Anger plays a large role in much of the bullying and violence that it is found in schools today. I believe that anger and jealousy is at the heart of much of what the bully is engaging in, and also the victim’s response after repeatedly being bullied. Teaching a few important facts about anger and several anger management skills will assist your child in better dealing with any anger that they experience.
It is important to let your child know that everyone gets angry, and that it is not the anger that gets them in trouble, but the behavior that they engage in when they are angry that gets them in trouble. In addition, your children should also understand that anger is cumulative and contagious. Cumulative is just a fancy way of saying it can build up. One thing happens to make your child angry, then another and another, followed by a seemingly small thing happening and your child explodes. Anger management techniques could be used to bring down the anger each time, resulting in no explosion. Contagious means that your child can catch anger from other people. Teaching them to stay away from people who when they are angry may help them to keep their cool more often.
Two anger management techniques that I like to teach children are: diaphragmatic breathing and counting to ten and back again. It is important that these be taught and modeled to your children in a very specific way. Do some research on how to properly do this type of breathing, if you don’t know how to do it already. With younger children I use the term balloon breathing to provide them with a better understanding about what their stomach should be doing. Older children may be more willing to learn this type of breathing if you let them know that it will assist them with playing sports or if they play some musical instruments. It is important when teaching your children to count to ten and back again that you stress with them that it is important to elongate the numbers as they are counting. If your child doesn’t want to count out loud, this technique works when doing it silently in your head as well.
Helping your child learn these few simple techniques may assist to keep them out of trouble in the present, but maybe more importantly throughout their lifetime.
Showing posts with label kids. Show all posts
Showing posts with label kids. Show all posts
Monday, November 29, 2010
Bullying-Anger Management Podcast
In the latest episode of Parent Sharing we move away from the direct bullying information and discuss anger management, and the ways that that may help in dealing with a bully. The information discussed in this podcast can be used in your everyday life, and not just in bully situations. Check it out on iTunes or in the player to the right. E-mail us at ParentSharing@aol.com
Monday, November 15, 2010
What You Can Teach Your Child to Do If They are a Bystander
The role of the bystander in a bullying situation is vital to the bully. They are the audience and they provide the attention that the bully is seeking. If the bystander does not provide that attention, the bullying may stop. I think this group is the easiest to effect change with since there usually is no emotionally commitment attached to the bullying situation on the part of the bystanders. Make sure that you point out to your child the significant role that the bystander plays and how they can make the situation better just by reacting in a different way.
I hope that the following phrases become common place to all children when they find themselves playing the role of the bystander in a bullying situation: Speak Up, Speak To, Speak Out.
Speak up suggests to the bystander that they go seek out the nearest trusted adult if they see someone being bullied. I believe that bystanders should always go find a trusted adult when physical bullying is involved because if they step in and try to stop it they may be walking into something that they cannot control. Consider this scenario. A child comes upon a child beating up another child. They assess that the bully is smaller than they are and chooses to intervene. What happens if the bully has a weapon or has a black belt in karate. Now there are two people getting hurt and no one going for help. When discussing this with children, they can come up with all kinds of scenarios of their own. The one that most frequently comes up is: what if we are in the middle of nowhere when this fight occurs? My suggestion then becomes to keep a distance from the situation and utilize a distracting technique like shouting out “Look, a pink polka dotted elephant”. I know this sounds like a bizarre idea but sometimes a distraction like that breaks the trend of thought that was angering the bully and stops the behavior.
Speak to has the bystander attending to the victim after the bully leaves. A few carefully chosen words from a bystander can make all the difference with how the victim ends up feeling about the situation. Imagine the power of having someone come over to you after you’ve been bullied and asking if you’re alright and making sure that you know that they didn’t believe what the bully was saying. I have seen a victim go from hysterically crying to a huge smile just because of the words of a bystander. Pretty powerful stuff.
Speak out suggests that the bystander address the bully with a statement like “we don’t do that here” or “cut it out”. Be carefully to instill in your child that this is not to become some kind of shouting match between them and the bully, just a statement of fact. In the bullying situation, it is common for a bystander to come to the defense of the victim by bullying the bully. This is not the intent of Speak out. Be sure your child understands the somewhat subtle difference between these two.
Every bully prevention conference that I have attended and all the books that I have read on this subject have one thing in common. They all believe that the bystander is the most significant player in effecting change to the bullying situation. Educating your children about what they can do as the bystander, may go a long way in making your child’s environment safer.
I hope that the following phrases become common place to all children when they find themselves playing the role of the bystander in a bullying situation: Speak Up, Speak To, Speak Out.
