Bullying: The Victim (Part One)

A study recently reported that 60% of all children interviewed admitted that they had been bullied at one time or another. I think that the actual number is much closer to 100% than that (like probably 100%). In today’s society, when victims are lashing back with unspeakable acts of violence or suicide after years of being bullied, it is imperative that we teach our children a different way to deal with being bullied. Ignoring and pushing down the feelings isn’t working, it just allows the anger to build inside the victim until they can’t take it anymore. Teaching your child some methods of dealing with bullies and practicing these techniques with them through role play, may save lives. Help your child learn to be part of the solution, instead of part of the problem. All of these techniques will not be effective for your child, which is why the practice is so important. Help them find what works for them.


First and foremost, be sure that your child understands where the bully is coming from and what the bully is trying to achieve. It is important to help your child understand that one of the reasons bullies often lash out is because of their own insecurities. They may feel that by lowering others, they elevate themselves. Bullies often pick on things in others that they don’t like in themselves. Understanding where a bully is coming from may go a long way in eliminating the power that a bully has over your child. More on that in our blog about the bully.

Talking to a trusted adult or close friend may be helpful to your child. Letting them know that they can come to you about anything. Sometimes they just need a place to vent, and we as parents have a difficult time staying passive when our baby is telling us that someone is hurting them. They are not always looking for you to be their knight in shining armor; sometimes they are just in need of a sounding board. Knowing when you should just listen and when you need to take action may be difficult. Often direct intervention on your part may make the situation worse; your child may be seen as “a tattle tale” or something worse. Stop and think about what intervening will accomplish and whether this will make the situation better or worse. We are not telling you when to take action, that’s up to your judgment. Simply consider the ramifications for your child when you consider your options.

I believe that an empowered child is a happier child. Giving them ways to address a bullying situation may change their feelings about the situation from helplessness to empowerment. Anger management also offers tools which may help your child deal with bullying. We will discuss that in a future blog. In our next blog we will talk about helping your child prepare for direct contact with the bully.

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Bullying (an Introduction)

Today, bullying seems to be a very hot topic, even though it has probably been around since the time of the cavemen. Many states are passing laws to protect the victims and many news programs and newspapers are talking about bullying statistics. I believe the focus on this topic needs to change to one that is more proactive. Since many of the school shootings and violent acts are being committed by the victims, and not the bully, we need to take a different approach when talking to our children about being bullied. I believe the way to stopping this increase in violence is by educating our children on a better way to handle bullying. I will be addressing what you can teach your children to do differently as the bully, the bystander and the victim in separate postings. First, I think it is important to give our children a clear understanding of what bullying is and what it isn’t. Below is the widely accepted definition of bullying. I believe that many of these terms need to be defined for our children. I will define several of the terms in this definition and I suggest that you sit down with your children and do the same.


Bullying involves repeated acts of direct or indirect physical, verbal, or nonverbal behaviors that may include intentional hurting and an imbalance of power

Repeated acts mean that in order for there to be bullying, the behavior needs to be done over and over again

Direct bullying occurs when the bullying of the victim is done by the bullies themselves.

Indirect bullying occurs when the bully talks someone else into doing the bullying for them.

Physical bullying is the type of bullying we are most familiar with. This includes: hitting, kicking, shoving, spitting, and tripping.

Verbal bullying behaviors include: taunting, teasing, name calling, spreading rumors and threatening.

Non-verbal behaviors include – threatening or obscene gestures, deliberate exclusion from a group or activity, isolating, shunning, and cyberbullying.

Intentional hurting means that the bully intended the behavior to hurt the victim either physically or emotionally.

Imbalance of Power indicates that the bully is more “powerful” than the victim. This does not always mean bigger in stature, although that is the picture that comes to many of our minds when we think of a bully. This imbalance can also occur if the bully is perceived to be smarter than the victim, more athletic, or more popular.

In addition to giving your child a clear understanding of what constitutes bullying and what is just “messing around”, it is also important that your child understand the roles that each participant in a bullying situation plays in order for them to better handle these situations when they occur. There are three types of participants in the bullying situation: the bully, the victim and the bystander. Although it is the bully’s behavior that needs to be changed, the best way of effecting that change is by changing the behavior of the victim and the bystanders. This may seem strange to say, but as long as the bully is getting what they want from the situation, attention or control, they will continue to bully. If the victim and/or the bystanders do not have the desired response, the bully will stop bullying.

