Some Things to Consider When Developing a Visitation Schedule that Works for Your Family

There are a number of things that you must taken into consideration when developing a visitation plan. First and most importantly, you must consider whether there is a risk for abuse from your ex. If there is a risk of child abuse, the court can mandate either no visitation or supervised visitation. If the abuse is directed at you, the alternative may be to complete the child exchange in a public place or by a third party. If abuse is involved, I encourage you to seek assistance from the legal system when developing your visitation plan. In this case it is good to have it in writing.

Other things to consider when developing your visitation plan are: the activity schedule for you and your children, and parent's job constraints including hours worked and travel. If at all possible, schedule some time every once in a while when you all do something as a family, just to let your children know that you can still get together without all hell breaking loose. This will go a long way in preventing the children from playing you against each other to get what they want.

If you are having difficulty with either developing a visitation plan or one parent is not following through with the plan, there is some great software available to help out with this task. It allows you to develop the plan by inputting all of your information and provides you with several options to choose from for your family. You can also print a schedule for all parties. I believe that this can eliminate any confusion about whose day it is to have the children. Many times, I have sat wiping children's tears away when parents had gotten confused about whose turn it was to pick up the children. I believe that if these programs can prevent those tears from falling, they are well worth the money. Custodyxchange (which has an online component and a portion of it is a free download), Kidmate and
Custody Toolbox 2 by five o’clock software seem to all have good reviews.

A last thought about visitation. As the children get older, it is important to revisit your visitation schedule. Teenagers are busy developing their independance through activities and friends. They want to spend less time with their parents whether their parents are divorced or not. Try not to take this personally because it is a natural part of their development toward adulthood. Forcing them to maintain the visitation schedule that worked when they were young children may meet with much resistance.

Helping Your Child Through the Emotional Rollercoaster of a Divorce

The best way to help your child through the emotional rollercoaster experience during a divorce, is to hold your tongue and not bad mouth their other parent no matter how rotten that person's behavior is. Even if the other parent abandons them or disappoints them over and over again, don't say anything bad about them in front of your child. Your child will resent you for saying something about it. Let them come to their own conclusions about their other parent. This may not happen as quickly as you would hope, but it will make for a much more peaceful relationship between you and your child. Make sure that you vent the anger that you have towards your ex with a friend, so that it does not surface in an unexpected way.

Being supportive of your child's connection with the other parent is a great way to help your child through this transition time. One of the things that children most fear about divorce is change. Keeping their relationship with the other parent as normal as possible will relieve much of the anxiety that they may be feeling. Some ideas that other families have used are: frequent visitations and phone calls, doing things as a family, letter or e-mail writing, and one of my personal favorites is the use of a webcam to share breakfast every morning. If the other parent has chosen to sever all ties with your child, this presents an obvious problem maintaining a connected feeling for your child. I suggest that if your child expresses a desire to stay connected with a parent who doesn't want to stay connected to them, that you suggest they keep a journal or a box of things that they want to share with their other parent. Let them know that the other parent is making a bad choice right now and that they may change their mind down the road. Even if you know that this is never going to happen, it's okay to have them do it anyway. The journal and box are not for your ex, they are for your child's peace of mind.

An activity that I have found to be helpful when working with children who are experiencing difficulties dealing with a divorce is a "Feelings Puzzle". I take a five to ten piece puzzle board made for young children and paint the frame and puzzle peices a solid color. On the front of the puzzle pieces I write a feeling that the child may be experiencing due to the divorce. Some examples of emotions that have made their way to my "Feelings Puzzle" are: sadness, loneliness, anger, happiness, fear, worry, guilt and confusion. On the frame portion of the puzzle under each puzzle peice I write some things that the child can do to help with the emotion that they are experiencing. For example under "lonely" I would write several suggestions on how to fight off loneliness. The words "alone time activities" and "staying connected to your parent" appear under my puzzle peice for lonely. I hope that these activities give the child a sense that there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. You know your child best, so use your knowledge of your child to come up with ideas for your puzzle. This puzzle can be used anytime that your child is feeling overwhelmed by their emotions.