Parenting Advice Coming From an Unexpected Parenting Duo...TomKat

All parents who are going through a divorce can learn a lesson from a surprising parenting pair: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.  My hats off to them for not allowing the dirty details of their divorce to be aired in the media eventhough the media is chomping at the bit to do just that.  They certainly have handled their divorce with Suri's best interest in mind.  Lessons to be learned here:  don't air your feelings about exe in front of the children, don't put your children in the middle, settling the terms of the divorce quickly is better for the children and be sure to share parenting decisions in a civil way.

Blended Families Can Promote Jealousy Among the Children

Today a 14 year old boy was conficted and sentenced in Pennsylvania for killing his stepmother-to-be and her unborn child when he was eleven.  Jealousy toward the unborn child was identified as the motive.  Although an arguement can be made that this was very extreme behavior on the part of this boy, the point is that blending a family together has an affect on children that needs to be addressed by both parent and step parent.  Give your child all the time that they need to get to know the future step parent before taking any move towards marriage.  It is also important for the stepparent-to-be to spend time alone with each of the children in order to cement in the mind of each of the children that they will still be a very important member of the family.  

Best practice is to include children in the discussion about a new addition to the family and how that new addition will be a joining of the two families.  Tying this family together forever.  If there is a new baby on the way already, make sure that each child knows that they will always hold a place in the family.  Individual time between each child and stepparent is vital in this situation.  Both before and especially after the birth of the baby.

A Bit of Advice for the Mother of the 7 Year Old Driver and Crystal Palin

The words of a 7 year old Michigan boy had for the policeman who pulled him over after he had driven his stepfather's car over twenty miles can be a lesson to parents everywhere about the affect divorce can have on the children. "He was crying and just kept saying he wanted to go to his dad's," Caseville Police Chief Jamie Learman told The Associated Press.

The message is clear for all parents who are having custody issues with their ex, the children are the ones who are hurt the most by your unkind words and actions. Even if your ex is the biggest loser of all time, you need to let your children come to that conclusion on their own.

Crystal Palin could really use to learn from this piece of advice after her recently released book called her child's father a "gnat". Even if every word that she wrote is the absolute truth, it is not going to do her relationship with her son any good once he is old enough to read it.

Reconnecting with Your Children Even If It Has Been a Long Time Since a Very Bitter Divorce

Is it too late to reconnect with your children after not seeing them for years due to a bitter divorce? The easy answer to this question is "no", but it is important to reaalize that this may not turn out to be the fairytale reunion that you are envisioning. There are some things that you are going to need to think about when getting ready to reconnect with your children. This decision is tied up with the emotions of several other people, so consider the idea of this reconnection carefully. Do you really want to reconnect or do you just want to briefly check in on them and then disappear from their lives again? If you are not in it for the long haul, please find another way to obtain the information that you are seeking. It was very hard for your children to deal with your abandonment years ago, and it would be extremely selfish of you to put them through it again just to fulfill your needs.

Another thing to consider is the age of your children. If they have not yet reached adulthood, you will need the approval of their guardian. Often times this will be your ex. Are you ready to reach out and talk to your ex? It probably will not be a warm and fuzzy discussion, as they were the ones who had to deal with the fallout when you left the first time. You will probably be met with strong resistance to this reunion. Even though you know that you have committed completely to this reunion, you will probable have an uphill battle convincing your ex of that. If you children are adults, you may also meet with resistance from them. Be ready to answer their questions about why now. They may think that you are only connecting with them because you need something from them. If this is the case, best to be honest about it.

Allow your children time to vent their anger towards you over your leaving. Do not try to convince them that it is not your fault or let them in on the whys about why you left, there will be time for that. At first just let them vent and let them know that you are listening to what they have to say. They may have a lot to work through before they are able to begin developing a relationship with you. Don't expect to fall right into the role of parent, I think the most that you can hope for is friendship. If your children end up deciding that they don't want to have a relationship with you at this time, let them know that its okay to decide that and that you will be there for them if they change their mind down the road.