Speak up suggests to the bystander that they go seek out the nearest trusted adult if they see someone being bullied. I believe that bystanders should always go find a trusted adult when physical bullying is involved because if they step in and try to stop it they may be walking into something that they cannot control. Consider this scenario. A child comes upon a child beating up another child. They assess that the bully is smaller than they are and chooses to intervene. What happens if the bully has a weapon or has a black belt in karate. Now there are two people getting hurt and no one going for help. When discussing this with children, they can come up with all kinds of scenarios of their own. The one that most frequently comes up is: what if we are in the middle of nowhere when this fight occurs? My suggestion then becomes to keep a distance from the situation and utilize a distracting technique like shouting out “Look, a pink polka dotted elephant”. I know this sounds like a bizarre idea but sometimes a distraction like that breaks the trend of thought that was angering the bully and stops the behavior.
Speak to has the bystander attending to the victim after the bully leaves. A few carefully chosen words from a bystander can make all the difference with how the victim ends up feeling about the situation. Imagine the power of having someone come over to you after you’ve been bullied and asking if you’re alright and making sure that you know that they didn’t believe what the bully was saying. I have seen a victim go from hysterically crying to a huge smile just because of the words of a bystander. Pretty powerful stuff.
Speak out suggests that the bystander address the bully with a statement like “we don’t do that here” or “cut it out”. Be carefully to instill in your child that this is not to become some kind of shouting match between them and the bully, just a statement of fact. In the bullying situation, it is common for a bystander to come to the defense of the victim by bullying the bully. This is not the intent of Speak out. Be sure your child understands the somewhat subtle difference between these two.
Every bully prevention conference that I have attended and all the books that I have read on this subject have one thing in common. They all believe that the bystander is the most significant player in effecting change to the bullying situation. Educating your children about what they can do as the bystander, may go a long way in making your child’s environment safer.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
A Special Thanks to All Soldiers, Veterans and their Families
On a day like today, when we honor all soldiers and veterans for the sacrifices that they have made to make this country so great, I also want to send out a special thank you to their parents, spouses and chidren for the sacrifices that they have made. Hope you enjoy both of these two videos, they really tugged on my heart strings. They contain lessons that we can all learn from. Hopefully, you'll share them with your children.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2kX_3y3u5Uo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KTb6qdPu8JE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2kX_3y3u5Uo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KTb6qdPu8JE
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
A Bullying Quote
When a resolute young fellow steps up to the great bully, the world, and takes him boldly by the beard, he is often surprised to find it comes off in his hand, and that it was only tied on to scare away the timid adventurers.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Bullying: The Bully
If you are sitting there reading this because you have just come to the realization that your child is the bully, know that you are a very strong individual. Know that you are not alone in this realization and that many parents have had to face that reality over the years. When surveyed, over 30% of children surveyed reported that they had been the bully. Keep in mind that the figure is probably much higher. So when I stated that you are not alone, I wasn’t just trying to make you feel better.
In previous blogs, I indicated that there was not much that could be done to change a bully’s behavior. Much of my focus is on how to change the victim’s and the bystander’s behaviors which will in turn change the bully’s behavior. If I have not totally lost you yet with that explanation, here are some things that may assist you in helping your child.
There is good news, bullies typically are outstanding leaders. They have an uncanny ability to get people to do what they want. If you could redirect these leadership skills towards something more positive like community service, sports, or student government, this may all but eliminate the need that is filled by bullying.
Help them to develop empathy for others. Children, who can place themselves in the shoes of others and imagine what they would feel like if it were happening to them, are less likely to engage in bullying behaviors. This can be accomplished with dialogue about how a person in a television show may be feeling, or by modeling empathy for others in front of your children.
Often bullies choose bullying behaviors when they are angry. Help your child to develop anger management skills and they may not engage in bullying behaviors as often. I will be discussing anger management techniques in a separate posting because I feel that this topic deserves more attention than just a paragraph at the end of a blog posting.
I hope you realize that acknowledging that your child is a bully, is more than half the battle. Now is the time to do something help them to change their ways. With all the laws being passed to address bullying, if they don’t change their ways they may be facing serious consequences.
As always, contact us at ParentSharing@aol.com with anything you want to say, or "like" us on Facebook. Our podcast on "The Bully" is now live on iTunes, and on the player to the right of this blog. We'd also love your ideas on topics and guests for future interviews.
In previous blogs, I indicated that there was not much that could be done to change a bully’s behavior. Much of my focus is on how to change the victim’s and the bystander’s behaviors which will in turn change the bully’s behavior. If I have not totally lost you yet with that explanation, here are some things that may assist you in helping your child.
There is good news, bullies typically are outstanding leaders. They have an uncanny ability to get people to do what they want. If you could redirect these leadership skills towards something more positive like community service, sports, or student government, this may all but eliminate the need that is filled by bullying.
Help them to develop empathy for others. Children, who can place themselves in the shoes of others and imagine what they would feel like if it were happening to them, are less likely to engage in bullying behaviors. This can be accomplished with dialogue about how a person in a television show may be feeling, or by modeling empathy for others in front of your children.
