It is important to set ground rules for computer use with your children to keep them safe when they’re on the internet, but be aware that you are bound to meet some resistance from them when doing this. Children view the internet as their playground and don’t want parents interfering with their fun. Parenting is not about being popular with your children, so stand firm about your ground rules for computer use. Some suggested ground rules: your child’s computer use should take place in a central location, not behind closed doors; set time limits; set limits to the sites that your child is allowed to visit as many are not age appropriate for young children; educate them about the dangers facing them on the internet including predators, and cyberbullying.
Keeping track of the sites that your children have been visiting may provide you with some peace of mind. This was an easy task to complete by going to the computer history but now many children are computer savvy enough to know how to go in and erase the history. Have no fear, the computer programmers have come to the rescue of parents everywhere. There are several types of software that can be purchase that will assist you in knowing where your children have been surfing and prevents them from altering it. In addition to this software there are parental controls on your computer that will prevent your children from going to sites that you don’t want them on. These controls are password sensitive so as long as you don’t make these passwords too obvious your children should not be able to override them.
Adults view pop ups and inappropriate material as an annoyance, children are curious about what they are. It is important to teach them not to click on pop ups because pop ups can download spyware, viruses or can link them to an inappropriate site. Many of the pop ups lure children in by suggesting that they have won something or will get something for free. It is important that you teach them nothing is ever free so that they will not be tempted to click on it. There are pop up blockers that you can install on your computer to help with this problem.
Today, it is necessary for children to do research on the internet. Be aware that these harmless searches can sometimes yield unexpected results. Here are some examples: when researching about the white house, one site that comes up is whitehouse.org which is a pornography site; when searching for information about Martin Luther King, a site that is suggested is martinlutherking.org which is a hate site. There are some search engines on the internet that are more kid friendly then BING or Google. One search engine that I would suggest is www.kidsclick.org. In addition, teach your children about how to find reputable sites when doing research.
Educate yourself on the terminology that children use when texting and instant messaging. We all know that LOL is laugh out loud and BRB is be right back, but did you know that p911 means parent alert or that PAL means that parents are listening. The list of these acronyms is extensive, become “Cyberspeak” savvy so you know what your children are saying.
My last piece of advice about keeping your children safe on the internet would be to educate yourself about all the things that are available. Get your own accounts on My Space, Facebook, Blogs and Tweeter, and learn how to use sites like I-Tunes, and E-Bay because that is what your children are doing. If you allow your children to access these sites, you might consider setting up the accounts for them so they need you to type in the password to gain access. This lets them know that you are monitoring everything that they are doing on the internet.
My next blog on this topic will be about keeping your children safe from “Cyberpredators”. It has become the latest way for pedophiles to find their next victim.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Bullying-Anger Management
Anger plays a large role in much of the bullying and violence that it is found in schools today. I believe that anger and jealousy is at the heart of much of what the bully is engaging in, and also the victim’s response after repeatedly being bullied. Teaching a few important facts about anger and several anger management skills will assist your child in better dealing with any anger that they experience.
It is important to let your child know that everyone gets angry, and that it is not the anger that gets them in trouble, but the behavior that they engage in when they are angry that gets them in trouble. In addition, your children should also understand that anger is cumulative and contagious. Cumulative is just a fancy way of saying it can build up. One thing happens to make your child angry, then another and another, followed by a seemingly small thing happening and your child explodes. Anger management techniques could be used to bring down the anger each time, resulting in no explosion. Contagious means that your child can catch anger from other people. Teaching them to stay away from people who when they are angry may help them to keep their cool more often.
Two anger management techniques that I like to teach children are: diaphragmatic breathing and counting to ten and back again. It is important that these be taught and modeled to your children in a very specific way. Do some research on how to properly do this type of breathing, if you don’t know how to do it already. With younger children I use the term balloon breathing to provide them with a better understanding about what their stomach should be doing. Older children may be more willing to learn this type of breathing if you let them know that it will assist them with playing sports or if they play some musical instruments. It is important when teaching your children to count to ten and back again that you stress with them that it is important to elongate the numbers as they are counting. If your child doesn’t want to count out loud, this technique works when doing it silently in your head as well.
Helping your child learn these few simple techniques may assist to keep them out of trouble in the present, but maybe more importantly throughout their lifetime.
It is important to let your child know that everyone gets angry, and that it is not the anger that gets them in trouble, but the behavior that they engage in when they are angry that gets them in trouble. In addition, your children should also understand that anger is cumulative and contagious. Cumulative is just a fancy way of saying it can build up. One thing happens to make your child angry, then another and another, followed by a seemingly small thing happening and your child explodes. Anger management techniques could be used to bring down the anger each time, resulting in no explosion. Contagious means that your child can catch anger from other people. Teaching them to stay away from people who when they are angry may help them to keep their cool more often.
Two anger management techniques that I like to teach children are: diaphragmatic breathing and counting to ten and back again. It is important that these be taught and modeled to your children in a very specific way. Do some research on how to properly do this type of breathing, if you don’t know how to do it already. With younger children I use the term balloon breathing to provide them with a better understanding about what their stomach should be doing. Older children may be more willing to learn this type of breathing if you let them know that it will assist them with playing sports or if they play some musical instruments. It is important when teaching your children to count to ten and back again that you stress with them that it is important to elongate the numbers as they are counting. If your child doesn’t want to count out loud, this technique works when doing it silently in your head as well.
Helping your child learn these few simple techniques may assist to keep them out of trouble in the present, but maybe more importantly throughout their lifetime.
