Empty Nester Wishing for Down Time

I find my self in a time of life where I could be termed an empty nester, but I am not feeling much like one.  I think that due to the economy, the delay in becoming parents and the increase in life expectancy many of us who are "empty nesters" are not sharing the feelings of loss and loneliness that our parents experienced when we flew the coop.
Just like you, I am finding myself playing a larger role in my adult children's lives then my parents did.  I believe that we need look no further than the bleak employment opportunities and the economy, to find a reason for this.  Balance is the key.  I think it is important to balance our children's needs and our needs at this stage of life.  Helping them to the detriment of our health and financial stability is not good for them or for us.  Try to assist them in working within their means by reducing the number of times they eat out, cutting back on cell phone cost (I have a pay as you go plan instead of paying a monthly rate) and eliminating cable and high speed internet.  Some of these cut backs will probably be met with resistance because they will think that they will be returning to the dark ages but you can assure them that there are places like the library where they can access high speed internet for free.

At the same time as we are playing a more active role in our adult children's lives, we are shouldering the responsibility for caring for our parents who are living longer with each generation.  In my case, as with many others baby boomers, we have taken jobs out of state and therefore if we can't convince our parents to move to where you live what do we do?  I find myself spending weeks at a time, several times a year, away from my home and work caring for my parents.  Hopefully, you have many siblings who you can share this responsibility with.  But the reality is that families are getting smaller.  With only one very busy brother and no sisters, I feel a need to be there for my parents and when I can't be, I feel guilty for not being there. 

Talk about being between a rock and a hard place.  Here I sit longing for my time of being an empty nester.  I know be careful what you wish for.  But I have spend two weeks this past month caring for a sick parent in the hospital and tomorrow I will begin three weeks of home healthcare with my parent doing medical things that I never dreamed I would be doing.  Maybe not the best frame of mind for tackling these very serious issues that are facing our generation of Baby Boomers, but these are issues that are very much on my mind.

Boomers and Boomerang Children...A Quote

"The best gift parents can give their children is to provide a road map to live independently,"

Nicholas Aretakis,
author of No More Ramen: The 20-Something's Real World Survival Guide

Boomers and Boomerang Children..Books on the Topic

Here are some books on the topic of Boomerang Children that got good reviews.

Boomerang Kids: How to Live With Adult Children Who Return Home by
Jean Davies Okimoto and Phyllis Jackson Stegall

The Hands-On Guide to Surviving Adult Children Living at Home by Christina Newberry

Boomerang Nation: How to Survive Living with Your Parents...the Second Time Around by Elina Furman (this is one you might want to get for your adult child to read)

Boomers and Boomerang Children...Successfully Managing this Phenomenon

Many Baby Boomers are finding themselves faced with caring for their aging parents and having their children return to the nest. These can put undo stress on a marriage and greatly affect their financial planning for their golden years.

Children are returning to live with their parents for many reasons. Some have lost their jobs and their homes, and move their entire family into their parent's home. Many find themselves returning home from military duty, discharged with no employment opportunities. Others find themselves returning with a diploma in hand and no job prospects. How can you as the parent of an adult best handle this situation? Below are some dos and don'ts to consider.

Don'ts. 1)Avoid the urge to begin parenting them right where you left off. Your children are adults now and have lived on their own. Holding them to the rules that they lived by as children will only encourage them to rebel. 2)Do not just give them a "free ride". This will just set them up for future failure. Don't just bail them out, help them to restructure their debt and teach them how to avoid new debt. 3)Don't put yourself in a financial bind.

Dos. 1)Have a serious discussion before they move back in. If they are already living with you, have that talk ASAP. Talk about the whys to their moving back in, and about their plans for the future. 2)Set clear expectations for living in the household. Include a discussion about their expenses, chores, what to do about dating/spending the night, and calling if they will be gone all night. Setting ground rules should not be seen as treating them as children because you would set ground rules for a renter as well. 3)Set a time limit for how long that they will be staying with you. It provides your child with a goal date to get their life in order (motivation). This time limit can be revisited if circumstances change. 4) Charge them rent. This suggestion will probably be met with the most resistance but there are some very good reasons to do this. It helps to prepare your child for independent living and it will help you avoid getting yourself into a financial bind. It is important to share with your child the financial strain that you are going through having them there and how they can help easy that strain.

Boomers and Boomerang Children...The Stats

How do you handle your adult children returning home? This was a question e-mailed to me by one of my loyal followers, Susan from Oviedo, Florida

Susan be reassured that you are not alone in this problem. Whether it is due to a lost job, inability to land a job out of college, discharge from the military, or a foreclosure, the results are the same. Adult children are moving back in with their parents at an unprecedented rate. These children are referred to as boomerang kids. A recent survey by Pew Research Center reports that 13% of parents with adult children has one or more of them living in their home. Monster's 2009 Annual Entry Level Job Outlook reported that 40% of the 2008 graduates and 42% of the 2006 graduates live in their parents homes.

Problems occur with these new living arrangements because parents continue to treat these adult children as if they were children and the adult children do not take on any adult responsibilities when it comes to the house but expect to be treated as an adult. My next post will talk about how you can avoid these pitfalls and make this arrangement a win-win situation for all parties.

Thanks for the question Susan. I hope my response helped you. If you have a topic or question you'd like me to address, please e-mail me at parentsharing@aol.com.