Often bullies choose bullying behaviors when they are angry. Help your child to develop anger management skills and they may not engage in bullying behaviors as often. I will be discussing anger management techniques in a separate posting because I feel that this topic deserves more attention than just a paragraph at the end of a blog posting.
I hope you realize that acknowledging that your child is a bully, is more than half the battle. Now is the time to do something help them to change their ways. With all the laws being passed to address bullying, if they don’t change their ways they may be facing serious consequences.
As always, contact us at ParentSharing@aol.com with anything you want to say, or "like" us on Facebook. Our podcast on "The Bully" is now live on iTunes, and on the player to the right of this blog. We'd also love your ideas on topics and guests for future interviews.
New Podcast-Bullying: The Bully
Our latest podcast is live. Check it out on the player to the right, or download it from iTunes. You can e-mail us at ParentSharing@aol.com or check out "Parent Sharing" on Facebook and iTunes.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Bullying: The Victim (Part One)
A study recently reported that 60% of all children interviewed admitted that they had been bullied at one time or another. I think that the actual number is much closer to 100% than that (like probably 100%). In today’s society, when victims are lashing back with unspeakable acts of violence or suicide after years of being bullied, it is imperative that we teach our children a different way to deal with being bullied. Ignoring and pushing down the feelings isn’t working, it just allows the anger to build inside the victim until they can’t take it anymore. Teaching your child some methods of dealing with bullies and practicing these techniques with them through role play, may save lives. Help your child learn to be part of the solution, instead of part of the problem. All of these techniques will not be effective for your child, which is why the practice is so important. Help them find what works for them.
First and foremost, be sure that your child understands where the bully is coming from and what the bully is trying to achieve. It is important to help your child understand that one of the reasons bullies often lash out is because of their own insecurities. They may feel that by lowering others, they elevate themselves. Bullies often pick on things in others that they don’t like in themselves. Understanding where a bully is coming from may go a long way in eliminating the power that a bully has over your child. More on that in our blog about the bully.
Talking to a trusted adult or close friend may be helpful to your child. Letting them know that they can come to you about anything. Sometimes they just need a place to vent, and we as parents have a difficult time staying passive when our baby is telling us that someone is hurting them. They are not always looking for you to be their knight in shining armor; sometimes they are just in need of a sounding board. Knowing when you should just listen and when you need to take action may be difficult. Often direct intervention on your part may make the situation worse; your child may be seen as “a tattle tale” or something worse. Stop and think about what intervening will accomplish and whether this will make the situation better or worse. We are not telling you when to take action, that’s up to your judgment. Simply consider the ramifications for your child when you consider your options.
I believe that an empowered child is a happier child. Giving them ways to address a bullying situation may change their feelings about the situation from helplessness to empowerment. Anger management also offers tools which may help your child deal with bullying. We will discuss that in a future blog. In our next blog we will talk about helping your child prepare for direct contact with the bully.
Contact us through the blog, on Facebook, or at ParentSharing@aol.com for more information, or with specific comments, concerns or questions.
First and foremost, be sure that your child understands where the bully is coming from and what the bully is trying to achieve. It is important to help your child understand that one of the reasons bullies often lash out is because of their own insecurities. They may feel that by lowering others, they elevate themselves. Bullies often pick on things in others that they don’t like in themselves. Understanding where a bully is coming from may go a long way in eliminating the power that a bully has over your child. More on that in our blog about the bully.
Talking to a trusted adult or close friend may be helpful to your child. Letting them know that they can come to you about anything. Sometimes they just need a place to vent, and we as parents have a difficult time staying passive when our baby is telling us that someone is hurting them. They are not always looking for you to be their knight in shining armor; sometimes they are just in need of a sounding board. Knowing when you should just listen and when you need to take action may be difficult. Often direct intervention on your part may make the situation worse; your child may be seen as “a tattle tale” or something worse. Stop and think about what intervening will accomplish and whether this will make the situation better or worse. We are not telling you when to take action, that’s up to your judgment. Simply consider the ramifications for your child when you consider your options.
I believe that an empowered child is a happier child. Giving them ways to address a bullying situation may change their feelings about the situation from helplessness to empowerment. Anger management also offers tools which may help your child deal with bullying. We will discuss that in a future blog. In our next blog we will talk about helping your child prepare for direct contact with the bully.