Bullying-Anger Management Podcast
In the latest episode of Parent Sharing we move away from the direct bullying information and discuss anger management, and the ways that that may help in dealing with a bully. The information discussed in this podcast can be used in your everyday life, and not just in bully situations. Check it out on iTunes or in the player to the right. E-mail us at ParentSharing@aol.com
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
A Few Thoughts on Giving Thanks and Giving Back
It is easy to find ourselves, and our children, all tied up in the busyness of the holiday season forgetting the true importance of this time. Try to remember to include some time to give thanks for the many things that you have. Before sharing our Thanksgiving meal, it is our tradition to go around the table stating what things each of us is thankful for. In these troubled financial times, I know it is sometimes hard for children and adults to find things to be thankful for but remembering friends, family, and shared memories may be a good place to start. Make the effort to share the things that you are thankful for with your children. Listen carefully to what they are thankful for, sometimes great wisdom comes out of the mouths of babes.
As our children approached the "tween" years and started to really develop the "gimmies" during the holiday season, we began participating in activities that had us all giving back to our community. Some of the activities that we have participated in over the years include: helping feed the homeless on Thanksgiving, being a shopping assistant at a church or Salvation Army Christmas store, raising money for a good cause, and collecting food for the food bank. The list of ways to give back is endless, and the rewards of doing this as a family are great.
Many times children ask what difference can one person make. I suggest replying to this by giving examples of individuals who single handedly changed the world like Rosa Parks, Mother Theresa or the boy in my community who collects enough food each year to feed 500 families. A movie that my family loves to watch that really brings the point home that one person can make a difference is Pay It Forward. Be aware that there is some pretty heavy content in this movie, so it is not meant for young children, but it is well worth a watch for the inspirational message that it gives all of us.
As our children approached the "tween" years and started to really develop the "gimmies" during the holiday season, we began participating in activities that had us all giving back to our community. Some of the activities that we have participated in over the years include: helping feed the homeless on Thanksgiving, being a shopping assistant at a church or Salvation Army Christmas store, raising money for a good cause, and collecting food for the food bank. The list of ways to give back is endless, and the rewards of doing this as a family are great.
Many times children ask what difference can one person make. I suggest replying to this by giving examples of individuals who single handedly changed the world like Rosa Parks, Mother Theresa or the boy in my community who collects enough food each year to feed 500 families. A movie that my family loves to watch that really brings the point home that one person can make a difference is Pay It Forward. Be aware that there is some pretty heavy content in this movie, so it is not meant for young children, but it is well worth a watch for the inspirational message that it gives all of us.
Monday, November 22, 2010
The Rules of the Road When It Comes to Biking
Here are some must-know bike safety tips to teach your children. I have compiled these tips from several reliable sources on the internet.
1) Always ride with a helmet. Statistics and experiences of people I know support the incredible importance of this rule for children and adults.
2) Stop at all stop signs and obey traffic lights just as cars do. Yield to pedestrians, stop at red lights, and be especially careful at intersections.
3) Always ride in the same direction as cars do. Never ride against traffic. When walking or running, it is just the opposite, you should walk and run against traffic.
4) Try to use bike lanes or designated bike routes whenever you can — not the sidewalk! Everything that I read indicated that it was alright for younger children to ride on the sidewalk if a bike trail is not available.
5) Never ride at dusk or in the dark. If you need to ride at this time, be sure to wear reflective gear and also be sure your bike is also outfitted with reflective material, or lights are even better.
6) Always stop and check for traffic in both directions when leaving a driveway, an alley, a curb or railroad tracks. Be careful when going across the tracks, as several of my own family members have gone down when crossing these.
7) Watch traffic closely for turning cars or cars leaving driveways, or pulling out of parking spaces.
8) Don't ride too close to parked cars — doors can open suddenly.
9) Always walk a bike across busy intersections using the crosswalk and following traffic signals. Often people riding in hilly areas don’t like to follow this one because they want to get a running start at a hill. Better to have to work a little harder at making it up that hill than finding yourself nursing a serious injury.
10) When riding in a group, always ride single file on the street. This is one that we have all broken at one time or another. It is very important to follow this one on a busy road.
11) When passing other bikers or people on the street, always pass to their left and call out "On your left!" so they'll watch for you. My family also yells out when there is a car passing.
12) Never share the seat with a friend or ride on the handlebars — only one person should be on a bike at a time. It's easy to lose balance or suddenly swerve into traffic when riding with a passenger. I still have a chip out of my tooth and a scar on both knees to help remind me of the importance of this rule.
13) Never wear headphones while biking — it's essential to hear everyone else on the road at all times. I know that it is tempting to put on the iPod and tune out the rest of the world, my family have all purchased a small case that attaches to their bike. It holds their iPod and has speakers.
14) Never hitch a ride on a moving vehicle.
15) Never change directions or lanes without first looking behind you, and always use the correct hand signals. This is one that I am working on because I find it difficult to let go of my handlebars with one hand for very long. I have to believe that with practice I will get better at signaling.
Use your left arm for all hand signals:
Left turn: After checking behind you, hold your arm straight out to
the left and ride forward slowly.
Stop: After checking behind you, bend your elbow, pointing your
arm downward in an upside down "L" shape and come to a stop.
Right turn: After checking behind you, bend your elbow, holding
your arm up in an "L" shape, and ride forward slowly.
Keep in mind that it is important for you to model these rules for your children when you are riding your bike. Even if they don't always listen to you,they are always watching you.
