A Creative Idea for Teaching Your Daughter to Use a Tampon

This idea comes from a fifteen year old girl who taught her younger sister how to insert a tampon by demonstrating the technique with a two liter bottle and a tampon. Having struggled with this problem with my own daughter unsuccessfully, I thought this was a brilliant idea. My method of yelling instructions through a closed bathroom door led to frustration and tears. I think that this idea will work in many cases because so many of us are visual learners. Thanks for the awesome idea Brooke.

idea submitted by:
Brooke
Oakland, MD

A Quest for Creative Solutions to those Pesty Parenting Problems

I am starting an ongoing series of posts on helpful and creative ideas for those annoying parenting problems that just won't go away. Please submit any unusual and creative ideas that you have used to handle some of your most annoying and resistant parenting dilemmas or submit a problem you are having to find some creative answers.

A Parent Feeling Overwelmed

Today, my post is going to be therapuetic for me. I am finding myself overwelmed and totally stressed out by the amount of things that have been thrown at me in the last two weeks. Helping someone and her two dogs move out of our house, sick parents times two, sick dog, cleaning all my carpets and moving my furniture back into the house, truck breaking down and having to purchase a new car, two 9 hour car rides, and the pending five day visit of a family of five. I am not saying that all of these things are bad, but they certainly are all causing a rise in my blood pressure. I think that we are living in a time due to the economy and the state of affairs around the world where we are finding ourselves stressed out more than ever. I thought I would share with you what is working for me and what isn't.

One thing that doesn't work to lower my stress is when someone (you know who you are) tells me that so many people have it worse then we do. I know that, but that does make my stuff feel any smaller. It still seems overwelming to me. Some things that I do when I am feeling as if the world is using me as a punching bag are: taking a long leisurely walk (intense exercise works for some people but not me), nice long bubble bath while listening to soothing music, cranking up some of my favorite sing along tunes and singing as loud as I can, deep breathing, journaling, venting with a friend, and talking it through with God. I share these techniques with you, not in the hopes that you will use what works for me, but that you find what lowers your stress level and use them. We are not the best parents that we can be to our children when we are stressed out and it helps our children learn how to deal with their stress when they see us doing it. Stress is not going to go away, we just need to learn better ways of dealing with it.

Disciplining Your Children in a Divorce: Two Houses and Still Consistant

In a perfect world, your two houses would have the same rules and consequences for your children but that may be difficult since you can not control someone else's behavior. It is usually the parent who is not the custodial parent who is hesitant to set down rules. I don't think that the main reason they are doing this to get even with you, but because they don't want to be the bad guy in the little time they have with the children. Let's face it we all like to be liked, especially by our children. It is important to remember that parenting is not a popularity contest and that children need to have boundaries set for them. Consider that the other parent is missing out on some big milestones in the lives of their children and maybe you will be able to develop some empathy with regard to the position that they are in. These are some "whys" for the disipline being different at the two houses, but it is important for both of you to understand that it would be much better for the development of your children if the discipline was consistent. I encourage you to sit down with your ex and develop some ground rules for your children that both of you can live with. This would be a good time to express your empathy toward the situation that your ex finds themself in. By starting this conversation with empathy, instead of finger pointing, may just open the lines of communication enough to make some good parenting decisions together.

Children tend to take advantage of the situation when parents do not consistently discipline. They are much more likely to act up if they think they can get away with it even one time in ten. They also are very adept at playing parents against each other in a divorce. I suggest that you try to keeping the lines of communication between you and your ex wide open. Don't just assume that what your child is telling you is the absolute truth. Teenagers are especially good at pushing their parent's buttons about their ex. Open lines of communication, even if they are strained will prevent a lot of problems down the road with your children.

Divorce: How to Deal with the News of a New Wife or New Baby

When your ex starts out the discussion with “I have wonderful news”, first and foremost resist the urge to use a cattle prod. You know you want to. Be careful of your response, the eyes of your children are on you gauging your response. Any venting that you need to do should be done with your friends or family, far from the ears of your children.

Whether your ex has had all the contact in the world with your children, or doesn’t have anything to do with them, your response to the news of a new wife or baby should be the same. A quick “congratulations” to your ex and then begin dealing with the fallout. It would be nice if your ex had given you a warning before telling the children, but more often than not you find out from the children.

No matter how well adjusted your children are to the idea of the two of you being divorced; they are almost never ready to hear this news. There are two reasons for this. Often times, children hold on to the belief that their parents are going to get back together no matter how long you have been apart and a new family presents a major road block to this happening. In addition, they may feel that this new family is going to replace them, and in many instances that sadly is what happens. The best thing that you can do at this time is listen. Keep your feelings out of it and let your children come to terms with this news by letting them vent to you. Be Switzerland! Stay neutral on this topic when talking with your children. Answer their questions the best that you can. Sometimes the answer will be to tell your child that that is a question best answered by their other parent. If your child does not want to talk to the other parent about this issue, just continue to listen and guide them through their feelings. Be patient. Your children will come to terms with this news and so will you.