Contact us through the blog, on Facebook, or at ParentSharing@aol.com for more information, or with specific comments, concerns or questions.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Bullying (an Introduction)
Today, bullying seems to be a very hot topic, even though it has probably been around since the time of the cavemen. Many states are passing laws to protect the victims and many news programs and newspapers are talking about bullying statistics. I believe the focus on this topic needs to change to one that is more proactive. Since many of the school shootings and violent acts are being committed by the victims, and not the bully, we need to take a different approach when talking to our children about being bullied. I believe the way to stopping this increase in violence is by educating our children on a better way to handle bullying. I will be addressing what you can teach your children to do differently as the bully, the bystander and the victim in separate postings. First, I think it is important to give our children a clear understanding of what bullying is and what it isn’t. Below is the widely accepted definition of bullying. I believe that many of these terms need to be defined for our children. I will define several of the terms in this definition and I suggest that you sit down with your children and do the same.
Bullying involves repeated acts of direct or indirect physical, verbal, or nonverbal behaviors that may include intentional hurting and an imbalance of power
Repeated acts mean that in order for there to be bullying, the behavior needs to be done over and over again
Direct bullying occurs when the bullying of the victim is done by the bullies themselves.
Indirect bullying occurs when the bully talks someone else into doing the bullying for them.
Physical bullying is the type of bullying we are most familiar with. This includes: hitting, kicking, shoving, spitting, and tripping.
Verbal bullying behaviors include: taunting, teasing, name calling, spreading rumors and threatening.
Non-verbal behaviors include – threatening or obscene gestures, deliberate exclusion from a group or activity, isolating, shunning, and cyberbullying.
Intentional hurting means that the bully intended the behavior to hurt the victim either physically or emotionally.
Imbalance of Power indicates that the bully is more “powerful” than the victim. This does not always mean bigger in stature, although that is the picture that comes to many of our minds when we think of a bully. This imbalance can also occur if the bully is perceived to be smarter than the victim, more athletic, or more popular.
In addition to giving your child a clear understanding of what constitutes bullying and what is just “messing around”, it is also important that your child understand the roles that each participant in a bullying situation plays in order for them to better handle these situations when they occur. There are three types of participants in the bullying situation: the bully, the victim and the bystander. Although it is the bully’s behavior that needs to be changed, the best way of effecting that change is by changing the behavior of the victim and the bystanders. This may seem strange to say, but as long as the bully is getting what they want from the situation, attention or control, they will continue to bully. If the victim and/or the bystanders do not have the desired response, the bully will stop bullying.
Future postings will specifically address what you can teach your children to do when they find themselves playing the role of the bully, the victim, or the bystander. Although, it is important to understand what is bullying and what is not bullying, it is a hundred times more important to help your child understand what to do in these situations that they will find themselves in.
Bullying involves repeated acts of direct or indirect physical, verbal, or nonverbal behaviors that may include intentional hurting and an imbalance of power
Repeated acts mean that in order for there to be bullying, the behavior needs to be done over and over again
Direct bullying occurs when the bullying of the victim is done by the bullies themselves.
Indirect bullying occurs when the bully talks someone else into doing the bullying for them.
Physical bullying is the type of bullying we are most familiar with. This includes: hitting, kicking, shoving, spitting, and tripping.
Verbal bullying behaviors include: taunting, teasing, name calling, spreading rumors and threatening.
Non-verbal behaviors include – threatening or obscene gestures, deliberate exclusion from a group or activity, isolating, shunning, and cyberbullying.
Intentional hurting means that the bully intended the behavior to hurt the victim either physically or emotionally.
Imbalance of Power indicates that the bully is more “powerful” than the victim. This does not always mean bigger in stature, although that is the picture that comes to many of our minds when we think of a bully. This imbalance can also occur if the bully is perceived to be smarter than the victim, more athletic, or more popular.
In addition to giving your child a clear understanding of what constitutes bullying and what is just “messing around”, it is also important that your child understand the roles that each participant in a bullying situation plays in order for them to better handle these situations when they occur. There are three types of participants in the bullying situation: the bully, the victim and the bystander. Although it is the bully’s behavior that needs to be changed, the best way of effecting that change is by changing the behavior of the victim and the bystanders. This may seem strange to say, but as long as the bully is getting what they want from the situation, attention or control, they will continue to bully. If the victim and/or the bystanders do not have the desired response, the bully will stop bullying.
Future postings will specifically address what you can teach your children to do when they find themselves playing the role of the bully, the victim, or the bystander. Although, it is important to understand what is bullying and what is not bullying, it is a hundred times more important to help your child understand what to do in these situations that they will find themselves in.
Don't Under-estimate the Influence that You Have on your Children
Your children are watching you. Observing how you handle tough situations, taking their cues from you. Try hard to model the behavior that you want them to have. "Do as I say, not as I do" does not work in today's society. I don't think it ever did.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Bullying-The Victim
Our latest podcast has been uploaded. It is the second in our series on bullying. Be sure to check them both out on the right hand side of the page, or download them on iTunes. We will have blog postings on Bullying coming shortly.
If you have any feedback, questions, comments, concerns, or show idea (including if you are interested in being a guest of the show) please contact us at ParentSharing@aol.com, at "Parent Sharing" on Facebook, or by commenting on this blog.