1) Always ride with a helmet. Statistics and experiences of people I know support the incredible importance of this rule for children and adults.
2) Stop at all stop signs and obey traffic lights just as cars do. Yield to pedestrians, stop at red lights, and be especially careful at intersections.
3) Always ride in the same direction as cars do. Never ride against traffic. When walking or running, it is just the opposite, you should walk and run against traffic.
4) Try to use bike lanes or designated bike routes whenever you can — not the sidewalk! Everything that I read indicated that it was alright for younger children to ride on the sidewalk if a bike trail is not available.
5) Never ride at dusk or in the dark. If you need to ride at this time, be sure to wear reflective gear and also be sure your bike is also outfitted with reflective material, or lights are even better.
6) Always stop and check for traffic in both directions when leaving a driveway, an alley, a curb or railroad tracks. Be careful when going across the tracks, as several of my own family members have gone down when crossing these.
7) Watch traffic closely for turning cars or cars leaving driveways, or pulling out of parking spaces.
8) Don't ride too close to parked cars — doors can open suddenly.
9) Always walk a bike across busy intersections using the crosswalk and following traffic signals. Often people riding in hilly areas don’t like to follow this one because they want to get a running start at a hill. Better to have to work a little harder at making it up that hill than finding yourself nursing a serious injury.
10) When riding in a group, always ride single file on the street. This is one that we have all broken at one time or another. It is very important to follow this one on a busy road.
11) When passing other bikers or people on the street, always pass to their left and call out "On your left!" so they'll watch for you. My family also yells out when there is a car passing.
12) Never share the seat with a friend or ride on the handlebars — only one person should be on a bike at a time. It's easy to lose balance or suddenly swerve into traffic when riding with a passenger. I still have a chip out of my tooth and a scar on both knees to help remind me of the importance of this rule.
13) Never wear headphones while biking — it's essential to hear everyone else on the road at all times. I know that it is tempting to put on the iPod and tune out the rest of the world, my family have all purchased a small case that attaches to their bike. It holds their iPod and has speakers.
14) Never hitch a ride on a moving vehicle.
15) Never change directions or lanes without first looking behind you, and always use the correct hand signals. This is one that I am working on because I find it difficult to let go of my handlebars with one hand for very long. I have to believe that with practice I will get better at signaling.
Use your left arm for all hand signals:
Left turn: After checking behind you, hold your arm straight out to
the left and ride forward slowly.
Stop: After checking behind you, bend your elbow, pointing your
arm downward in an upside down "L" shape and come to a stop.
Right turn: After checking behind you, bend your elbow, holding
your arm up in an "L" shape, and ride forward slowly.
Keep in mind that it is important for you to model these rules for your children when you are riding your bike. Even if they don't always listen to you,they are always watching you.
Keeping your Child Safe in Cyberspace
Before beginning on a series of blog postings that are going to suggest all the dangerous that face our children out there on the internet, I think it is important to make one point very clear: the internet is a wonderful information rich world that our children will need to be using in all facets of their life. I am not suggesting that you give in to your fear of the dangers of the internet and ban them from using it, just that you empower your children and yourselves by learning all you can about internet safety.
There are a multitude of reasons that children use the internet. This list of reasons is in no way complete, but I do believe that it gives us, as parents, a sense of what an important role the internet plays in our children's lives. Our children use the internet to research information for school projects, prepare for standardized tests using on-line preparation programs, visit educational websites, play games, e-mail, instant message, social network, chat, surf for information about things that interest them, shop, sell things, post videos, and blog. Since the internet is becoming so vital to the way our world works, it is becoming more important every day that we arm ourselves and our children on how to keep save out in cyberspace.
A few websites that I recommend that you visit are: www.isafe.org, www.netsmartz.org, and www.stobullyingnow.hrsa.org. I-safe is a website for parents and I recommend that you view the I-learn modules. I will warn you that some of the videos that were created are frightening. I think that occasionally it takes getting frightened to prompt us to act. After viewing them, you may want to share a few of the videos with your children as well. I have shown these videos to children ages 9 and above. The other two sites have information and activities for you and your children. The children that I know who have gone to these sites have really enjoyed them. I think the best way to learn something is if you have fun doing it.
There are a multitude of reasons that children use the internet. This list of reasons is in no way complete, but I do believe that it gives us, as parents, a sense of what an important role the internet plays in our children's lives. Our children use the internet to research information for school projects, prepare for standardized tests using on-line preparation programs, visit educational websites, play games, e-mail, instant message, social network, chat, surf for information about things that interest them, shop, sell things, post videos, and blog. Since the internet is becoming so vital to the way our world works, it is becoming more important every day that we arm ourselves and our children on how to keep save out in cyberspace.
A few websites that I recommend that you visit are: www.isafe.org, www.netsmartz.org, and www.stobullyingnow.hrsa.org. I-safe is a website for parents and I recommend that you view the I-learn modules. I will warn you that some of the videos that were created are frightening. I think that occasionally it takes getting frightened to prompt us to act. After viewing them, you may want to share a few of the videos with your children as well. I have shown these videos to children ages 9 and above. The other two sites have information and activities for you and your children. The children that I know who have gone to these sites have really enjoyed them. I think the best way to learn something is if you have fun doing it.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Great Bully Prevention Website
I have found the following website to be very informative and user friendly for both adults and children alike. This website includes advice on bullying for parents, information about cybersafety and activities for children of all ages. The website is: stopbullyingnow.hrsa.org.