Even if this does not work out the way you envisioned it, it is important to still make the attempt. Whether your reconnection ends in a new relationship or falls flat, it served a very important purpose. It allowed your children to get rid of some of the emotional baggage left over from their childhood.

A Few Words about Divorce and Adult Children

Don't forget that your adult children are still your children no matter how old they are. They will experience some of the same emotions that younger children experience in a divorce. Many parents lean on their adult children when there is a later life divorce. Eventhough they have a better idea of the true nature of their parents, don't forget that your ex is still their parent. Use restraint when venting to them.

Some Things to Consider When Developing a Visitation Schedule that Works for Your Family

There are a number of things that you must taken into consideration when developing a visitation plan. First and most importantly, you must consider whether there is a risk for abuse from your ex. If there is a risk of child abuse, the court can mandate either no visitation or supervised visitation. If the abuse is directed at you, the alternative may be to complete the child exchange in a public place or by a third party. If abuse is involved, I encourage you to seek assistance from the legal system when developing your visitation plan. In this case it is good to have it in writing.

Other things to consider when developing your visitation plan are: the activity schedule for you and your children, and parent's job constraints including hours worked and travel. If at all possible, schedule some time every once in a while when you all do something as a family, just to let your children know that you can still get together without all hell breaking loose. This will go a long way in preventing the children from playing you against each other to get what they want.

If you are having difficulty with either developing a visitation plan or one parent is not following through with the plan, there is some great software available to help out with this task. It allows you to develop the plan by inputting all of your information and provides you with several options to choose from for your family. You can also print a schedule for all parties. I believe that this can eliminate any confusion about whose day it is to have the children. Many times, I have sat wiping children's tears away when parents had gotten confused about whose turn it was to pick up the children. I believe that if these programs can prevent those tears from falling, they are well worth the money. Custodyxchange (which has an online component and a portion of it is a free download), Kidmate and
Custody Toolbox 2 by five o’clock software seem to all have good reviews.

A last thought about visitation. As the children get older, it is important to revisit your visitation schedule. Teenagers are busy developing their independance through activities and friends. They want to spend less time with their parents whether their parents are divorced or not. Try not to take this personally because it is a natural part of their development toward adulthood. Forcing them to maintain the visitation schedule that worked when they were young children may meet with much resistance.

Choices to Consider When Deciding on Custody

What the decision of child custody boils down to is, is sole custody or joint custody in the best interest of the children. Sounds simple when stated that way but it is one of the most important decisions that you will make in your marriage. Sole custody is the traditional and most popular choice, however joint custody is becoming more and more popular. Joint custody can be done a number of different ways. It can be managed by schoolyear and summer, month to month, half week here/half week there or children staying with one parent all the time with shared parental responsibility and decision making. In my school counseling experience, the children who had a half week here/half week there custody arrangement seemed to struggle with disorganization. Leaving there homework, books or things that they needed at their other house. When doing my research for the topic of child custody, I came across an interesting alternative for joint custody that I feel may work best for the children. Instead of having the children move from house to house, they stay in one place and the parents move. This may present the parents with some logistical problems to work out like where are they going to stay when they are not with their children. One option is to get one apartment for both of you to share which may be a little creepy. I think that I would be concerned that my ex was looking through my stuff. Another solution may be to stay with friends or family on your child free times. Although I found no research done on this option, I think it provides an interesting alternative to the better known joint custody options. If you are concerned about what this uprooting might due to you, consider what uprooting your child does to them.

Research suggests that there is no difference in the emotional well-being of the children with any of these choices. The only factor that research suggests affects your child's emotional well-being is the way their parents get along both during the divorce process and after the divorce. So the most important thing that you can do for your children when making this decision is to it amicably.

Do Custody Fights Really Need to Get so Nasty?

Some of the nastiest fights that I have ever seen have involved a custody dispute. Why is it that custody issues are some of the toughest and most vicious decisions to be made in a divorce? The choice should be easy since there are only a few options to choose from and usually one parent has already been doing the lion’s share of the parenting. The answer is simple, emotions get in the way. The bad feelings surrounding the pending divorce affect the ability to make a rational decision. Often times we find ourselves trying to get back at the other person, either consciously or unconsciously, by using the children as leverage. Being aware of these emotions may help you stay focused on what’s important to consider when making this decision, what’s in the best interest of the children. Even if only one of you stays focused on what’s important and checks your emotions at the door, you will make a better decision regarding custody.