If you have any feedback, questions, comments, concerns, or show idea (including if you are interested in being a guest of the show) please contact us at ParentSharing@aol.com, at "Parent Sharing" on Facebook, or by commenting on this blog.
How Peers Influence our Children
There comes a time in every parent's life that they are no longer the center of their child's world. Chiildren begin listening to what their peers are telling them and not what you are saying. Being involved early on in helping your children with picking out friends can save you a lot of headaches when this time arrives. In addition, I suggest that you meet your children's friends and if possible their parents. This may give you some presence in your child's life at a time when they are doing everything they can to rebel against your beliefs and rules.
Hope this gives you some peace of mind, the teen years will end and it does get a little better as they approach the driving years and you have control over the keys to the car.
Hope this gives you some peace of mind, the teen years will end and it does get a little better as they approach the driving years and you have control over the keys to the car.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Television and Movies Influence our Children
Often times we as parents are so busy that we will use t.v. or movies as a way of occupying our children. I know that I did this many times when my children were young, just to keep them out of my hair when I had to get things done. Today, we feel safe with the rating system and television stations that are promoted as "Kid Friendly" or the "Family Channel" that our children are watching age appropriate movies and shows. In the past few months, I have seen several examples in the news that rattles my belief that these systems that are in place provide enough of a filter for our children. I believe we need to monitor what are children are watching more closely when movies like "Fred the Movie" air on a kid friendly station. This movie was about a teenage boy who appeared to be stalking a young girl that he liked. In addition, he used many terms so close to swear words that we had to put on closed caption to make sure that they weren't swearing. Also, the Katy Perry appearance that was scheduled to air on Sesame Street and was pulled because of parents' outcries.
Having said this, I also feel it is important to not shelter our chldren too much from the things that go on in the real world because they will not be prepared to deal with them when they come up in their lives. Difficult balance to find. I believe that viewing these shows with your children may provide that balance. Allowing you the opportunity to open those lines of communication on the tough issues. You get to hear what they are thinking and they get to hear your views.
Having said this, I also feel it is important to not shelter our chldren too much from the things that go on in the real world because they will not be prepared to deal with them when they come up in their lives. Difficult balance to find. I believe that viewing these shows with your children may provide that balance. Allowing you the opportunity to open those lines of communication on the tough issues. You get to hear what they are thinking and they get to hear your views.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Influence of Music on our Children
Music and its lyrics can have a profound influence on our children. I have heard songs on the radio that promote violent behavior against women, killing, rape and bad language. I am not sure that anyone should be listening to that type of music, let alone our children. Fortunately, cds now carry a rating sysem which assist parents in determining whether the music is age appropriate for your children. I realize that this rating system is only a guide for parents, and you need to exercise your own judgement when choosing to allow your children to listen to music.
Responsibility
If you want your child to except responsibility for their actions and mistakes, accept responsibilityfor yours (especially difficult to do if you have to admit you made a mistake with them).
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Potty Training: Sorting the Good Advice from the Downright Bizarre
Few things frighten parents more than the task of potty training. Everyone in your life is offering advice about how to go about doing this task, even those who have never actually done it before. Trying to sort through all of this advice, can turn into a daunting task. Rule out the advice that seems too bizarre to believe and try to come up with a plan of action before you begin. At this time I am going to add my two cents to all the advice that you are collecting. I have been involved in potty training seven children: two of my own and five in the school system, so at least I have some experience to draw on.
The first thing that I hope you are considering before undertaking this task, is that your child has begun to show signs that they are ready to be trained. If they are noticing that their diaper is wet and are hiding behind chairs when they are having a bowel movement, they are showing signs of an awareness of these body functions. If they aren’t. I would like you to consider that they are not ready yet. Rushing them into something that they are not ready for will cause them to become frustrated and just give you headaches. I would like to suggest that if your neighbor who is telling you that their child was potty trained by twelve months, that it wasn’t so much that the child was trained but the parent who was trained. In this instance maybe it is not so great to be keeping up with the Joneses.
Some thoughts about potty chairs that stand alone versus potty seats that attach to the toilet. Potty chairs are the right height for little ones to go on their own and many play music or have some built in reinforcer, however they need to be cleaned out. Potty seats do not need to be cleaned since they connect right to the toilet, and prepares child for an easy transition to the toilet itself, however it sit’s a little high for little ones to get on alone.
Whether you choose a method that trains in one day which has you taking your child to the bathroom every half hour to hour in order to catch them ready to go, or whether you choose a method that has your child letting you know when they want to use the toilet, I believe that positive reinforcers are key to making any training much easier. Reinforcers should be something only offered for going to the bathroom, be something that your child really wants and provides immediate gratification. Some possible reinforcers: food, candy, or stickers.