Bike Safety: Why Now?
It may seem a strange time of the year to be discussing bike safety, but I am compelled to do it now for two reasons: where I live it has finally cooled down enough that this is the perfect time for biking, and many children receive bikes on Christmas morning.
When we were out biking as a family this weekend, I realized that I did not know the rules with regard to biking. Fortunately for me, the rest of my family is very familiar with the hand signals, and traffic rules for biking. They have been participating for several years now in a bike ride for Crohn’s and Colitis called Get Your Guts In Gear. This is a three day, 210 mile bike ride. I will be talking about this more in future posts because it is a very important event and community to my family since my son has Crohn’s disease, but I mention it now just to let you know why they are so familiar with the rules of biking and I’m not. I am a member of the crew for this ride. Upon returning from the family bike ride, I decided to do some research about the rules of biking. Future posts will outline what I have learned. I am also hoping that educating myself will help me become more relaxed when riding. I just started riding again last year, after not being on a bike for many years, and I took several spills at that time. Hand signaling, shifting and watching traffic has me very apprehensive, but I find bike riding a fun, family activity and want to get more comfortable at doing it. I don’t want to be left behind anymore while my family is training for the 210 mile ride. Let’s learn together.
When we were out biking as a family this weekend, I realized that I did not know the rules with regard to biking. Fortunately for me, the rest of my family is very familiar with the hand signals, and traffic rules for biking. They have been participating for several years now in a bike ride for Crohn’s and Colitis called Get Your Guts In Gear. This is a three day, 210 mile bike ride. I will be talking about this more in future posts because it is a very important event and community to my family since my son has Crohn’s disease, but I mention it now just to let you know why they are so familiar with the rules of biking and I’m not. I am a member of the crew for this ride. Upon returning from the family bike ride, I decided to do some research about the rules of biking. Future posts will outline what I have learned. I am also hoping that educating myself will help me become more relaxed when riding. I just started riding again last year, after not being on a bike for many years, and I took several spills at that time. Hand signaling, shifting and watching traffic has me very apprehensive, but I find bike riding a fun, family activity and want to get more comfortable at doing it. I don’t want to be left behind anymore while my family is training for the 210 mile ride. Let’s learn together.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Some Things to Consider When Picking Out a Bike Helmet
Having already covered the importance of wearing a bike helmet, here are a few tips to keep in mind when picking the right helmet for you and your child.
1) Make sure that the helmet has a CPSC or Snell sticker inside. These indicate that the helmet meets standards set by the Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) or the Snell Memorial Foundation, a nonprofit group that tests helmet safety.
2) Make sure your child’s helmet fits correctly and can be adjusted. A bike helmet fits well if it: sits level on the head, isn’t tilted forward or backward; has strong, wide straps that fasten snugly under the chin; is fastened tight enough that no sudden pulling or twisting could move it around. You should be able to get help with the proper fit and adjustments at any bike store.
3) Helmet should be well ventilated
4) Pick bright colored helmet in order to make your child more visible to cars
5) Make sure that they have fastened the chin strap tight enough and that they are not wearing a hat underneath the helmet
6) Helmet should be replaced if your child has hit a hard surface when wearing it, it loses it capacity to absorb shock
7) Helmets should not be worn at the playground or when climbing because the strap could get caught on something and result in choking
8) This may be the most important tip of all. Having your child help you pick out the helmet may make them more inclined to wear it.
1) Make sure that the helmet has a CPSC or Snell sticker inside. These indicate that the helmet meets standards set by the Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) or the Snell Memorial Foundation, a nonprofit group that tests helmet safety.
2) Make sure your child’s helmet fits correctly and can be adjusted. A bike helmet fits well if it: sits level on the head, isn’t tilted forward or backward; has strong, wide straps that fasten snugly under the chin; is fastened tight enough that no sudden pulling or twisting could move it around. You should be able to get help with the proper fit and adjustments at any bike store.
3) Helmet should be well ventilated
4) Pick bright colored helmet in order to make your child more visible to cars
5) Make sure that they have fastened the chin strap tight enough and that they are not wearing a hat underneath the helmet
6) Helmet should be replaced if your child has hit a hard surface when wearing it, it loses it capacity to absorb shock
7) Helmets should not be worn at the playground or when climbing because the strap could get caught on something and result in choking
8) This may be the most important tip of all. Having your child help you pick out the helmet may make them more inclined to wear it.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
A Few Statistics about the Importance of Using a Bike Helmet
If you want your child to wear a bike helmet, you need to wear a bike helmet!
The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety reports that just under two percent of motor vehicle crash deaths are bicyclists. Ninety-one percent of bicyclists killed in 2008 reportedly weren't wearing helmets. The most serious injuries among a majority of those killed were to the head, highlighting the importance of wearing a bicycle helmet. Helmet use has been estimated to reduce head injury risk by 85 percent. Twenty-one states and the District of Columbia have helmet laws applying to young bicyclists; none of these laws applies to all riders. Whether your state has a law that applies to you and your child, you should always make sure that you both wear a helmet every time you’re riding. It may just save a life.
The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety reports that just under two percent of motor vehicle crash deaths are bicyclists. Ninety-one percent of bicyclists killed in 2008 reportedly weren't wearing helmets. The most serious injuries among a majority of those killed were to the head, highlighting the importance of wearing a bicycle helmet. Helmet use has been estimated to reduce head injury risk by 85 percent. Twenty-one states and the District of Columbia have helmet laws applying to young bicyclists; none of these laws applies to all riders. Whether your state has a law that applies to you and your child, you should always make sure that you both wear a helmet every time you’re riding. It may just save a life.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Words to reflect on
"Don't worry that children never listen to you, worry that they are always watching you."