If you are the parent who is remarrying or having a baby, let your children know early on the event is going to happen. Springing this news on them is never good, no matter how old they are. A heads up to their other parent is a good idea, since they will need to deal with the fallout as well. My advice to you is after you tell them, listen to your children and answer all their questions honestly and in the best way that you can. Check your enthusiasm over the upcoming event at the door when having this discussion. Reassure them over and over again that they will always be a very important part of your life and that they are not being replaced. Don’t be disappointed if they are not as excited as you are. They may develop this excitement later but right now they are dealing with another major change to their life. As is human nature, their first response to this change will probably be to resist it. Be patient and make special time for just your children. This will reassure them that you are still going to be there for them, no matter who else becomes part of your life. It’s this reassurance that they are looking for from you, and keep in mind that actions speak louder than words.

A Child's Wish List for Their Parents When They Are Getting a DIvorce

1) Listen to what I have to say. I am feeling pretty confused and need you to reassure me that everything is going to be alright.

2) Keep my schedule as normal as possible. Many things are changing in my world and I need to know that somethings will stay the same.

3) Stop fighting with each other. Play nice. That's what you are always telling me to do.

4)I need you both to stay involved in my life. If you can't be with me because you live too far away, stay connected to me. Write, use skype, e-mail, or call.

5) Don't use me as a messenger.

6) Don't say mean things about each other. I don't want to take sides.

7) Don't get upset when I spend time with my other parent. I don't want to choose between you. I love you both and this really confuses and upsets me.

Is My Child's Reaction to the Divorce Normal or Is There Reason to be Concerned?

Most children whose families are going through a divorce feel some level of anxiety, anger and depression. Knowing when this is just a normal response on the part of your child or when you need to seek some outside help may make all the difference. Duration and intensity of the emotions are both important things for you to consider. If after a few months these emotions have not begun to lessen, it may be time to seek some professional help. Do not become alarmed if your child's emotions are intensifying because it may be due to other factors in their life like puberty. Better safe than sorry has always been my motto with regard to my own children, and I don't know anyone who wouldn't benefit from talking to an unbiased individual about what is bothering them.

Some specific things that you can be watching for that suggest that your child needs some professional help to deal with the changes that the divorce is making to their lives: talk of suicide, change in sleeping pattern, getting in to trouble at school, dropping grades, alcohol or drug use, withdrawal from loved ones or loved activities, violent outbursts, or self-injurious behaviors like cutting or thrill seeking.

It is important to remember that seeking some outside help for your child does not mean that you have failed as a parent, quite the opposite. A good parent provides their child with the things that they need to maintain a healthy, happy life.

Thoughts from Zig Ziglar's Son

I ran across this inspirational story as I was reading Zig Ziglar's Little Instructional Book. I thought that it fit into what I have been writing about. If you are struggling with the idea of getting a divorce, I hope that you will really take these words to heart. Some marriages are meant to end but I don't think that number is as high as our divorce rate.

The best thing that a parent can do for a child is to love his or her spouse. Zig Ziglar was walking with his fifteen year old son and he asked him, "If anyone should ask you what you liked best about your dad, what would you say?" He answered, "I'd say that the thing I like best about my dad is that he loves my mom." Zig then asked, "Why would you say that?" and he replied, "I know because you love mom you're going to treat her right and as long as you treat her right, we will always be a family. That means that I will never have to choose between you and mom.

Whether you have already divorced or are just considering it, I hope that you take these words to heart. Divorce does not have to mean that your children need to choose between their mom or their dad. What a difficult position to be in, to have to choose between the two people you love the most. Find a way, divorced or not, so your children are not in a position where they have to choose.

Helping Your Child Through the Emotional Rollercoaster of a Divorce

The best way to help your child through the emotional rollercoaster experience during a divorce, is to hold your tongue and not bad mouth their other parent no matter how rotten that person's behavior is. Even if the other parent abandons them or disappoints them over and over again, don't say anything bad about them in front of your child. Your child will resent you for saying something about it. Let them come to their own conclusions about their other parent. This may not happen as quickly as you would hope, but it will make for a much more peaceful relationship between you and your child. Make sure that you vent the anger that you have towards your ex with a friend, so that it does not surface in an unexpected way.