Boys present some additional challenges when training them. They may want to stand like daddy does and often even older boys have trouble hitting the mark. When training my own son, I encouraged him to sit backwards on the toilet by telling him it was like riding a horse. This way it was an easy transition to standing when the time and his height were right. Learn from my experience, be sure to teach your son to point his penis down, unless you are hoping to shower the bathroom with pee. This seems to be a problem for boys no matter what their age. A friend of mine who had a household filled with males, addressed this issue by painting a bull’s eye inside her toilet when she got tired of having to clean up around the toilet. Another friend dropped cheerios in her toilet to help with her son’s aim. I am not so sure about using food in the toilet for young children, as they may reach down and try to eat them.
No matter how you choose to train your child, making sure they’re ready will help eliminate frustration, but there will be setbacks and accidents. Don’t shame or yell at your child over accidents, it will only make things worse. Good luck!
The first thing that I hope you are considering before undertaking this task, is that your child has begun to show signs that they are ready to be trained. If they are noticing that their diaper is wet and are hiding behind chairs when they are having a bowel movement, they are showing signs of an awareness of these body functions. If they aren’t. I would like you to consider that they are not ready yet. Rushing them into something that they are not ready for will cause them to become frustrated and just give you headaches. I would like to suggest that if your neighbor who is telling you that their child was potty trained by twelve months, that it wasn’t so much that the child was trained but the parent who was trained. In this instance maybe it is not so great to be keeping up with the Joneses.
Some thoughts about potty chairs that stand alone versus potty seats that attach to the toilet. Potty chairs are the right height for little ones to go on their own and many play music or have some built in reinforcer, however they need to be cleaned out. Potty seats do not need to be cleaned since they connect right to the toilet, and prepares child for an easy transition to the toilet itself, however it sit’s a little high for little ones to get on alone.
Whether you choose a method that trains in one day which has you taking your child to the bathroom every half hour to hour in order to catch them ready to go, or whether you choose a method that has your child letting you know when they want to use the toilet, I believe that positive reinforcers are key to making any training much easier. Reinforcers should be something only offered for going to the bathroom, be something that your child really wants and provides immediate gratification. Some possible reinforcers: food, candy, or stickers.
Boys present some additional challenges when training them. They may want to stand like daddy does and often even older boys have trouble hitting the mark. When training my own son, I encouraged him to sit backwards on the toilet by telling him it was like riding a horse. This way it was an easy transition to standing when the time and his height were right. Learn from my experience, be sure to teach your son to point his penis down, unless you are hoping to shower the bathroom with pee. This seems to be a problem for boys no matter what their age. A friend of mine who had a household filled with males, addressed this issue by painting a bull’s eye inside her toilet when she got tired of having to clean up around the toilet. Another friend dropped cheerios in her toilet to help with her son’s aim. I am not so sure about using food in the toilet for young children, as they may reach down and try to eat them.
No matter how you choose to train your child, making sure they’re ready will help eliminate frustration, but there will be setbacks and accidents. Don’t shame or yell at your child over accidents, it will only make things worse. Good luck!
Afterschool Activities
When considering activities for your child, it is important consider that we all want to raise balanced children. In order to raise a balanced child, they need to have lived a balanced life. My recommendation is to limit your child’s after school activities to no more than two or three days a week. I believe that this will leave your child enough time to just be a kid, while they are still a kid and can enjoy that. Children learn many of their life lessons through their play, so it is imperative that you give them time to play. In addition to these valuable lessons, there will be many opportunities to have teachable moments with your child about winning and losing, and success and failures. What better way to prepare them for what lies ahead of them in the "real" world.
If your child is extremely talented at a sport and you think that they are headed to the Olympics or to a professional career, that may require a much larger commitment. Be sure that your expectation of athletic greatness is based in reality, before making this kind of commitment with your child. It will be a commitment for both of you and statistically this level of athlete comes along very infrequently.
After school activities are extremely important for your child to participate in. It teaches practical lessons in areas that talking to your children alone can not begin to teach. It helps them to develop a sense of good sportsmanship, builds confidence, teaches responsibility and teamwork, all for the price of one or two nights a week. Finding the right activity or activities for your child may take some time, and I know it did with my own children. Each tried soccer, t-ball, scouts, gymnastics before they both settled on karate. We insisted that they stuck with an activity for an entire season, for two reasons. First, we wanted them to make sure whether this was the right activity for them and that takes more than one or two days to make that type of decision. Secondly, we wanted to be sure to instill in our children that when you commit to something, people count on you to follow through and it wouldn’t b right to quit halfway through, leaving your teammates in a lurch.
My parting word of wisdom on the topic of after school activities has to be BALANCE. Without a balanced life, we raise “lop-sided” children.