- Robert Fulgham
Do as I say not as I do doesn't really work in today's society. I don't think it ever did work. Children are much more likely to do as you do and ignore what you say. So be sure that you are modeling the behavior that you want them to have.
- Robert Fulgham
Do as I say not as I do doesn't really work in today's society. I don't think it ever did work. Children are much more likely to do as you do and ignore what you say. So be sure that you are modeling the behavior that you want them to have.
Monday, November 15, 2010
What You Can Teach Your Child to Do If They are a Bystander
The role of the bystander in a bullying situation is vital to the bully. They are the audience and they provide the attention that the bully is seeking. If the bystander does not provide that attention, the bullying may stop. I think this group is the easiest to effect change with since there usually is no emotionally commitment attached to the bullying situation on the part of the bystanders. Make sure that you point out to your child the significant role that the bystander plays and how they can make the situation better just by reacting in a different way.
I hope that the following phrases become common place to all children when they find themselves playing the role of the bystander in a bullying situation: Speak Up, Speak To, Speak Out.
Speak up suggests to the bystander that they go seek out the nearest trusted adult if they see someone being bullied. I believe that bystanders should always go find a trusted adult when physical bullying is involved because if they step in and try to stop it they may be walking into something that they cannot control. Consider this scenario. A child comes upon a child beating up another child. They assess that the bully is smaller than they are and chooses to intervene. What happens if the bully has a weapon or has a black belt in karate. Now there are two people getting hurt and no one going for help. When discussing this with children, they can come up with all kinds of scenarios of their own. The one that most frequently comes up is: what if we are in the middle of nowhere when this fight occurs? My suggestion then becomes to keep a distance from the situation and utilize a distracting technique like shouting out “Look, a pink polka dotted elephant”. I know this sounds like a bizarre idea but sometimes a distraction like that breaks the trend of thought that was angering the bully and stops the behavior.
Speak to has the bystander attending to the victim after the bully leaves. A few carefully chosen words from a bystander can make all the difference with how the victim ends up feeling about the situation. Imagine the power of having someone come over to you after you’ve been bullied and asking if you’re alright and making sure that you know that they didn’t believe what the bully was saying. I have seen a victim go from hysterically crying to a huge smile just because of the words of a bystander. Pretty powerful stuff.
Speak out suggests that the bystander address the bully with a statement like “we don’t do that here” or “cut it out”. Be carefully to instill in your child that this is not to become some kind of shouting match between them and the bully, just a statement of fact. In the bullying situation, it is common for a bystander to come to the defense of the victim by bullying the bully. This is not the intent of Speak out. Be sure your child understands the somewhat subtle difference between these two.
Every bully prevention conference that I have attended and all the books that I have read on this subject have one thing in common. They all believe that the bystander is the most significant player in effecting change to the bullying situation. Educating your children about what they can do as the bystander, may go a long way in making your child’s environment safer.
I hope that the following phrases become common place to all children when they find themselves playing the role of the bystander in a bullying situation: Speak Up, Speak To, Speak Out.
Speak up suggests to the bystander that they go seek out the nearest trusted adult if they see someone being bullied. I believe that bystanders should always go find a trusted adult when physical bullying is involved because if they step in and try to stop it they may be walking into something that they cannot control. Consider this scenario. A child comes upon a child beating up another child. They assess that the bully is smaller than they are and chooses to intervene. What happens if the bully has a weapon or has a black belt in karate. Now there are two people getting hurt and no one going for help. When discussing this with children, they can come up with all kinds of scenarios of their own. The one that most frequently comes up is: what if we are in the middle of nowhere when this fight occurs? My suggestion then becomes to keep a distance from the situation and utilize a distracting technique like shouting out “Look, a pink polka dotted elephant”. I know this sounds like a bizarre idea but sometimes a distraction like that breaks the trend of thought that was angering the bully and stops the behavior.
Speak to has the bystander attending to the victim after the bully leaves. A few carefully chosen words from a bystander can make all the difference with how the victim ends up feeling about the situation. Imagine the power of having someone come over to you after you’ve been bullied and asking if you’re alright and making sure that you know that they didn’t believe what the bully was saying. I have seen a victim go from hysterically crying to a huge smile just because of the words of a bystander. Pretty powerful stuff.
Speak out suggests that the bystander address the bully with a statement like “we don’t do that here” or “cut it out”. Be carefully to instill in your child that this is not to become some kind of shouting match between them and the bully, just a statement of fact. In the bullying situation, it is common for a bystander to come to the defense of the victim by bullying the bully. This is not the intent of Speak out. Be sure your child understands the somewhat subtle difference between these two.
Every bully prevention conference that I have attended and all the books that I have read on this subject have one thing in common. They all believe that the bystander is the most significant player in effecting change to the bullying situation. Educating your children about what they can do as the bystander, may go a long way in making your child’s environment safer.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
In Our Children's Eye's, Our Behavior Speaks Much Louder than Our Words
Your children will see what you're all about by what you live rather than what you say.
-Wayne Dyer
Your children may not always be listening to what you are saying but they are always watching what you are doing. This is especially true about teenagers. Make sure you are setting an example that you want them to follow.
