time of his father’s death, told us that his dad was going to walk down the stairs from heaven and play a game with him later on that night. For this reason, it is very important to use words like death and died when referring to a loss. Using terms like loss, sleeping, or they are on a journey to heaven other euphemisms for death may confuse your child even more. The child may be left with the sense that the person who died needs to be found, that they will be coming back at some point, or they may begin to associate sleep with death.

Terms that we associate with a death are not terms children are familiar with. I have had to explain to children as old as eleven words like casket, funeral, memorial service, cremation and burial. These are terms that are thrown out often during a time following a death. We all experience fear of the unknown, and to many children these terms are unknown. Asking your child whether they understand what the terms you are using mean, can go a long way to relieving the anxiety that they may feel at this time. A little knowledge can make a big difference in the grieving process.

The Big Question????

I wish I had a dollar for each time a parent has consulted me about whether the child should go to the funeral home, or attend the funeral, I would be a very wealthy women. There is not an easy answer to this question. If you consulted ten professionals on this topic, you would get ten different answers. My belief is that you need to listen to what the child is saying that they need. An example of this was again with my nephew when his father died. He kept telling his mother that he needed to say goodbye to his father and he just wanted to hold his hand one more time. She believed strongly that he needed to be kept far from all of the grief at the funeral home and the burial. After some convincing she agreed to let him go to the funeral home with for ten minutes prior to everyone else showing up. When he got there, he sat right next to the casket talking and holding his dad’s hand. It allowed him to begin the healing process, by seeing his dad one last time.

Pregnancy and New Baby

Bringing a new baby into the home can be a stressful time for any child. We all have trouble dealing with change. Placing yourself in your child’s shoes can be helpful in better understanding where your child is coming from. Children, as I talked about in a previous post, are attention seeking and when a new baby comes into the picture they usually receive the lion’s share of the attention. It is not hard to believe that your older child would start engaging in bad behaviors to gain your attention. This is an area of parenting where a little prior groundwork and well placed attention to the older child or children may prevent a lot of headaches down the road. Here are some ideas that I have either used or collected from other parents to ease this transition. Keep in mind that these activities will not eliminate all the acting out, nothing will because we all go kicking and screaming when change is involved. You can not change human nature, but you can influence it.
1) Let your child assist you in some of the preparations for the baby. I took my son shopping with me when I was picking out things for the nursery. When I did this with my son before the birth of my daughter, he chose a diaper that had his favorite character on it. He was very excited about sharing stories about this character with the baby every time that I changed her. Granted she was the only female baby on the block to have He-Man on her bottom and we got a lot of “what a cute little boy”, but what this did to ease my son’s transition to having a new family member was PRICELESS.

2) Have them purchase or make a Birthday gift or card for the new baby. This also helps them to gain understanding of what a birthday is commemorating.

3) There may be sibling classes offered in some areas to assist the big brother or sister through this transition.

4) Include your child in the milestones of the pregnancy. I had a copy of the ultra sound picture made for my son to keep. He took this picture to his pre-school show and tell, and proudly displayed it on his bedroom mirror for all of his friends to see. I told him about his story. Using pictures, we talked about when I was pregnant with him and what it was like when I brought him home from the hospital. In addition, I let him put his hand on my belly and feel the baby kick. Before he went to bed, he liked to put his hand on my belly and sing the baby a lullaby. By the time the baby was born, he was very connected to her.
5) Give big brother/big sister a disposable camera to take pictures when they meet baby.
6) Make a recording of your child’s favorite books so that they can listen to it while you are in the hospital having the baby.
7) Ask your closest family members and friends who will be visiting the new baby to remember big brother/big sister with something small when they bring a gift for the new baby. Some suggestions are: bubbles, play dough, a book, or a game. It does not have to be something expensive, but it should be something that the child would see as being fun.

8) If at all possible make special mommy and me time for your older child. I know this is asking a lot since it must seem that your life is spinning out of control and sleep is a distant memory, but this will go a long way in reduce the jealousy of the older sibling.