The best people to make decisions about children are their parents. Often times it is the courts that are left to make these vital decisions for children because the parents are unable to come to an amiable decision. Before you allow a judge to make this decision, consider that they base their decision on the limited information that has been collected for them. You know your children best! You know what each of your children’s needs are, the strengths and weaknesses of both parents, and family schedules. Clearly the two of you are better prepared and more knowledgeable than the courts to make this life changing decision. Having said that, if you are unable to put your bad feelings aside this decision will be best left up to the judge.

Disciplining Your Children in a Divorce: Two Houses and Still Consistant

In a perfect world, your two houses would have the same rules and consequences for your children but that may be difficult since you can not control someone else's behavior. It is usually the parent who is not the custodial parent who is hesitant to set down rules. I don't think that the main reason they are doing this to get even with you, but because they don't want to be the bad guy in the little time they have with the children. Let's face it we all like to be liked, especially by our children. It is important to remember that parenting is not a popularity contest and that children need to have boundaries set for them. Consider that the other parent is missing out on some big milestones in the lives of their children and maybe you will be able to develop some empathy with regard to the position that they are in. These are some "whys" for the disipline being different at the two houses, but it is important for both of you to understand that it would be much better for the development of your children if the discipline was consistent. I encourage you to sit down with your ex and develop some ground rules for your children that both of you can live with. This would be a good time to express your empathy toward the situation that your ex finds themself in. By starting this conversation with empathy, instead of finger pointing, may just open the lines of communication enough to make some good parenting decisions together.

Children tend to take advantage of the situation when parents do not consistently discipline. They are much more likely to act up if they think they can get away with it even one time in ten. They also are very adept at playing parents against each other in a divorce. I suggest that you try to keeping the lines of communication between you and your ex wide open. Don't just assume that what your child is telling you is the absolute truth. Teenagers are especially good at pushing their parent's buttons about their ex. Open lines of communication, even if they are strained will prevent a lot of problems down the road with your children.

Divorce: How to Deal with the News of a New Wife or New Baby

When your ex starts out the discussion with “I have wonderful news”, first and foremost resist the urge to use a cattle prod. You know you want to. Be careful of your response, the eyes of your children are on you gauging your response. Any venting that you need to do should be done with your friends or family, far from the ears of your children.

Whether your ex has had all the contact in the world with your children, or doesn’t have anything to do with them, your response to the news of a new wife or baby should be the same. A quick “congratulations” to your ex and then begin dealing with the fallout. It would be nice if your ex had given you a warning before telling the children, but more often than not you find out from the children.

No matter how well adjusted your children are to the idea of the two of you being divorced; they are almost never ready to hear this news. There are two reasons for this. Often times, children hold on to the belief that their parents are going to get back together no matter how long you have been apart and a new family presents a major road block to this happening. In addition, they may feel that this new family is going to replace them, and in many instances that sadly is what happens. The best thing that you can do at this time is listen. Keep your feelings out of it and let your children come to terms with this news by letting them vent to you. Be Switzerland! Stay neutral on this topic when talking with your children. Answer their questions the best that you can. Sometimes the answer will be to tell your child that that is a question best answered by their other parent. If your child does not want to talk to the other parent about this issue, just continue to listen and guide them through their feelings. Be patient. Your children will come to terms with this news and so will you.

If you are the parent who is remarrying or having a baby, let your children know early on the event is going to happen. Springing this news on them is never good, no matter how old they are. A heads up to their other parent is a good idea, since they will need to deal with the fallout as well. My advice to you is after you tell them, listen to your children and answer all their questions honestly and in the best way that you can. Check your enthusiasm over the upcoming event at the door when having this discussion. Reassure them over and over again that they will always be a very important part of your life and that they are not being replaced. Don’t be disappointed if they are not as excited as you are. They may develop this excitement later but right now they are dealing with another major change to their life. As is human nature, their first response to this change will probably be to resist it. Be patient and make special time for just your children. This will reassure them that you are still going to be there for them, no matter who else becomes part of your life. It’s this reassurance that they are looking for from you, and keep in mind that actions speak louder than words.