-Wayne Dyer
Your children may not always be listening to what you are saying but they are always watching what you are doing. This is especially true about teenagers. Make sure you are setting an example that you want them to follow.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
A Special Thanks to All Soldiers, Veterans and their Families
On a day like today, when we honor all soldiers and veterans for the sacrifices that they have made to make this country so great, I also want to send out a special thank you to their parents, spouses and chidren for the sacrifices that they have made. Hope you enjoy both of these two videos, they really tugged on my heart strings. They contain lessons that we can all learn from. Hopefully, you'll share them with your children.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2kX_3y3u5Uo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KTb6qdPu8JE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2kX_3y3u5Uo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KTb6qdPu8JE
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
A Bullying Quote
When a resolute young fellow steps up to the great bully, the world, and takes him boldly by the beard, he is often surprised to find it comes off in his hand, and that it was only tied on to scare away the timid adventurers.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Bullying: The Bully
If you are sitting there reading this because you have just come to the realization that your child is the bully, know that you are a very strong individual. Know that you are not alone in this realization and that many parents have had to face that reality over the years. When surveyed, over 30% of children surveyed reported that they had been the bully. Keep in mind that the figure is probably much higher. So when I stated that you are not alone, I wasn’t just trying to make you feel better.
In previous blogs, I indicated that there was not much that could be done to change a bully’s behavior. Much of my focus is on how to change the victim’s and the bystander’s behaviors which will in turn change the bully’s behavior. If I have not totally lost you yet with that explanation, here are some things that may assist you in helping your child.
There is good news, bullies typically are outstanding leaders. They have an uncanny ability to get people to do what they want. If you could redirect these leadership skills towards something more positive like community service, sports, or student government, this may all but eliminate the need that is filled by bullying.
Help them to develop empathy for others. Children, who can place themselves in the shoes of others and imagine what they would feel like if it were happening to them, are less likely to engage in bullying behaviors. This can be accomplished with dialogue about how a person in a television show may be feeling, or by modeling empathy for others in front of your children.
Often bullies choose bullying behaviors when they are angry. Help your child to develop anger management skills and they may not engage in bullying behaviors as often. I will be discussing anger management techniques in a separate posting because I feel that this topic deserves more attention than just a paragraph at the end of a blog posting.
I hope you realize that acknowledging that your child is a bully, is more than half the battle. Now is the time to do something help them to change their ways. With all the laws being passed to address bullying, if they don’t change their ways they may be facing serious consequences.
As always, contact us at ParentSharing@aol.com with anything you want to say, or "like" us on Facebook. Our podcast on "The Bully" is now live on iTunes, and on the player to the right of this blog. We'd also love your ideas on topics and guests for future interviews.
In previous blogs, I indicated that there was not much that could be done to change a bully’s behavior. Much of my focus is on how to change the victim’s and the bystander’s behaviors which will in turn change the bully’s behavior. If I have not totally lost you yet with that explanation, here are some things that may assist you in helping your child.
There is good news, bullies typically are outstanding leaders. They have an uncanny ability to get people to do what they want. If you could redirect these leadership skills towards something more positive like community service, sports, or student government, this may all but eliminate the need that is filled by bullying.
Help them to develop empathy for others. Children, who can place themselves in the shoes of others and imagine what they would feel like if it were happening to them, are less likely to engage in bullying behaviors. This can be accomplished with dialogue about how a person in a television show may be feeling, or by modeling empathy for others in front of your children.
Often bullies choose bullying behaviors when they are angry. Help your child to develop anger management skills and they may not engage in bullying behaviors as often. I will be discussing anger management techniques in a separate posting because I feel that this topic deserves more attention than just a paragraph at the end of a blog posting.
I hope you realize that acknowledging that your child is a bully, is more than half the battle. Now is the time to do something help them to change their ways. With all the laws being passed to address bullying, if they don’t change their ways they may be facing serious consequences.
As always, contact us at ParentSharing@aol.com with anything you want to say, or "like" us on Facebook. Our podcast on "The Bully" is now live on iTunes, and on the player to the right of this blog. We'd also love your ideas on topics and guests for future interviews.
New Podcast-Bullying: The Bully
Our latest podcast is live. Check it out on the player to the right, or download it from iTunes. You can e-mail us at ParentSharing@aol.com or check out "Parent Sharing" on Facebook and iTunes.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Bullying: The Victim (Part Two)
Earlier I stated that ignoring does not seem to work for most victims, but I am going to suggest that ignoring “with an attitude” is a very effective technique. It is all about the attitude, what your child is feeling and thinking inside their head that counts. We can help them make an attitude adjustment from taking what the bully is saying to heart to knowing that the bully does not know who they are. I often ask children, “who knows you best?” and I receive a variety of answers: Parents, best friends, teacher. Rarely do I get the correct answer. There are things about us that no one else knows but us. An understanding that the child knows themselves better than the bully knows them can help when trying to ignore what a bully is saying about them.
The difficulty comes in when there is an amount of truth to what the bully is saying. When I was young, people often made fun of how short I was. Since I currently am five foot two and I was the third shortest student in my class of almost eight hundred students, I am short. Developing a strong sense of self helped me realize that although I was short that was and is not all that I am. It does not define me, it is a tiny truth about me. If you can assist your child in reframing those things that they don’t like about themselves, it will take the power that the bully has over your child away. Help them to understand the little catch that they get in their chest when someone picks on them about something that they see as a shortcoming will probably not completely go away, but reframing it will limit the effect that the bully will have on them. Two additional things to consider when working with your children to learn to ignore a bully, no eye contact and be sure that they check their body language. The no eye contact is pretty obvious, however often times children’s body language tells the bully that they are paying attention to what is being said and the bully is getting to them. Assist your child in understanding that focusing on keeping their body relaxed will send the message to the bully that they are not listening.