I hope that one or more of these ideas helps you through this transition period. A little pre-birth planning and some individual attention to the older sibling after the birth, should help.

Talking to Your Children about the Tough Stuff

There are certain topics that strike fear into the hearts of parents when they feel that the time has come to talk to their children about them. Whether the topic is sex, drugs, death or some crazy fad out there like the choking game, we all experience an uneasiness when preparing what we are going to say. No matter what the topic, some things about communicating with your children will always serve you well.


First on the list of things we all should do when preparing to talk with our children is get educated about the topic. Whether you are doing your research on-line or at the library, make sure that you have chosen a reliable source. This step is imperative because you want to have the facts when your children ask questions.

When setting aside a time to talk with your child, make sure that it is not at a time when you are angry or anxious. Anger and anxiety often lead to lecturing rather than talking, and we have all been at the receiving enough to know that the first thing that a child (especially a teenager) does when they believe there is a lecture coming is shut down. In order to prevent this from happening, make sure that the communication is a two way street. That you are listening, as much as you are talking.

Starting up the “tough” conversations is the hardest part. When you begin your talk, try not to start out with an accusing statement such as “Are you using drugs?”. Instead try starting with a statement something like “Have you heard anything about drugs at school?”. This will go a long way in keeping the lines of communication open and preventing your child from getting defensive.

A few thoughts about content. When talking with your child about any topic it is important that you use age appropriate content and vocabulary. The sex talk will be quite different for a nine year old and a fifteen year old. If you are not sure about what is age appropriate, do the research. A six year old asking about where babies come from is not looking for a biology lesson about the reproductive system, they may just want to know that they grow in their mommy’s belly. I think it is important to mention here that it is very important that no matter what age your child is you tell them the truth because if you lie and they find out later that you lied, this undermines the trust that you are trying to build. In addition, if during the course of your discussion, a question is asked that you don’t know the answer to fight the urge to fake it. A child will respect you much more if you say something like “I’m not sure what the answer to that question is, how about if we research it together.“ Building that trust is what is going to send your children running to you instead of their friends when they are faced with a major issue.

Parent Sharing-Episode 2-Traveling

Check out our second regular episode of Parent Sharing (available on iTunes or through the player to the right of this post).  In this episode we talk about traveling with children (with as few tears as possible).  Whether your traveling by plane, train, or automobile, a little pre-planning can help make your trip a whole lot better. 

As always, you can get in touch with us here at this blog, through our e-mail ParentSharing@aol.com, or on Facebook at Parent Sharing.

New Mini-Episode

Check out our latest mini-episode.  We take a couple of minutes to get to know one of your hosts, Kathy.  We'll get to Christina in a future mini-sode, and also be updating with a full episode in the next couple of days, so stay tuned! 

You can subscribe to us on iTunes, check out our Facebook page (Parent Sharing), or listen to the podcast on the player to the right of this post.

Traveling Without Tears (or at least as few as possible)

It's that time of the year again, families taking vacations. Whether you have small children, teens, or even adults.  Whether you are traveling by plane, train or automobile, the same question always comes up. You know the one I am referring to. "Are we there yet?" Most of the time you are ten minutes away from home the first time those words are uttered. I think this topic came to mind as I was walking Christina's dog. I am dog sitting for a few days while Christina is vacationing at the beach. Her drive to the beach was only a few hours, but I bet she will have some interesting experiences to tell us about when she gets back. This information comes a week too late for her, but hopefully will find you in the planning stages of your trip. Here are some of the tricks I have learned in my years of traveling with children, no matter what their ages (even the dreaded teen years):

1. I would love to get credit for this idea on how to make your trip go more smoothly, but the credit goes to my hubby. We were about to leave on a trip that would have us in the car for more then twenty hours, and he got the idea to put together a book of activities for each of our children. They were 10 and 7 at the time. As you can imagine, a boy and girl of differing ages had very different ideas about what was interesting. The "book" was a loose leaf binder that had a map of the route that we would be traveling which allowed each of our children to color in states as we past from state to state. They always knew where we were on our journey. We perfected this several years later, when on a three week cross country trip the maps included places of interest and places that we planned on stopping. We tried to pick at least a few places of interest along the way for each child. In addition to the map, there were puzzle pages, coloring pages, games, stories and blank pages. (Important note: each one should be age appropriate.)