A Child's Wish List for Their Parents When They Are Getting a DIvorce

1) Listen to what I have to say. I am feeling pretty confused and need you to reassure me that everything is going to be alright.

2) Keep my schedule as normal as possible. Many things are changing in my world and I need to know that somethings will stay the same.

3) Stop fighting with each other. Play nice. That's what you are always telling me to do.

4)I need you both to stay involved in my life. If you can't be with me because you live too far away, stay connected to me. Write, use skype, e-mail, or call.

5) Don't use me as a messenger.

6) Don't say mean things about each other. I don't want to take sides.

7) Don't get upset when I spend time with my other parent. I don't want to choose between you. I love you both and this really confuses and upsets me.

Is My Child's Reaction to the Divorce Normal or Is There Reason to be Concerned?

Most children whose families are going through a divorce feel some level of anxiety, anger and depression. Knowing when this is just a normal response on the part of your child or when you need to seek some outside help may make all the difference. Duration and intensity of the emotions are both important things for you to consider. If after a few months these emotions have not begun to lessen, it may be time to seek some professional help. Do not become alarmed if your child's emotions are intensifying because it may be due to other factors in their life like puberty. Better safe than sorry has always been my motto with regard to my own children, and I don't know anyone who wouldn't benefit from talking to an unbiased individual about what is bothering them.

Some specific things that you can be watching for that suggest that your child needs some professional help to deal with the changes that the divorce is making to their lives: talk of suicide, change in sleeping pattern, getting in to trouble at school, dropping grades, alcohol or drug use, withdrawal from loved ones or loved activities, violent outbursts, or self-injurious behaviors like cutting or thrill seeking.

It is important to remember that seeking some outside help for your child does not mean that you have failed as a parent, quite the opposite. A good parent provides their child with the things that they need to maintain a healthy, happy life.

Thoughts from Zig Ziglar's Son

I ran across this inspirational story as I was reading Zig Ziglar's Little Instructional Book. I thought that it fit into what I have been writing about. If you are struggling with the idea of getting a divorce, I hope that you will really take these words to heart. Some marriages are meant to end but I don't think that number is as high as our divorce rate.

The best thing that a parent can do for a child is to love his or her spouse. Zig Ziglar was walking with his fifteen year old son and he asked him, "If anyone should ask you what you liked best about your dad, what would you say?" He answered, "I'd say that the thing I like best about my dad is that he loves my mom." Zig then asked, "Why would you say that?" and he replied, "I know because you love mom you're going to treat her right and as long as you treat her right, we will always be a family. That means that I will never have to choose between you and mom.

Whether you have already divorced or are just considering it, I hope that you take these words to heart. Divorce does not have to mean that your children need to choose between their mom or their dad. What a difficult position to be in, to have to choose between the two people you love the most. Find a way, divorced or not, so your children are not in a position where they have to choose.

Helping Your Child Through the Emotional Rollercoaster of a Divorce

The best way to help your child through the emotional rollercoaster experience during a divorce, is to hold your tongue and not bad mouth their other parent no matter how rotten that person's behavior is. Even if the other parent abandons them or disappoints them over and over again, don't say anything bad about them in front of your child. Your child will resent you for saying something about it. Let them come to their own conclusions about their other parent. This may not happen as quickly as you would hope, but it will make for a much more peaceful relationship between you and your child. Make sure that you vent the anger that you have towards your ex with a friend, so that it does not surface in an unexpected way.