Another technique to consider may be to encourage your child to use their words to let the bully know that they are hurting them. This may seem contradictory to what I previously said, but there are times that the bully doesn’t realize that they are doing anything wrong. This is most often true with younger children, and may only make the situation worse with an older bully. Do not push your child into confronting the bully. If they want to confront the bully, you may suggest that having a friend present may make the interaction go more smoothly.
Working with your child in advance on some witty comebacks to say when a bully picks on them may be helpful as well. Start by working with them to develop witty comebacks for those areas that they are prime targets to get picked on for. Suggest that they practice with you, and also practice in the mirror until they get the desired response prior to using them with the bully.
There is not one right way to help your child deal with bullying. Hopefully we’ve provided at least a starting point. As always you can contact us at ParentSharing@aol.com or through our blog with questions or for more information.
The difficulty comes in when there is an amount of truth to what the bully is saying. When I was young, people often made fun of how short I was. Since I currently am five foot two and I was the third shortest student in my class of almost eight hundred students, I am short. Developing a strong sense of self helped me realize that although I was short that was and is not all that I am. It does not define me, it is a tiny truth about me. If you can assist your child in reframing those things that they don’t like about themselves, it will take the power that the bully has over your child away. Help them to understand the little catch that they get in their chest when someone picks on them about something that they see as a shortcoming will probably not completely go away, but reframing it will limit the effect that the bully will have on them. Two additional things to consider when working with your children to learn to ignore a bully, no eye contact and be sure that they check their body language. The no eye contact is pretty obvious, however often times children’s body language tells the bully that they are paying attention to what is being said and the bully is getting to them. Assist your child in understanding that focusing on keeping their body relaxed will send the message to the bully that they are not listening.
Another technique to consider may be to encourage your child to use their words to let the bully know that they are hurting them. This may seem contradictory to what I previously said, but there are times that the bully doesn’t realize that they are doing anything wrong. This is most often true with younger children, and may only make the situation worse with an older bully. Do not push your child into confronting the bully. If they want to confront the bully, you may suggest that having a friend present may make the interaction go more smoothly.
Working with your child in advance on some witty comebacks to say when a bully picks on them may be helpful as well. Start by working with them to develop witty comebacks for those areas that they are prime targets to get picked on for. Suggest that they practice with you, and also practice in the mirror until they get the desired response prior to using them with the bully.
There is not one right way to help your child deal with bullying. Hopefully we’ve provided at least a starting point. As always you can contact us at ParentSharing@aol.com or through our blog with questions or for more information.
Bullying: The Victim (Part One)
A study recently reported that 60% of all children interviewed admitted that they had been bullied at one time or another. I think that the actual number is much closer to 100% than that (like probably 100%). In today’s society, when victims are lashing back with unspeakable acts of violence or suicide after years of being bullied, it is imperative that we teach our children a different way to deal with being bullied. Ignoring and pushing down the feelings isn’t working, it just allows the anger to build inside the victim until they can’t take it anymore. Teaching your child some methods of dealing with bullies and practicing these techniques with them through role play, may save lives. Help your child learn to be part of the solution, instead of part of the problem. All of these techniques will not be effective for your child, which is why the practice is so important. Help them find what works for them.
First and foremost, be sure that your child understands where the bully is coming from and what the bully is trying to achieve. It is important to help your child understand that one of the reasons bullies often lash out is because of their own insecurities. They may feel that by lowering others, they elevate themselves. Bullies often pick on things in others that they don’t like in themselves. Understanding where a bully is coming from may go a long way in eliminating the power that a bully has over your child. More on that in our blog about the bully.
Talking to a trusted adult or close friend may be helpful to your child. Letting them know that they can come to you about anything. Sometimes they just need a place to vent, and we as parents have a difficult time staying passive when our baby is telling us that someone is hurting them. They are not always looking for you to be their knight in shining armor; sometimes they are just in need of a sounding board. Knowing when you should just listen and when you need to take action may be difficult. Often direct intervention on your part may make the situation worse; your child may be seen as “a tattle tale” or something worse. Stop and think about what intervening will accomplish and whether this will make the situation better or worse. We are not telling you when to take action, that’s up to your judgment. Simply consider the ramifications for your child when you consider your options.
I believe that an empowered child is a happier child. Giving them ways to address a bullying situation may change their feelings about the situation from helplessness to empowerment. Anger management also offers tools which may help your child deal with bullying. We will discuss that in a future blog. In our next blog we will talk about helping your child prepare for direct contact with the bully.
Contact us through the blog, on Facebook, or at ParentSharing@aol.com for more information, or with specific comments, concerns or questions.
First and foremost, be sure that your child understands where the bully is coming from and what the bully is trying to achieve. It is important to help your child understand that one of the reasons bullies often lash out is because of their own insecurities. They may feel that by lowering others, they elevate themselves. Bullies often pick on things in others that they don’t like in themselves. Understanding where a bully is coming from may go a long way in eliminating the power that a bully has over your child. More on that in our blog about the bully.