2. Bring healthy snacks in a separate bag for each child with their names on it. This eliminates two problems, everyone fighting over one particular food item and upset stomachs from eating too many treats. I think we can all agree that there are few things worse than having a child who is feeling sick and/or throwing up in the car on a long trip. I had the children pack their own snack bag for the trip, this eliminated the problem of me not packing what they liked. I would lay out the things that they could choose from on the counter and they would pack their own bag. They could decorate the bag if they wanted to, but the name was the only requirement.

3. Bring a cooler with some drinks. It will save you from having to buy lots of drinks on the road. Drinks should be limited to water and light colored or clear liquids. Save your car's upholstery, learn from my mistakes. No red, purple or blue drink boxes. I am sure that wherever that car is now, the stain is still there.

4. Keep them busy. Each child was allowed to bring a backpack full of things that they wanted for the trip. Books, games, and their snack bag needed to fit in it. I packed a bag that I kept up front with me. My "in case of emergency" bag. (Only to be used if the children or I were getting really antsy. My husband would tell you that I don't travel very well either.) It did include a first aid kit, and many other essentials. Some more examples of what could be included in the kids' bags, or the emergency bag are a sketch pad or Magna Doodle for drawing, magnetic board games, iPods, DVD Player with headphones and movies, books on tape of varying age levels, and a few surprise snacks.

I can tell you from experience, that a little before hand planning makes for a much more pleasant trip for the adults in the car. Please share any ideas that you have for traveling with children of any age. We may share them on our upcoming podcast, and besides, I am always looking for new ideas. As I said before, I don't travel well.

Parent Sharing Episode 1-Discipline

Check out our first Parent Sharing podcast. Where Kathy and Christina delve into the wonderful world of discipline, and share some honest (sometimes embarrassing) personal tales of parenting. Be sure to share your experiences, questions, and suggestions.

Parent Sharing Episode 1-Discipline

Finding the Right Consequence

When assigning a consequence for a misbehavior, I believe that it is important for a parent to make sure that the consequence has a relationship to the misbehavior if possible. It is better that a consequence teaches the desired lesson, then just be punitive in nature. Two types of consequences that you may consider when determining a punishment for a particular behavior are: logical consequences and natural consequences.
Natural consequences occur naturally when your child engages in a particular behavior. These are very effective if they occur immediately following an action, and may not require any intervening on your part to eliminate the behavior. An example of a natural consequence may be getting a burn when touching a hot stove. Any parent who has teenagers knows that telling your teen that they can't be friends or date someone usually just serves to strain the relationship between the two of you and encourage them to sneak around to be with that person. It may be much more effective, if it is not someone who is dangerous to be around, to allow your child to find out on there own that this is a person that they do not want to associate with. Getting your approval to go out with this person may take away all the intrigue and excitement that your child perceives about this person.
Logical consequences are consequences that you assign to your child when they have engaged in a misbehavior. They are logical in that they "fit the crime" to assist the child in learning from their misbehavior. An example may be not allowing your child to have dessert if they have not eaten their dinner or not letting your teenager use the computer for a week because you caught them on a website that you do not allow them to go to.
When disciplining your child, remembering two things will go a long way to improving your child's behavior: that you need to always be consistent and consequences work best when relate to the unwanted behavior.

The Meat and Potatoes of Disipline

"It is not the severity of the consequence, it is the certainty of it." Heard this quote at a workshop and thought that it really summed up the most important points about discipline. If anyone knows where this quote came from please let me know, because I would love to give credit where credit is due.