Being supportive of your child's connection with the other parent is a great way to help your child through this transition time. One of the things that children most fear about divorce is change. Keeping their relationship with the other parent as normal as possible will relieve much of the anxiety that they may be feeling. Some ideas that other families have used are: frequent visitations and phone calls, doing things as a family, letter or e-mail writing, and one of my personal favorites is the use of a webcam to share breakfast every morning. If the other parent has chosen to sever all ties with your child, this presents an obvious problem maintaining a connected feeling for your child. I suggest that if your child expresses a desire to stay connected with a parent who doesn't want to stay connected to them, that you suggest they keep a journal or a box of things that they want to share with their other parent. Let them know that the other parent is making a bad choice right now and that they may change their mind down the road. Even if you know that this is never going to happen, it's okay to have them do it anyway. The journal and box are not for your ex, they are for your child's peace of mind.

An activity that I have found to be helpful when working with children who are experiencing difficulties dealing with a divorce is a "Feelings Puzzle". I take a five to ten piece puzzle board made for young children and paint the frame and puzzle peices a solid color. On the front of the puzzle pieces I write a feeling that the child may be experiencing due to the divorce. Some examples of emotions that have made their way to my "Feelings Puzzle" are: sadness, loneliness, anger, happiness, fear, worry, guilt and confusion. On the frame portion of the puzzle under each puzzle peice I write some things that the child can do to help with the emotion that they are experiencing. For example under "lonely" I would write several suggestions on how to fight off loneliness. The words "alone time activities" and "staying connected to your parent" appear under my puzzle peice for lonely. I hope that these activities give the child a sense that there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. You know your child best, so use your knowledge of your child to come up with ideas for your puzzle. This puzzle can be used anytime that your child is feeling overwhelmed by their emotions.

Taking Care of Yourself During the Stressful Times Surrounding Divorce

It is very important that you take care of yourself during the stressful times before, during and after a divorce. Make sure that you are eating right. I know that often times when we are depressed, we don't feel like eating. It's important that you keep up your stregnth, eat whether you feel like it or not.

Surround yourself with a group of friends and family that love you to confide in. If there isn't anyone you feel comfortable talking to, or the people that you are looking to for support are not helping you in the way you need, consider getting some professional help. Seek a counselor through your insurance provider or through your church community. Do not give in to the urge to talk to your children about how you are feeling. Although this may help you with how you are feeling, it may be harmful to your child's well-being.

Stress can be both physically and mentally destructive. Manage your stress at this time by doing things that reduce your stress like meditation, deep breathing, drawing, journaling, listening to music or exercise. Find what works for you. Consider including your children when you are engaging in stress management activities, they're experiencing stress too.

Laughter is the best stress reducer. Because of the way that our brains work, it doesn't matter whether we are truly laughing or just faking it, the result is the same. I suggest that you look in the mirror and "pretend" laugh for one minute. The funny thing about pretend laughing in the mirror is that it typically ends in real laughter.

Some Ideas for Telling Your Children About A Upcoming Divorce or Separation

Tell your children about the upcoming divorce or separation is not going to be easy, but a little planning will be helpful. I suggest, that if possible both parents sit down and talk to the children. I know that I am asking something that seems impossible, but showing your children that you will have a united front with regard to parenting will be helpful. If the two of you can not sit down together without your emotions (especially anger) getting in the way, just one of you should do it.

When talking to your kids about this pending event, it is most important to talk as calmly as you possibly can and leave out any bashing of the other parent. I recommend that you do all your bashing with a trusted friend far from your children. I would even practice this talk with that trusted friend to make sure that your tone of voice and words do not reflect your negative feeling about your soon to be ex.

When having this talk, it is important to tell the truth. Make it simple and honest. No need to go into great detail, a simple "we aren't getting along anymore" will do. Older children may need a more detailed explanation. It is important to answer the questions that your children have about their living arrangements and visitation. Working this out with your ex before hand, if possible, will ease the transition for your children. The most important thing that you will need to do during this talk is to reassure your children that both of you still love them very much and that they did not do anything to cause this split. This is one time that sounding like a broken record will be beneficial. When receiving bad news, we don't always hear everything being said. Repeating "I Love You" and "It wasn't your fault" over and over will ensure that your children really do hear it.

