When your ex starts out the discussion with “I have wonderful news”, first and foremost resist the urge to use a cattle prod. You know you want to. Be careful of your response, the eyes of your children are on you gauging your response. Any venting that you need to do should be done with your friends or family, far from the ears of your children.
Whether your ex has had all the contact in the world with your children, or doesn’t have anything to do with them, your response to the news of a new wife or baby should be the same. A quick “congratulations” to your ex and then begin dealing with the fallout. It would be nice if your ex had given you a warning before telling the children, but more often than not you find out from the children.
No matter how well adjusted your children are to the idea of the two of you being divorced; they are almost never ready to hear this news. There are two reasons for this. Often times, children hold on to the belief that their parents are going to get back together no matter how long you have been apart and a new family presents a major road block to this happening. In addition, they may feel that this new family is going to replace them, and in many instances that sadly is what happens. The best thing that you can do at this time is listen. Keep your feelings out of it and let your children come to terms with this news by letting them vent to you. Be Switzerland! Stay neutral on this topic when talking with your children. Answer their questions the best that you can. Sometimes the answer will be to tell your child that that is a question best answered by their other parent. If your child does not want to talk to the other parent about this issue, just continue to listen and guide them through their feelings. Be patient. Your children will come to terms with this news and so will you.
If you are the parent who is remarrying or having a baby, let your children know early on the event is going to happen. Springing this news on them is never good, no matter how old they are. A heads up to their other parent is a good idea, since they will need to deal with the fallout as well. My advice to you is after you tell them, listen to your children and answer all their questions honestly and in the best way that you can. Check your enthusiasm over the upcoming event at the door when having this discussion. Reassure them over and over again that they will always be a very important part of your life and that they are not being replaced. Don’t be disappointed if they are not as excited as you are. They may develop this excitement later but right now they are dealing with another major change to their life. As is human nature, their first response to this change will probably be to resist it. Be patient and make special time for just your children. This will reassure them that you are still going to be there for them, no matter who else becomes part of your life. It’s this reassurance that they are looking for from you, and keep in mind that actions speak louder than words.
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