Bullying: The Bully

If you are sitting there reading this because you have just come to the realization that your child is the bully, know that you are a very strong individual. Know that you are not alone in this realization and that many parents have had to face that reality over the years. When surveyed, over 30% of children surveyed reported that they had been the bully. Keep in mind that the figure is probably much higher. So when I stated that you are not alone, I wasn’t just trying to make you feel better.


In previous blogs, I indicated that there was not much that could be done to change a bully’s behavior. Much of my focus is on how to change the victim’s and the bystander’s behaviors which will in turn change the bully’s behavior. If I have not totally lost you yet with that explanation, here are some things that may assist you in helping your child.

There is good news, bullies typically are outstanding leaders. They have an uncanny ability to get people to do what they want. If you could redirect these leadership skills towards something more positive like community service, sports, or student government, this may all but eliminate the need that is filled by bullying.

Help them to develop empathy for others. Children, who can place themselves in the shoes of others and imagine what they would feel like if it were happening to them, are less likely to engage in bullying behaviors. This can be accomplished with dialogue about how a person in a television show may be feeling, or by modeling empathy for others in front of your children.

Often bullies choose bullying behaviors when they are angry. Help your child to develop anger management skills and they may not engage in bullying behaviors as often. I will be discussing anger management techniques in a separate posting because I feel that this topic deserves more attention than just a paragraph at the end of a blog posting.

I hope you realize that acknowledging that your child is a bully, is more than half the battle. Now is the time to do something help them to change their ways. With all the laws being passed to address bullying, if they don’t change their ways they may be facing serious consequences.

As always, contact us at ParentSharing@aol.com with anything you want to say, or "like" us on Facebook.  Our podcast on "The Bully" is now live on iTunes, and on the player to the right of this blog.  We'd also love your ideas on topics and guests for future interviews.

Bullying: The Victim (Part One)

A study recently reported that 60% of all children interviewed admitted that they had been bullied at one time or another. I think that the actual number is much closer to 100% than that (like probably 100%). In today’s society, when victims are lashing back with unspeakable acts of violence or suicide after years of being bullied, it is imperative that we teach our children a different way to deal with being bullied. Ignoring and pushing down the feelings isn’t working, it just allows the anger to build inside the victim until they can’t take it anymore. Teaching your child some methods of dealing with bullies and practicing these techniques with them through role play, may save lives. Help your child learn to be part of the solution, instead of part of the problem. All of these techniques will not be effective for your child, which is why the practice is so important. Help them find what works for them.


First and foremost, be sure that your child understands where the bully is coming from and what the bully is trying to achieve. It is important to help your child understand that one of the reasons bullies often lash out is because of their own insecurities. They may feel that by lowering others, they elevate themselves. Bullies often pick on things in others that they don’t like in themselves. Understanding where a bully is coming from may go a long way in eliminating the power that a bully has over your child. More on that in our blog about the bully.

Talking to a trusted adult or close friend may be helpful to your child. Letting them know that they can come to you about anything. Sometimes they just need a place to vent, and we as parents have a difficult time staying passive when our baby is telling us that someone is hurting them. They are not always looking for you to be their knight in shining armor; sometimes they are just in need of a sounding board. Knowing when you should just listen and when you need to take action may be difficult. Often direct intervention on your part may make the situation worse; your child may be seen as “a tattle tale” or something worse. Stop and think about what intervening will accomplish and whether this will make the situation better or worse. We are not telling you when to take action, that’s up to your judgment. Simply consider the ramifications for your child when you consider your options.

I believe that an empowered child is a happier child. Giving them ways to address a bullying situation may change their feelings about the situation from helplessness to empowerment. Anger management also offers tools which may help your child deal with bullying. We will discuss that in a future blog. In our next blog we will talk about helping your child prepare for direct contact with the bully.

Contact us through the blog, on Facebook, or at ParentSharing@aol.com for more information, or with specific comments, concerns or questions.

Influence of Music on our Children

Music and its lyrics can have a profound influence on our children.  I have heard songs on the radio that promote violent behavior against women, killing, rape and bad language. I am not sure that anyone should be listening to that type of music, let alone our children.   Fortunately, cds now carry a rating sysem which assist parents in determining whether the music is age appropriate for your children.  I realize that this rating system is only a guide for parents, and you need to exercise your own judgement when choosing to allow your children to listen to music.