Future postings will specifically address what you can teach your children to do when they find themselves playing the role of the bully, the victim, or the bystander. Although, it is important to understand what is bullying and what is not bullying, it is a hundred times more important to help your child understand what to do in these situations that they will find themselves in.

Bullying-The Victim

Our latest podcast has been uploaded.  It is the second in our series on bullying.  Be sure to check them both out on the right hand side of the page, or download them on iTunes.  We will have blog postings on Bullying coming shortly.

If you have any feedback, questions, comments, concerns, or show idea (including if you are interested in being a guest of the show) please contact us at ParentSharing@aol.com, at "Parent Sharing" on Facebook, or by commenting on this blog.

PTC

The Parent Teacher Connection is critical to your child’s success at school. Just like the times that children pit parents against each other in order to get what they want, children try to pit their parent against their teacher. This may happen when their behavior has gotten them into trouble or when their grades are dropping. The best way of preventing this is to promote parent-teacher communication from the start of the school year. Attending conferences, open houses, PTA meetings and special school events sends the message to your child that their education is important to you. I suggest that you set up a conference with the teacher between the second and sixth week of school. Before the second week of school, the teacher is still getting to know your child. After the sixth week, your child’s school habits may be set for the year. If your child is having trouble, the teacher and you may be able to come up with some ideas that will help. You both have very valuable information needed to help your child: the teacher knows about curriculum and teaching techniques and you know your child.


At this point, I also want to include a blurb about over communication. With all the things that teachers are required to do, daily communication with parents is not possible. My recommendation is that you conference with your child’s teacher no more than two times in a semester (or four times in a school year) and limit phone calls to four a semester (or eight in a school year). Note that just like the times that teacher’s call to let you know when your child has done something good, teachers love to get calls from parents letting them know that they are doing something right. If more conferences are needed due to behavior or academic difficulties, let the request come from the teacher.

Should your child attend the conference? This question has no easy answer. When answering this question it is important to take into consideration the age of the student and the topic to be discussed. You will need to consider the pros and cons of your child attending a conference, each time you meet with the teacher. The answer may very well change from conference to conference.

Homework Made Easier

When it comes to my recommendations about homework and children, I am all about not reinventing the wheel. I have a book that I like to suggest to parents because I really like the advice that it gives and it is an easy read. The book is Homework Without Tears by Lee Canter. In this book, he gives some great suggestions to ease the many difficulties that can arise during that dreaded part of the evening. I will highlight a few of his ideas here and some of my own, however I strongly urge you to find a copy of this book and read it.


I believe that some of the problems that occur during homework time could be eliminated by some carefully planning to develop a good work environment. Canter makes the following recommendation when settling on a studying location: it should be a quiet location (not in the viewing line of the television), well lit, a “do not disturb” sign and a homework survival kit that includes all the supplies that your student may need while studying. The survival kit may include: several sharpened pencils, erasers, paper, scissors, crayons, calculator. Having all the supplies within reach limit’s the number of interruptions.

Setting a time aside each weekday for homework and posting that time may eliminate some of the arguing that erupts when it is time for homework. Best scenario is that it is at the same time each day, however with all the after school activities that our children are involved in this may not be practical. Set aside a daily time that fits into your schedule. Times may be different for different days of the week, but I suggest that those times stay the same from week to week. If your child doesn’t have any homework one evening, it is still important to stick with the routine of homework time. They could read or do practice math problems to fill the study time.

If your child requires your attention in every step of their homework and refuses to do any of his homework without asking what seems like a million questions, Canter suggests a fun re-enforcer for this problem. It is called the M&M game. You set a small pile of M&Ms in front of your child at homework time, letting them know that each time they ask a question you will take an M&M from the pile. Any M&Ms left at the end of study time are for your child to eat. Please note that this activity is not meant for every child, only those who will not do any of their homework on their own. With other children, it may act as a deterrent to asking you for some needed help. Use caution with this activity, although I have been told it really works.

With a little preparation, and a whole lot of patience, homework time can turn into a pleasant experience for both you and your child.