Talking to Your Children about the Tough Stuff

There are certain topics that strike fear into the hearts of parents when they feel that the time has come to talk to their children about them. Whether the topic is sex, drugs, death or some crazy fad out there like the choking game, we all experience an uneasiness when preparing what we are going to say. No matter what the topic, some things about communicating with your children will always serve you well.


First on the list of things we all should do when preparing to talk with our children is get educated about the topic. Whether you are doing your research on-line or at the library, make sure that you have chosen a reliable source. This step is imperative because you want to have the facts when your children ask questions.

When setting aside a time to talk with your child, make sure that it is not at a time when you are angry or anxious. Anger and anxiety often lead to lecturing rather than talking, and we have all been at the receiving enough to know that the first thing that a child (especially a teenager) does when they believe there is a lecture coming is shut down. In order to prevent this from happening, make sure that the communication is a two way street. That you are listening, as much as you are talking.

Starting up the “tough” conversations is the hardest part. When you begin your talk, try not to start out with an accusing statement such as “Are you using drugs?”. Instead try starting with a statement something like “Have you heard anything about drugs at school?”. This will go a long way in keeping the lines of communication open and preventing your child from getting defensive.

A few thoughts about content. When talking with your child about any topic it is important that you use age appropriate content and vocabulary. The sex talk will be quite different for a nine year old and a fifteen year old. If you are not sure about what is age appropriate, do the research. A six year old asking about where babies come from is not looking for a biology lesson about the reproductive system, they may just want to know that they grow in their mommy’s belly. I think it is important to mention here that it is very important that no matter what age your child is you tell them the truth because if you lie and they find out later that you lied, this undermines the trust that you are trying to build. In addition, if during the course of your discussion, a question is asked that you don’t know the answer to fight the urge to fake it. A child will respect you much more if you say something like “I’m not sure what the answer to that question is, how about if we research it together.“ Building that trust is what is going to send your children running to you instead of their friends when they are faced with a major issue.