The first part of this quote reminds us that discipline does not have to be severe. I hope we are past the time where we adhere to the concept of spare the rod, spoil the child. Spanking a child to the point of them not being able to sit down without pain or leaving marks is first and foremost against the law. Secondly, these children not only grow up to do the same to their children, but are more likely to engage in violent behaviors as they are growing up. Having said that, I am not opposed to occasionally giving a child a little spank on the bottom.

The second part of this quote contains what I believe to be the key to making discipline work for you as the parent. If a child believes that one time in ten they are going to get away with a behavior, they are more likely to engage in this behavior, hoping that it is the one time that they will not get into trouble. For some reason, it doesn't seem to register in a child's mind that those are not very good odds. It is imperative, given this information, that you be consistent with your discipline 100% of the time.

When choosing consequences for misbehavior, it is most important to consider the child. When my son was little a tiny little pat on the bottom, worked wonderfully. However when it came to my daughter, this was not the case. One time I found myself spanking her again and again as she shouted out that that didn't hurt. After three smacks on the bottom and a hand that was starting to sting a little, I came to the revelation that spanking was not going to work with her. I placed her in a time out chair that was located in the entry to our house and went to set the timer in the kitchen for four minutes (she was four at the time). Before I could get to the timer, she was out of the chair. I placed her back in the chair, and went to set the timer again. After going through his song and dance about seven or eight times, she finally realized that I was not letting her off the hook and she stayed in the chair for the entire four minutes which according to her was forever. The next time that I placed her in time out, it only took four times of putting her back in the chair. Important to note when using time out, you should choose a location where there is not a lot of activity going on around the child, and there is nothing for them to play with that is close at hand. Note that their bedroom is probably not a good location because there are toys and books for them to occupy themselves with.

One More Thought About Attention Seeking Behaviors

Pay close attention to which of your child's behaviors you are giving attention to because those are the behaviors that you are reinforcing. We are all guilty of giving negative attention, and lots of it, to those behaviors that drive us crazy. This attention ensures that these behaviors will occur more and more often. Exactly the opposite effect that we want. It is not to late to start paying attention to the good behaviors and try to ignore those unwanted behaviors as long as they do not put your child in danger. Understand that there will be an increase in the unwanted behavior when you begin ignoring it. Children will start by testing us, not believing that this behavior will not get them the attention that they are seeking anymore. Stay strong and keep on this path, this behavior will go away as soon as your child realizes that they will no longer get attention for it.

The Topic Is....Discipline

Discipline seems to be a topic that most parents are interested in and the number of hits that one gets when searching the web is overwelming and quite confusing. What site do you trust? There are many thought on discipline and I will discuss my thoughts on those in a future post, but there are some things that I think all parents need to know about your child's bad behavior first. Humans are attention seeking creatures for the most part, children are no different. They want attention. They don't really care if that attention is positive or negative, they just want attention. If we give them some positive attention, it may reduce the number of bad behaviors that they engage in to get our "negative" attention. Which in turn reduces the amount that you need to discipline. Some food for thought when discussing positive attention: in our always connected society, are we really giving our children our undivided attention or are we on the cell phone, sitting next to them watching TV, or talking to them while we are surfing the net, tweeting or texting at the same time. Consider taking time to just be with your child, turn off all your electronics and eliminate other distractions. Make sure to give each child individual attention whenever possible.

Author's Thoughts About This Blog

My name is Kathy and I have been a School Guidance Counselor and a Mental Health Counselor for the past twelve years. Although book learning and college courses in these fields are helpful, most of my knowledge in this area comes from my combined 55 years of parenting. Two very different children: 29 year old male and 26 year old female. I have held many parenting workshop over the years and they all have one thing in common, they have not been well attended. Feedback on these workshops suggest that the information is valuable but there is not enough time in the day to attend a workshop. I am hoping that providing this information through a blog may reach out and help more parents.