Being supportive of your child's connection with the other parent is a great way to help your child through this transition time. One of the things that children most fear about divorce is change. Keeping their relationship with the other parent as normal as possible will relieve much of the anxiety that they may be feeling. Some ideas that other families have used are: frequent visitations and phone calls, doing things as a family, letter or e-mail writing, and one of my personal favorites is the use of a webcam to share breakfast every morning. If the other parent has chosen to sever all ties with your child, this presents an obvious problem maintaining a connected feeling for your child. I suggest that if your child expresses a desire to stay connected with a parent who doesn't want to stay connected to them, that you suggest they keep a journal or a box of things that they want to share with their other parent. Let them know that the other parent is making a bad choice right now and that they may change their mind down the road. Even if you know that this is never going to happen, it's okay to have them do it anyway. The journal and box are not for your ex, they are for your child's peace of mind.

An activity that I have found to be helpful when working with children who are experiencing difficulties dealing with a divorce is a "Feelings Puzzle". I take a five to ten piece puzzle board made for young children and paint the frame and puzzle peices a solid color. On the front of the puzzle pieces I write a feeling that the child may be experiencing due to the divorce. Some examples of emotions that have made their way to my "Feelings Puzzle" are: sadness, loneliness, anger, happiness, fear, worry, guilt and confusion. On the frame portion of the puzzle under each puzzle peice I write some things that the child can do to help with the emotion that they are experiencing. For example under "lonely" I would write several suggestions on how to fight off loneliness. The words "alone time activities" and "staying connected to your parent" appear under my puzzle peice for lonely. I hope that these activities give the child a sense that there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. You know your child best, so use your knowledge of your child to come up with ideas for your puzzle. This puzzle can be used anytime that your child is feeling overwhelmed by their emotions.

Taking Care of Yourself During the Stressful Times Surrounding Divorce

It is very important that you take care of yourself during the stressful times before, during and after a divorce. Make sure that you are eating right. I know that often times when we are depressed, we don't feel like eating. It's important that you keep up your stregnth, eat whether you feel like it or not.

Surround yourself with a group of friends and family that love you to confide in. If there isn't anyone you feel comfortable talking to, or the people that you are looking to for support are not helping you in the way you need, consider getting some professional help. Seek a counselor through your insurance provider or through your church community. Do not give in to the urge to talk to your children about how you are feeling. Although this may help you with how you are feeling, it may be harmful to your child's well-being.

Stress can be both physically and mentally destructive. Manage your stress at this time by doing things that reduce your stress like meditation, deep breathing, drawing, journaling, listening to music or exercise. Find what works for you. Consider including your children when you are engaging in stress management activities, they're experiencing stress too.

Laughter is the best stress reducer. Because of the way that our brains work, it doesn't matter whether we are truly laughing or just faking it, the result is the same. I suggest that you look in the mirror and "pretend" laugh for one minute. The funny thing about pretend laughing in the mirror is that it typically ends in real laughter.

Some Ideas for Telling Your Children About A Upcoming Divorce or Separation

Tell your children about the upcoming divorce or separation is not going to be easy, but a little planning will be helpful. I suggest, that if possible both parents sit down and talk to the children. I know that I am asking something that seems impossible, but showing your children that you will have a united front with regard to parenting will be helpful. If the two of you can not sit down together without your emotions (especially anger) getting in the way, just one of you should do it.

When talking to your kids about this pending event, it is most important to talk as calmly as you possibly can and leave out any bashing of the other parent. I recommend that you do all your bashing with a trusted friend far from your children. I would even practice this talk with that trusted friend to make sure that your tone of voice and words do not reflect your negative feeling about your soon to be ex.

When having this talk, it is important to tell the truth. Make it simple and honest. No need to go into great detail, a simple "we aren't getting along anymore" will do. Older children may need a more detailed explanation. It is important to answer the questions that your children have about their living arrangements and visitation. Working this out with your ex before hand, if possible, will ease the transition for your children. The most important thing that you will need to do during this talk is to reassure your children that both of you still love them very much and that they did not do anything to cause this split. This is one time that sounding like a broken record will be beneficial. When receiving bad news, we don't always hear everything being said. Repeating "I Love You" and "It wasn't your fault" over and over will ensure that your children really do hear it.

A Child's Description of What It Feels Like to be Caught in the Middle

Today’s post is a story that I want to share with you. I am hoping that it will get you thinking about what putting children in the middle of a divorce does to them. I was counseling a Kindergartener several years ago who was continually acting out in class. She was throwing things, hitting students and not making any friends. Five year olds tend not to have the ability to vocalize what they are feeling so they tend to act out. One day when I was meeting with her, I asked her to show me what it felt like to be her. She lined up three bears in one of my chairs and one bear in another chair. Her father had remarried and had a baby, while her mother and she lived on their own. Placing herself in between the two chairs, she picked up a bear from each chair and began swaying from side to side. To me it looked as if the bears were playing tug of war with the little girl as the rope. I don’t think that I could describe what we do to our children when we put them in the middle of our divorce better, even if I used a thousand words. I hope this gets you thinking about what we are doing to our children when we put them in the middle of our divorce.