Talking to a trusted adult or close friend may be helpful to your child. Letting them know that they can come to you about anything. Sometimes they just need a place to vent, and we as parents have a difficult time staying passive when our baby is telling us that someone is hurting them. They are not always looking for you to be their knight in shining armor; sometimes they are just in need of a sounding board. Knowing when you should just listen and when you need to take action may be difficult. Often direct intervention on your part may make the situation worse; your child may be seen as “a tattle tale” or something worse. Stop and think about what intervening will accomplish and whether this will make the situation better or worse. We are not telling you when to take action, that’s up to your judgment. Simply consider the ramifications for your child when you consider your options.
I believe that an empowered child is a happier child. Giving them ways to address a bullying situation may change their feelings about the situation from helplessness to empowerment. Anger management also offers tools which may help your child deal with bullying. We will discuss that in a future blog. In our next blog we will talk about helping your child prepare for direct contact with the bully.
Contact us through the blog, on Facebook, or at ParentSharing@aol.com for more information, or with specific comments, concerns or questions.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Bullying (an Introduction)
Today, bullying seems to be a very hot topic, even though it has probably been around since the time of the cavemen. Many states are passing laws to protect the victims and many news programs and newspapers are talking about bullying statistics. I believe the focus on this topic needs to change to one that is more proactive. Since many of the school shootings and violent acts are being committed by the victims, and not the bully, we need to take a different approach when talking to our children about being bullied. I believe the way to stopping this increase in violence is by educating our children on a better way to handle bullying. I will be addressing what you can teach your children to do differently as the bully, the bystander and the victim in separate postings. First, I think it is important to give our children a clear understanding of what bullying is and what it isn’t. Below is the widely accepted definition of bullying. I believe that many of these terms need to be defined for our children. I will define several of the terms in this definition and I suggest that you sit down with your children and do the same.
Bullying involves repeated acts of direct or indirect physical, verbal, or nonverbal behaviors that may include intentional hurting and an imbalance of power
Repeated acts mean that in order for there to be bullying, the behavior needs to be done over and over again
Direct bullying occurs when the bullying of the victim is done by the bullies themselves.
Indirect bullying occurs when the bully talks someone else into doing the bullying for them.
Physical bullying is the type of bullying we are most familiar with. This includes: hitting, kicking, shoving, spitting, and tripping.
Verbal bullying behaviors include: taunting, teasing, name calling, spreading rumors and threatening.
Non-verbal behaviors include – threatening or obscene gestures, deliberate exclusion from a group or activity, isolating, shunning, and cyberbullying.
Intentional hurting means that the bully intended the behavior to hurt the victim either physically or emotionally.
Imbalance of Power indicates that the bully is more “powerful” than the victim. This does not always mean bigger in stature, although that is the picture that comes to many of our minds when we think of a bully. This imbalance can also occur if the bully is perceived to be smarter than the victim, more athletic, or more popular.
In addition to giving your child a clear understanding of what constitutes bullying and what is just “messing around”, it is also important that your child understand the roles that each participant in a bullying situation plays in order for them to better handle these situations when they occur. There are three types of participants in the bullying situation: the bully, the victim and the bystander. Although it is the bully’s behavior that needs to be changed, the best way of effecting that change is by changing the behavior of the victim and the bystanders. This may seem strange to say, but as long as the bully is getting what they want from the situation, attention or control, they will continue to bully. If the victim and/or the bystanders do not have the desired response, the bully will stop bullying.
Future postings will specifically address what you can teach your children to do when they find themselves playing the role of the bully, the victim, or the bystander. Although, it is important to understand what is bullying and what is not bullying, it is a hundred times more important to help your child understand what to do in these situations that they will find themselves in.
Bullying involves repeated acts of direct or indirect physical, verbal, or nonverbal behaviors that may include intentional hurting and an imbalance of power
Repeated acts mean that in order for there to be bullying, the behavior needs to be done over and over again
Direct bullying occurs when the bullying of the victim is done by the bullies themselves.
Indirect bullying occurs when the bully talks someone else into doing the bullying for them.
Physical bullying is the type of bullying we are most familiar with. This includes: hitting, kicking, shoving, spitting, and tripping.
Verbal bullying behaviors include: taunting, teasing, name calling, spreading rumors and threatening.
Non-verbal behaviors include – threatening or obscene gestures, deliberate exclusion from a group or activity, isolating, shunning, and cyberbullying.
Intentional hurting means that the bully intended the behavior to hurt the victim either physically or emotionally.
Imbalance of Power indicates that the bully is more “powerful” than the victim. This does not always mean bigger in stature, although that is the picture that comes to many of our minds when we think of a bully. This imbalance can also occur if the bully is perceived to be smarter than the victim, more athletic, or more popular.
In addition to giving your child a clear understanding of what constitutes bullying and what is just “messing around”, it is also important that your child understand the roles that each participant in a bullying situation plays in order for them to better handle these situations when they occur. There are three types of participants in the bullying situation: the bully, the victim and the bystander. Although it is the bully’s behavior that needs to be changed, the best way of effecting that change is by changing the behavior of the victim and the bystanders. This may seem strange to say, but as long as the bully is getting what they want from the situation, attention or control, they will continue to bully. If the victim and/or the bystanders do not have the desired response, the bully will stop bullying.
Future postings will specifically address what you can teach your children to do when they find themselves playing the role of the bully, the victim, or the bystander. Although, it is important to understand what is bullying and what is not bullying, it is a hundred times more important to help your child understand what to do in these situations that they will find themselves in.
Don't Under-estimate the Influence that You Have on your Children
Your children are watching you. Observing how you handle tough situations, taking their cues from you. Try hard to model the behavior that you want them to have. "Do as I say, not as I do" does not work in today's society. I don't think it ever did.
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