A Child's Description of What It Feels Like to be Caught in the Middle

Today’s post is a story that I want to share with you. I am hoping that it will get you thinking about what putting children in the middle of a divorce does to them. I was counseling a Kindergartener several years ago who was continually acting out in class. She was throwing things, hitting students and not making any friends. Five year olds tend not to have the ability to vocalize what they are feeling so they tend to act out. One day when I was meeting with her, I asked her to show me what it felt like to be her. She lined up three bears in one of my chairs and one bear in another chair. Her father had remarried and had a baby, while her mother and she lived on their own. Placing herself in between the two chairs, she picked up a bear from each chair and began swaying from side to side. To me it looked as if the bears were playing tug of war with the little girl as the rope. I don’t think that I could describe what we do to our children when we put them in the middle of our divorce better, even if I used a thousand words. I hope this gets you thinking about what we are doing to our children when we put them in the middle of our divorce.

What Is Our Divorce Doing to Our Children--Through the Eyes of a Little Girl

Today’s post is a story that I want to share with you. I am hoping that it will get you thinking about what putting children in the middle of a divorce does to them. I was counseling a Kindergartener several years ago who was continually acting out in class. She was throwing things, hitting students and not making any friends. Five year olds tend not to have the ability to vocalize what they are feeling so they tend to act out. One day when I was meeting with her, I asked her to show me what it felt like to be her. She lined up three bears in one of my chairs and one bear in another chair. Her father had remarried and had a baby, while her mother and she lived on their own. Placing herself in between the two chairs, she picked up a bear from each chair and began swaying from side to side. To me it looked as if the bears were playing tug of war with her as the rope. I don’t think that I could describe what we do to our children when we put them in the middle of our divorce better, if I used a thousand words.

The Stats about Divorce and Our Children

Having counseled children whose parents had recently divorced, I believe that divorce should be a last resort rather than the "go to" when a marriage is having problems. I do not go as far as Dr. Laura who believes that unless there is abuse, you should stay in a marriage for the sake of the children. I believe that you should try counseling, and work on compromising to see if you can make things work first. I don't believe that staying in a bad marriage is any better for the children.

In today's society, we have begun to look at marriage as throw away. "When the going gets tough the tough get going" seems to be our motto in the United States in particular where the divorce rate is higher than any other place in the world. The rate has not quite reached the 50% rate that the media is reporting. According to enrichment journal on the divorce rates in America, the divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41%; the divorce rate in America for second marriage is 60%; the divorce rate in America for third marriage is 73%. According to discovery channel, couples with children have a slightly lower rate of divorce than childless couples.

A divorce increases children's risk for a variety of problems, though not all children who experience divorce have problems. Children of divorce are twice as likely as children living in nondivorced families to experience difficulties. Roughly 20% to 25% of these children will have problems, which means that 75% to 80% will not experience difficulties. Children of divorce are at greater risk for developing problems, but most will not have major problems.

The statistic suggest that divorce does not have to be devastating for our children. There are things that you can do as a parent to ensure your child's well being following a divorce. I will explore these ideas in detail in future blogs but want to focus in on one thing right now. Stop sharing all the details of your troubles with your former spouse with your child. This person is still your child's parent and sharing these things causes conflicting emotions in your child. Find a trusted friend or family member that you can vent your feelings to, but make sure that little ears aren't listening. If you do not have someone in your life that you feel comfortable enough to share your innermost thoughts with, then I would suggest that you seek a counselor who will assist you in making peace with your emotions about the divorce.

Helping Your Children Navigate Your Divorce

Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left.
-Jean Kerr

If we as adults feel this way when we are getting a divorce, just imagine how it must feel to our children. I will be doing a series of postings and podcasts about helping your children survive a divorce the best way that they can. I will include: activities that you can do with them to ease the transition, ideas on how to tell them about the divorce, thoughts about what to tell them if your ex is having a new baby with someone else, and some thoughts on how to maneuver custody and visitation. I will include interviews with parents who have teenage children who are trying to play both parents against each other and parents with younger children who are dealing with how their ex is treating their children. I hope that this information will help ease some of the fear and pain associated with divorce.