If your child is extremely talented at a sport and you think that they are headed to the Olympics or to a professional career, that may require a much larger commitment. Be sure that your expectation of athletic greatness is based in reality, before making this kind of commitment with your child. It will be a commitment for both of you and statistically this level of athlete comes along very infrequently.
After school activities are extremely important for your child to participate in. It teaches practical lessons in areas that talking to your children alone can not begin to teach. It helps them to develop a sense of good sportsmanship, builds confidence, teaches responsibility and teamwork, all for the price of one or two nights a week. Finding the right activity or activities for your child may take some time, and I know it did with my own children. Each tried soccer, t-ball, scouts, gymnastics before they both settled on karate. We insisted that they stuck with an activity for an entire season, for two reasons. First, we wanted them to make sure whether this was the right activity for them and that takes more than one or two days to make that type of decision. Secondly, we wanted to be sure to instill in our children that when you commit to something, people count on you to follow through and it wouldn’t b right to quit halfway through, leaving your teammates in a lurch.
My parting word of wisdom on the topic of after school activities has to be BALANCE. Without a balanced life, we raise “lop-sided” children.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
PTC
The Parent Teacher Connection is critical to your child’s success at school. Just like the times that children pit parents against each other in order to get what they want, children try to pit their parent against their teacher. This may happen when their behavior has gotten them into trouble or when their grades are dropping. The best way of preventing this is to promote parent-teacher communication from the start of the school year. Attending conferences, open houses, PTA meetings and special school events sends the message to your child that their education is important to you. I suggest that you set up a conference with the teacher between the second and sixth week of school. Before the second week of school, the teacher is still getting to know your child. After the sixth week, your child’s school habits may be set for the year. If your child is having trouble, the teacher and you may be able to come up with some ideas that will help. You both have very valuable information needed to help your child: the teacher knows about curriculum and teaching techniques and you know your child.
At this point, I also want to include a blurb about over communication. With all the things that teachers are required to do, daily communication with parents is not possible. My recommendation is that you conference with your child’s teacher no more than two times in a semester (or four times in a school year) and limit phone calls to four a semester (or eight in a school year). Note that just like the times that teacher’s call to let you know when your child has done something good, teachers love to get calls from parents letting them know that they are doing something right. If more conferences are needed due to behavior or academic difficulties, let the request come from the teacher.
Should your child attend the conference? This question has no easy answer. When answering this question it is important to take into consideration the age of the student and the topic to be discussed. You will need to consider the pros and cons of your child attending a conference, each time you meet with the teacher. The answer may very well change from conference to conference.
At this point, I also want to include a blurb about over communication. With all the things that teachers are required to do, daily communication with parents is not possible. My recommendation is that you conference with your child’s teacher no more than two times in a semester (or four times in a school year) and limit phone calls to four a semester (or eight in a school year). Note that just like the times that teacher’s call to let you know when your child has done something good, teachers love to get calls from parents letting them know that they are doing something right. If more conferences are needed due to behavior or academic difficulties, let the request come from the teacher.
Should your child attend the conference? This question has no easy answer. When answering this question it is important to take into consideration the age of the student and the topic to be discussed. You will need to consider the pros and cons of your child attending a conference, each time you meet with the teacher. The answer may very well change from conference to conference.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Grief and Loss Podcast
Our latest podcast is posted, and should be available on iTunes shortly, and soon appearing in the box to the right of this post.
I wanted to reiterate the fact that grief and loss do not only apply to death. Any loss (moving, friends leaving, pets dying, parent's loss of job, etc.) all involve a lot of the same basic principles and can be used to help your child through these issues.
If you have ideas for future podcasts, and in particular guests for interviews in future episodes, please let us know. We would love to include you in a future episode. E-mail us at ParentSharing@aol.com if you have an idea.
I wanted to reiterate the fact that grief and loss do not only apply to death. Any loss (moving, friends leaving, pets dying, parent's loss of job, etc.) all involve a lot of the same basic principles and can be used to help your child through these issues.
If you have ideas for future podcasts, and in particular guests for interviews in future episodes, please let us know. We would love to include you in a future episode. E-mail us at ParentSharing@aol.com if you have an idea.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Grief and Loss
As a school counselor, I deal with the issue of loss a lot with children of various ages. The most important thing to understand about children and death is that there is no timetable when it comes to dealing with death, they will face the loss in their own time. If your child is not displaying the signs of grief that you feel that they should be, it may be their brain protecting them from whatever they are not yet able to process. They may need time before they are ready to address the issue of their grief. Pushing them to deal with grief before they are ready, may have long lasting negative ramifications.
So how will you know when a child is ready to fully begin the grieving process? Unfortunately there isn’t a cookie cutter answer, but one sign may be when they start asking questions about the person who died or about the death itself. This is when you need to be ready to walk your child through the stages of grief. If your own pain is too fresh to be able to properly help your child, entrust a close friend or family member. Make sure that when you are picking this person that they share your same beliefs regarding death. If they do not, it may be necessary to pick someone else, in order to limit confusion and contradiction.
