Earlier I stated that ignoring does not seem to work for most victims, but I am going to suggest that ignoring “with an attitude” is a very effective technique. It is all about the attitude, what your child is feeling and thinking inside their head that counts. We can help them make an attitude adjustment from taking what the bully is saying to heart to knowing that the bully does not know who they are. I often ask children, “who knows you best?” and I receive a variety of answers: Parents, best friends, teacher. Rarely do I get the correct answer. There are things about us that no one else knows but us. An understanding that the child knows themselves better than the bully knows them can help when trying to ignore what a bully is saying about them.
The difficulty comes in when there is an amount of truth to what the bully is saying. When I was young, people often made fun of how short I was. Since I currently am five foot two and I was the third shortest student in my class of almost eight hundred students, I am short. Developing a strong sense of self helped me realize that although I was short that was and is not all that I am. It does not define me, it is a tiny truth about me. If you can assist your child in reframing those things that they don’t like about themselves, it will take the power that the bully has over your child away. Help them to understand the little catch that they get in their chest when someone picks on them about something that they see as a shortcoming will probably not completely go away, but reframing it will limit the effect that the bully will have on them. Two additional things to consider when working with your children to learn to ignore a bully, no eye contact and be sure that they check their body language. The no eye contact is pretty obvious, however often times children’s body language tells the bully that they are paying attention to what is being said and the bully is getting to them. Assist your child in understanding that focusing on keeping their body relaxed will send the message to the bully that they are not listening.
Another technique to consider may be to encourage your child to use their words to let the bully know that they are hurting them. This may seem contradictory to what I previously said, but there are times that the bully doesn’t realize that they are doing anything wrong. This is most often true with younger children, and may only make the situation worse with an older bully. Do not push your child into confronting the bully. If they want to confront the bully, you may suggest that having a friend present may make the interaction go more smoothly.
Working with your child in advance on some witty comebacks to say when a bully picks on them may be helpful as well. Start by working with them to develop witty comebacks for those areas that they are prime targets to get picked on for. Suggest that they practice with you, and also practice in the mirror until they get the desired response prior to using them with the bully.
There is not one right way to help your child deal with bullying. Hopefully we’ve provided at least a starting point. As always you can contact us at ParentSharing@aol.com or through our blog with questions or for more information.
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