An understanding of Kubler-Ross Stages of Grief may help you understand your own grief, as well as help you with dealing with child’s grief. The five stages are: Denial (the “this is not happening“ phase), Anger, Bargaining (the “what I promise to do, if you can make this not happen” phase), Depression, and Acceptance. One thing to keep in mind about the stages of grief is that as you pass through the stages, they are fluid and you may find yourself or your children going back and forth through the stages for a period of time.
Death is not permanent for children before about the age of six. Children before the age of six (and sometimes even later depending on your child’s development) believe that the person who died will return to life again. This point was solidified with me when a family member, who was five at the time of his father’s death, told us that his dad was going to walk down the stairs from heaven and play a game with him later on that night. For this reason, it is very important to use words like death and died when referring to a loss. Using terms like loss, sleeping, or they are on a journey to heaven other euphemisms for death may confuse your child even more. The child may be left with the sense that the person who died needs to be found, that they will be coming back at some point, or they may begin to associate sleep with death.
Terms that we associate with a death are not terms children are familiar with. I have had to explain to children as old as eleven words like casket, funeral, memorial service, cremation and burial. These are terms that are thrown out often during a time following a death. We all experience fear of the unknown, and to many children these terms are unknown. Asking your child whether they understand what the terms you are using mean, can go a long way to relieving the anxiety that they may feel at this time. A little knowledge can make a big difference in the grieving process.
The Big Question????
I wish I had a dollar for each time a parent has consulted me about whether the child should go to the funeral home, or attend the funeral, I would be a very wealthy women. There is not an easy answer to this question. If you consulted ten professionals on this topic, you would get ten different answers. My belief is that you need to listen to what the child is saying that they need. An example of this was again with my nephew when his father died. He kept telling his mother that he needed to say goodbye to his father and he just wanted to hold his hand one more time. She believed strongly that he needed to be kept far from all of the grief at the funeral home and the burial. After some convincing she agreed to let him go to the funeral home with for ten minutes prior to everyone else showing up. When he got there, he sat right next to the casket talking and holding his dad’s hand. It allowed him to begin the healing process, by seeing his dad one last time.
So how will you know when a child is ready to fully begin the grieving process? Unfortunately there isn’t a cookie cutter answer, but one sign may be when they start asking questions about the person who died or about the death itself. This is when you need to be ready to walk your child through the stages of grief. If your own pain is too fresh to be able to properly help your child, entrust a close friend or family member. Make sure that when you are picking this person that they share your same beliefs regarding death. If they do not, it may be necessary to pick someone else, in order to limit confusion and contradiction.
An understanding of Kubler-Ross Stages of Grief may help you understand your own grief, as well as help you with dealing with child’s grief. The five stages are: Denial (the “this is not happening“ phase), Anger, Bargaining (the “what I promise to do, if you can make this not happen” phase), Depression, and Acceptance. One thing to keep in mind about the stages of grief is that as you pass through the stages, they are fluid and you may find yourself or your children going back and forth through the stages for a period of time.
Death is not permanent for children before about the age of six. Children before the age of six (and sometimes even later depending on your child’s development) believe that the person who died will return to life again. This point was solidified with me when a family member, who was five at the time of his father’s death, told us that his dad was going to walk down the stairs from heaven and play a game with him later on that night. For this reason, it is very important to use words like death and died when referring to a loss. Using terms like loss, sleeping, or they are on a journey to heaven other euphemisms for death may confuse your child even more. The child may be left with the sense that the person who died needs to be found, that they will be coming back at some point, or they may begin to associate sleep with death.
Terms that we associate with a death are not terms children are familiar with. I have had to explain to children as old as eleven words like casket, funeral, memorial service, cremation and burial. These are terms that are thrown out often during a time following a death. We all experience fear of the unknown, and to many children these terms are unknown. Asking your child whether they understand what the terms you are using mean, can go a long way to relieving the anxiety that they may feel at this time. A little knowledge can make a big difference in the grieving process.
The Big Question????
I wish I had a dollar for each time a parent has consulted me about whether the child should go to the funeral home, or attend the funeral, I would be a very wealthy women. There is not an easy answer to this question. If you consulted ten professionals on this topic, you would get ten different answers. My belief is that you need to listen to what the child is saying that they need. An example of this was again with my nephew when his father died. He kept telling his mother that he needed to say goodbye to his father and he just wanted to hold his hand one more time. She believed strongly that he needed to be kept far from all of the grief at the funeral home and the burial. After some convincing she agreed to let him go to the funeral home with for ten minutes prior to everyone else showing up. When he got there, he sat right next to the casket talking and holding his dad’s hand. It allowed him to begin the healing process, by seeing his dad one last time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)